


Paradox of Love

by jynx



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Parenting, Brother Feels, Dysfunctional Family, Family Feels, First Time, Incest, M/M, Mother-Son Relationship, PTSD, Panic Attacks, Piercings, Sex Toys, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Identity, Tattoos, Voyeurism, Wet Dream, dealing with incest, frerin is awesome, money issues, poor versus rich, self worth issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-11
Updated: 2013-08-01
Packaged: 2017-12-14 16:56:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 44,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/839195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jynx/pseuds/jynx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili is a radio DJ and a college student. Fili is his brother, honorably discharged from the military, and dealing with PTSD. After eight years of anger, hurt, and misunderstandings they begin to try and repair their relationship...and possibly add a little more to it.</p><p>(Will update tags as I go, like always)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "But one must not think ill of the paradox, for the paradox is the passion of thought, and the thinker without the paradox is like the lover without passion: a mediocre fellow. But the ultimate potentiation of every passion is always to will its own downfall, and so it is also the ultimate passion of the understanding to will the collision, although in one way or another the collision must become its downfall. This, then, is the ultimate paradox of thought: to want to discover something that thought itself cannot think." - Søren Kierkegaard

"You have a pink house," Fili said, staring up at the house Kili was standing in front of. "A pink house with red shutters."

"It's not mine. I rent," Kili said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "If you want to complain you can find somewhere else to crash."

"No, no, this is good," Fili said, adjusting his hold on his bag and climbing up the concrete steps to the front door. "How big's the place again?"

"Two bedrooms, pretty decent size, a living room, small bathroom, and a huge kitchen with practically no cabinet space," Kili said. "You'll have to fight the cat for the other bedroom. He's gotten used to it being his since Drake moved out." Kili unlocked the door and held it open for Fili, leading him into a short hallway with cracked plaster and a patchy paint job. Kili's door was flimsy looking wood with a large sharpied number 256B on it.

"Can we just take a moment to appreciate the fact that you, of all people, have a cat," Fili said, following as Kili shoved the key in the lock and kept the key turned while popping the door open with his knee. "You of all people have a cat. You hated animals when you were a kid."

"Found out that I like them a lot better when they're the only real constant in my life. Smaug is a good cat, for the most part. Excellent bug catcher. He likes eating all sorts of creepycrawlies and all he asks is that you give him a scratch on the ears every now and then."

Fili kept his mouth shut, walking into the apartment and looking around. There was a guitar and amp tucked into a corner next to an impressive entertainment center. There were two metal racks, one holding DVDs and the other holding video games. The TV stand held a 42 inch TV, multiple gaming consoles, and a blu-ray player. There was a dismembered zombie plush hanging from the top of the TV and an anatomically correct stuffed heart sitting on the coffee table. Clothes and mail were strewn about the room along with textbooks and notebooks. Kili's computer was on the couch along with a stack of index cards. The walls of the living room were covered in post it notes that looked halfway between reminders and to do lists.

"It's cleaner than I thought it'd be," Fili said as he set his bag down.

"Picky, picky," Kili sighed. "I've got dinner on the oven so you can heat it up whenever. Dis had your bed sent over and some boxes she thought you'd like."

"Not sticking around?" Fili asked awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pockets. He hated that Kili had fallen into the disrespective habit of calling their mother by her first name but there really wasn't much to do about it. Kili would be exactly as Kili wanted to be.

Kili shook his head. "I've got a date with Cyn and then I'm working at the station until late." Kili jerked a thumb in direction of the kitchen. "My schedule's on the fridge door. Mostly I figure you can use it to avoid me. Not that you really ever needed much help there."

"Kili," Fili tried, reaching out to try and snag his brother’s sleeve.

Kili, though, moved away and headed into his bedroom with a firmly closed door. Fili sighed and picked his bag up and went into the second bedroom. His bed was in the middle, the headboard shoved up against the window and heater. Boxes had stacked in the corner near the closed closet door. In the middle of his bed was a tiny ball of black fur. Fili set his bag down on the floor next to the bed and examined the cat.

It was small, about the size if a softball when curled up like it was, with a tiny head and ears. It was loudly purring while it slept, tail tucked tight against its body. Fili reached out and very gently pet the tiny head. The head raised, blinking ridiculously large green eyes, and looked at Fili.

"Hello you," Fili said softly. "You must be Smaug. I'm Fili."

The cat's tail puffed out and, quick as a snake, sank his tiny pointy teeth around the meat of Fili's thumb. Fili yelped, jerking his hand back as he stared at the cat. It was hissing at him, on its feet and braced for confrontation, puffed up like all its fur on end to look as intimidating as possible. Fili just stared at it, shaking his hand.

"You're as crazy as your owner," he said, grabbing the tiny hissing beast by the scruff of its neck and putting it outside his room. The cat immediately went to Kili's door and started scratching and meowing at it. Fili closed his door before Kili opened his.

Fili took his bag and upended it on the bed. Clothes. His phone charger. Two books. A pack of gum. Extra ammo. Gun cleaning rags and fluid. Gun case.

He stared down at the items on the bed; this was his life. These things were what made him up. It all left him feeling rather hollow. He didn't have pictures of anyone; none of his unit, none of his parents, none of his friends, nothing that would be a physical representation of anyone close to him. He picked up one of the books and let it fall open, a ratty strip of string that had been knotted into a messy zigzag pattern. It was a child’s attempt at a friendship bracelet made with embroidery floss, the thread lumpy and the knots uneven. The colors were faded and dirty but Fili had kept it with him through two tours of duty.

Kili had made it for him when he was little and had been so proud of it. It reminded Fili of when they had been close, when everything had been okay between the two of them. Before, when he had had a little brother who adored his older brother and wanted nothing more than to just be with him. Before Kili decided it wasn’t worth it and did his damned best to wreck everything.

Fili sighed and looked around. There was a wooden dresser, cheap and almost certainly from Ikea, shoved against the wall near another window. It would have to do until he found something else. He grabbed his clothes and put them away, setting his gun on top of the dresser and mentally reminding himself to get a gun safe. He ignored the boxes his mother had sent and opened his door, wandering out into the living room with the intent of examining his new surroundings.

There were three incredibly packed bookshelves in the living room, the books ranging anywhere from comic books to trashy horror novels to Kafka to what looked like erotica. Fili stared, eyebrows raised, at some of the titles. Part of him was horrified his little brother was reading some of these books but the other was resigned. Kili did what he wanted and damned anyone who tried to tell him otherwise.

Fili went into the kitchen, seeing the food Kili had left out for him. The plate was wrapped in plastic and had rice, chicken, and what looked like sauteed vegetables. Fili was impressed. He couldn’t cook at all, always having someone else do it for him. At home his mother had hired help to do the cleaning and the cooking and the military did not teach anyone how to cook. He wondered, absently, where Kili had learned.

“Oh good, you found the food,” Kili said from behind him.

Fili turned and stared. Kili had changed out of the jeans and t-shirt he’d worn to pick Fili up from the airport into clothes that defied description. His brother was wearing a pair of black baggy bondage pants with straps, chains, and rivets and multiple pockets with his hair pulled back and multiple tiny braids in the ponytail that poofed out with neon green and blue dread-like things. His shirt was black and sleeveless with a hood, baring his tattooed arms that Fili had never seen before. The piercings had been jarring enough to see when Kili had picked him up but the tattoos? What had happened to his little brother?

Kili’s eyes--lined in black--narrowed and he crossed his arms over his chest, almost daring Fili to make a comment.

“What’s the best way to heat it up?” Fili asked instead, turning to look at the plate of food.

“Nuker, about two minutes,” Kili said. “Just hit the two and it’ll do it’s thing.”

Fili nodded, looking around the kitchen. “I didn’t know you could cook,” he said.

“It’s a good thing to pick up,” Kili said. “A couple of friends and I rotate dinner parties. And by parties I mean we all make something and show up at each other’s places with wine and beer and play Cards Against Humanity, Risk, or Trivial Pursuit.” There was a moment of hesitation. “Next game’s at Nathan’s place, if you wanna come. It’s on Friday.”

“I think I’ll pass for the moment,” Fili said. “Still getting settled and all.”

Kili reached up, toying with the barbell through the top of his left ear. “Suit yourself.”

An awkward silence descended, Fili trying to look anywhere but his brother and Kili watching him closely. Fili could hear the quiet tick-tock of a clock somewhere, counting out the seconds and minutes of silence.

“All right, I’ve gotta go,” Kili said, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Wifi password is on the fridge, same as all the numbers you might need for me or anyone else. I’ll probably be back around three.”

“AM?” Fili asked, staring at Kili, finally meeting his brother’s brown eyes.

“No, I’m staying out for over twelve hours, of course three AM,” Kili said with a roll of his eyes.

“I thought you said you had class during the days,” Fili said carefully, not wanting to make it seem like he was judging Kili. That never went over well and he had over a decade of memories of how very not good it was.

“Yeah,” Kili said. “Class starts at nine. Oh, one rule for your own safety. If you touch my caffeine I promise extreme bodily harm. The Monsters and Amp are a big no touch zone. Coffee is fair game, I’ve got like...six bags of beans. But the energy drinks are mine. Touch and die.”

“You’re premed,” Fili said with a frown. “You know how bad those--”

“And let the judging begin,” Kili said with a tight smile. “See, I’m going to leave now. Date, job. You get the jist. Do what you want.” He turned, waving as he grabbed his keys off the rack over the door and shoved them in one of his pockets. He opened the door and left, slamming the flimsy door closed.

Fili sighed, leaning against the fridge and rubbing his forehead. Well, that had gone well.

:::

Kili leaned against the door and yawned as he tried to fit his keys in the lock. It was 3:20am and he was exhausted. He had to be up in four hours so he could make his 9am class. Thank god he only lived one train stop away. Sure he could drive to the campus but by the time he found a parking spot he’d be later than late. Commuting by train was faster and far less hassle. He finally got the door opened, humming idly to the song stuck in his head, and closed the door behind him. He leaned against the armchair and pried his boots off his feet and pulled his shirt up over his head, wincing when the material caught on his nipple jewelry. He really needed to switch the spikes out for smooth rings.

Smaug jumped up onto the armchair and armchair, kneading the already ruined fabric with his claws as he purred loudly. Kili smiled, scooping the tiny body up and perching Smaug on his shoulder.

“Hey killer,” Kili said as he weaved his way into his bedroom. “You catch any good bugs lately?” Smaug nuzzled Kili’s ear, raising one paw to bat at some of the studs. “No, no, no, those aren’t for you,” Kili said as he swept the cat off his shoulder and set him down on the bed. “Fuck but I’m tired.” He sat down on the bed and closed his aching eyes, yawning and falling over sideways.

He didn’t know how long he dozed for before he heard screaming. Kili jerked awake, looking around for the source of the scream. It took his sleep deprived mind a moment to figure out that it was coming from next door, from Fili’s room. Kili scrambled to his feet and hit his door in his urgency to get to his brother. He used it to keep himself on his feet and stumbled over to Fili’s room, opening the door and turning the light on.

Fili was still asleep and thrashing in bed, alternating between screaming and moaning. Kili dove for the bed, grabbing Fili and shaking him, dodging the swinging fists and doing whatever he could to wake Fili up. Finally Kili gave up with the shaking and smacked Fili across the face, startling his brother into waking up.

Fili stared up at him, bare chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath. Kili rocked back on his heels, waiting for Fili to stop gasping for air.

“Well, I guess that answers that question,” Kili said once Fili had calmed down.

“Hunh?” Fili asked, frowning.

“Why you didn’t just get an apartment by yourself or stay with Dis,” Kili said. “PTSD, right?”

Fili got out of bed, pushing Kili off as he did so. Kili stumbled slightly grabbing the bed and keeping himself upright. He could see the still healing wound on Fili’s back as his brother left the bedroom and headed for the kitchen. Kili followed, his pants jingling softly. Fili reached down into the stack of water flats and pulled out a water bottle, cracking the cap off and taking a sip.

“You wanna tell me what’s going on?” Kili asked. He leaned in the doorway, arms crossed as he tried not to look at the time on the microwave. If he saw what time it was he’d get angry or depressed, neither of which would be productive when dealing with his brother.

“Why do you care?” Fili asked.

“Well, see, that’s the thing. I didn’t think you cared either,” Kili said. “But then I get a call from you, out of the blue, two weeks ago, asking if you could stay with me. I gotta say, I think that was the first time we’ve actually talked in about eight years. So you kind of made me care and made it my business when you decided to waltz back into my life. Not to mention our walls are thin and you probably woke up my neighbours with the screaming.”

“Sorry,” Fili murmured.

“No you’re not,” Kili said. He sighed and walked into the kitchen, reaching up to run his hand through his hair when he realized it was still pulled back with braids and krinklepuffs for work. He took a seat at the kitchen table and started undoing the braids. “So, c’mon, sit. Have a heart to heart with your little brother.”

"What, you want me to confide in you?" Fili asked, staring at Kili.

Kili looked at him, watching him as he continued to take his hair down. "I would think, as one disaster to another, you'd want to share."

"I am not a disaster," Fili said angrily, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Okay," Kili said as he got to his feet.

He picked up the green and blue krinklepuffs from the table and went back to his bedroom. He left the door cracked for Smaug and unbuckled his pants, letting them fall in a heap to the floor, as he crawled into bed in his his boxer-briefs. He had no intent to open himself up for more hurt when it came to his brother. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me and all that jazz. Kili had learned his lesson well when he was twelve. Fili might be his perfect, golden older brother, but that meant that there was no place for Kili in his brother's life. How could Fili be so disgustingly perfect if Kili was there to smudge his golden image?

Kili sighed, cracking open his window and looking out over the street, hearing some of his Asian neighbors walking down the street and arguing loudly. He looked at the clock and groaned, flopping back against his bed. It was a little after 4am. The magic hour. Make or break. If he went to bed now he would have three hours of sleep before a long day of class and more work at the library. If he stayed up he could get some work done. He sighed and got to his feet, grabbing a t-shirt off the top of his dresser and went into the living room. He turned the TV and PlayStation on as he sat down and pulled his laptop closer. It took the work of moments to set Netflix playing with some inane action flick as he pulled up the slides from his anatomy and physiology lecture.

It took him a couple of minutes to realize Fili was staring at him from the doorway to the kitchen. Kili turned and looked at him, not exactly sure why Fili was watching him.

"I haven't seen this one," Fili said by way of explanation as he nodded his head at the TV. "I love Bruce Willis."

Kili nodded and turned back to the slides. He saw Fili sit down in the armchair, resting his hands on his knees as he watched, his back ramrod straight. Kili did his best to ignore him, going through his homework and notes. He looked up every now and then at the big explosions, That wasn’t the perfect brother he remembered. The last time Kili had seen Fili was when he was thirteen, right when Dis and Thorin had shipped him off to boarding school because they couldn't, and didn't want to, deal with him anymore. 

Kili looked up as th credits started to play and grabbed the controller, going back to the main menu and looking for something else to watch. 

"They have the Walking Dead?" Fili asked as Kili scrolled through his queue.

Kili hesitated and scrolled back, selected the Walking Dead and going to the first episode. He, personally, couldn't get into the show. The first two episodes had bored him silly, and he'd actually fallen asleep to it more than once, but Cyn loved it so it stayed in his queue. He set his laptop aside and snagged his backpack, dragging it over and fishing out his statistics text and notebook. He grabbed his cell phone, tapping the calculator app open, and leaned back as he scribbled down answers to the problem set.

"That's impressive," Fili said. Kili looked up, frowning. Fili was slouched in the chair, looking exhausted, but watching Kili. "That you can do statistics this early in the morning with no sleep."

Kili snorted, finishing his problem set. "It's not that great of an accomplishment. They're just numbers. The only impressive thing I can do is spit out a five page philosophy paper after reading about twenty percent of the reading after two days of no sleep and still get a good grade. That's impressive. Nathan's a print media major. You should see the bullshit he spits out after a bender. English majors are impressive, if only because they are taught the art of bullshit along with British Romanticism."

"Wouldn't know," Fili said. "I always had to be wide awake to do math or the numbers would blur together."

Kili kept his mouth shut. That sounded suspiciously like a compliment.

Fili stayed quiet after that, watching the people on TV. Kili finished his statistics homework and looked at the clock. 6:35am. He got up from the couch, setting his text aside, and headed for the bathroom. He grabbed his towel off the back of the door and shut it before stripping and turning on the shower. 

He didn’t know what to think about all this. Fili was giving too many mixed signals for Kili to deal with on such little sleep. Maybe he should have just stuck to his first answer of telling Fili that he couldn’t stay with him. 

Eight years. Eight and a half years ago Fili destroyed Kili’s life and now he wanted Kili to give him a place to put his life back together. Kili ducked under the spray and wet his hair. Eight years and now Fili was here, talking to him like almost nothing had changed. First coming to him for a place to stay and then nitpicking about his apartment. Then he, in a way, complemented Kili on his cooking and then flat out refused an invitation to spend time together and try and mend their relationship and started to judge him on his caffeine intake. Kili grabbed the shampoo and worked it into his hair. 

Judgement. That’s all his family ever did, judge him. He was always measured up to Fili and found wanting. Why couldn’t he be like Fili? Fili wouldn’t have done that. Fili would have done it this way, not that way. Fili didn’t let us down, Fili didn’t disappoint us. Fili wouldn’t have gotten kicked out of six schools. Fili wouldn’t have blown up the chem lab. Fili, Fili, Fili. Always Fili.

Kili rinsed the shampoo out and poured a healthy amount of conditioner in his hand, working it into his hair and grabbing his toothbrush.

And what does he get when Kili wakes Fili up from a nightmare? Anger. Yes, a lot of that could be self-directed because of the PTSD and yes, Fili is probably lashing out because that’s what happens, but after everything that gets put on Kili’s shoulders its only fair to put some on Fili’s. And then he stayed up with Kili, watching TV, and doesn’t say a thing. At least the lack of conversation thing hasn’t changed from when they were younger.

Kili set his toothbrush down and grabbed the soap, quickly cleaning himself and shutting the water off. He grabbed his towel off the toilet lid and dried himself off. He tied the towel around his hips and opened the door. Smaug came barrelling in, meowing and jumping into the tub, rolling around in the remaining water.

“You are one strange cat,” Kili said with a smile.

He walked through the kitchen and living room to his bedroom, ignoring his brother who was still watching the Walking Dead, and closed the door behind him. He grabbed a fresh pair of underwear and pulled on a pair of comfortable jeans with a couple of worn holes. He grabbed a belt and a t-shirt and went back into the living room and dropped down onto the couch. He stared at the can of Monster waiting for him next to his computer.

“Figured you’d need it,” Fili said quietly.

Kili cracked it opened and took a sip. “Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it,” Fili said.

:::

“Last time I saw you you were living in a hotel,” Dr Scott said. She had her legs crossed and was sipping her coffee. “I believe I recommended you reach out to your brother. Did you do so?”

“Yeah,” Fili said. He shoved his hands in the pocket of his hoodie and slumped lower on the couch. “I’m living with him now.”

“It gives you the chance to repair your relationship with each other,” Dr Scott said.

“That’s hard,” Fili said. “I don’t know him. I don’t get him. I haven’t understood him in years. I don’t think I want to. The little brother I remember had floppy hair like one of the Beatles and ran around with skinned knees and no shoes. He was a perfect student, passed all his classes, and did whatever mom or uncle told him to.”

“What changed?” Dr Scott asked.

Fili looked at the clock on the wall. “I don’t know. One day he was fine, the next he was picking fights with everyone, getting suspended from school and calling mom by her first name. You know, he got kicked out of six different schools in two years. One school kicked him out after two months because he blew up a chemistry lab. Another because he made thermite and set fire to the football field.”

Dr Scott arched an eyebrow. “That’s...awfully destructive.”

Fili shook his head. “He’s twenty-one now. He’s covered in tattoos and piercings and wears clothes that you normally only see on goth kids. He’s premed and is getting a minor in philosophy. His schedule is insane, barely giving him more than five hours of sleep on a good night. He works two jobs and is in a band. I. He...? I don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?”

“Him,” Fili said. “I don’t get him.”

“How are your nightmares? Still waking up every night?” Dr Scott asked, tucking a bit of hair behind her ear.

Fili looked down at the ground. That question really didn’t need answering, of course he was still having issues. What person wouldn’t have issues after being shot in the back by his unit, only to have said unit wind up being killed by insurgents? Talking about it wasn’t going to fix it, wasn’t going to change the fact that every night he was back in that goddamned place being shot in the back. Sometimes he could see the face of the person who was shooting him, sometimes he couldn’t. Last night it had been Kili holding the rifle on him, the night before it had been his uncle. His mind was his own worst enemy.

“Let’s go back to your brother,” Dr Scott said.

“Let’s not,” Fili said.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending it here for the moment because Fili kind of just got sucker punched.

“Ah, Kili, might I have a word?” Bilbo asked as he dismissed the class.

Kili’s shoulders tightened and he stayed behind, notebook and books clutched in one hand, bag slung over his left shoulder. Bilbo Baggins was his professor for Existential Themes in Philosophy and Literature class and was a hard taskmaster. Kili had only missed one class this month and hadn’t been late with any of his assignments. To his knowledge he hadn’t horribly bombed any tests or quizzes. He’d kept up with everything, unless he’d missed something. But that was impossible...

“Kili, is everything all right?” Bilbo asked, leaning back against the table that served as his desk in this room.

Kili frowned. “Uh, yeah, everthing’s good,” he said. He shifted his bag on his shoulder. “Why?”

“You look tired,” Bilbo said. “Your work is still above reproach but your arguments and observations are not nearly as concise as they were earlier in the semester. I’ve spoken to your other professors and I’m not the only one expressing concern. You’re taking five classes this semester and working at the library. Juliete, your statistics professor, said that you also work at Emerson’s radio station four nights a week.”

Kili set his bag down and let his books drop to the table. “I’m passing all my classes,” Kili said. “I haven’t gotten below a B on any test or assignment so far. I haven’t missed many classes and the only time I did was because I was picking my brother up from the airport. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Your ability to do your work and show up for class isn’t the issue,” Bilbo said. “You’ve been at UMass Boston for what, two and a half years?”

“Three this semester,” Kili said quietly.

“You’re almost done with your nursing degree and you’re taking on enough philosophy classes to almost declare it a double major,” Bilbo said. “We’re worried that you’re going to burn yourself out.”

“I’m fine,” Kili protested. “I can handle this.”

“I’ve spoken to Jimmy at the library,” Bilbo said. “They said they have enough coverage to let you take the rest of the month off. As on top of your work as you are, I’m sure you already had the week’s assignments completed.”

“I don’t understand,” Kili said, trying to comprehend what Bilbo was saying.

“You are to take the rest of the week off,” Bilbo said. “Your professors agree with me on this. You don’t need to be in class to understand the material. You need to take a week to relax instead. The rate you’re going you will burn out before you’re twenty-five. You need to breathe. Examine your life and why you do what you do.”

Kili stared at him. “I...”

Bilbo smiled and reached out, clapping Kili on the shoulder. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a faculty meeting to get to. I’ll see you in class next week.” He gathered up his books and files and notes and packed them away in his briefcase. “And I mean it, Kili, relax. Sleep in. Go to a movie. Spend time with your brother.”

Kili nodded and watched as Bilbo left. The professor for the next class came in, giving Kili an odd look, and started setting up. Kili grabbed his books and bag and left. He had three classes for the day but if Bilbo had already talked to all of them he didn’t know if he should go or not. He hesitated as he exited Wheatley Hall and looked up at the skywalk that connected all the buildings on campus. His next class was psychology, the Science of Human Sexuality. It didn’t start for another hour and he’d been planning on grabbing a coffee but... He trecked over to the science building and up to his professor’s office.

Professor Bell was grading papers when Kili knocked on his door. “I was wondering when you’d show up,” he said, setting his pen down. “I’m assuming Professor Baggins spoke to you?”

“Yeah, uh, he did,” Kili said. 

“I think this time away will be good for you,” Professor Bell said. “You can get a head start on your midterm project.”

Kili felt hollow inside. This was not happening. It really, really wasn’t happening.

“You have the assignment paper still, right?” Bell asked. “We’re covering everyone’s personal experiences with sexuality, yours and that of the ones around you. It’s going to be interview style and you need a minimum of five, not including yourself.”

“I, yeah,” Kili said. “I already asked some people if they’d help out.”

“All right. I will see you in class next week. Go home, get some rest,” Bell said. “You look like you got punched in the face.”

Kili stared at him and then left, going straight towards the bathroom and a mirror. Shit. He did look bad. He needed a shave and his eyes had gotten that deep bruised look from lack of sleep. He held his hands out and watched them shake. Aw hell. Yeah. That was not a good sign.

But going back to his apartment? Yeah, that really, really wasn’t an option. Going back home meant dealing with his brother. It’d been two weeks since Fili had moved in and they were still figuring this thing out. Most of the time Kili would get home and wake Fili up if he was having nightmares before going to his room and passing out until he had to get up and do his whole day all over again. He wasn’t avoiding Fili, he was just busy. 

Only now he wasn’t busy.

He dug out his phone and texted Nathan.

//you on campus//

Kili glanced at himself one more time in the mirror and turned away. He shoved his books back into his bag and left the bathroom, bag slung over his shoulder again. He kept his phone out, checking it every so often as he left the science building and sat down on one of the benches as he dug out his cigarettes from a pocket in his bag and lit up. He was halfway through when Nathan got back to him.

//yea whats up//

//wanna hang?//

Kili finished his cigarette, blowing it out with a mindless smoke ring, when his phone buzzed again. He looked down and groaned.

//cant. work. y?//

//tell you later// Kili sent back. He headed down the steps to the shuttle buses and waited for one that would take him to the train station. Why did his life have to suck this hard?

:::

Fili paused outside the door when he heard the sound of music coming from the apartment. He looked down at his watch and frowned. Kili was supposed to be at class. He slid his key in the lock and turned, stepping through, and watching as Kili played the guitar as he smoked. He couldn’t place the song but Kili had an intense look of concentration as he strummed the notes, the cigarette wafting smoke into the air as Kili absently sucked on it.

Fili closed the door as gently as he could, flicking the deadbolt into lock and sliding the chain on the door as well. Kili stopped playing at the noise and looked at Fili, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and dropping it into an already overflowing ashtray. 

“Hey,” Fili said. He couldn’t help but look at the clock Kili had hanging on the living room wall.

“Yeah, I know. I’m supposed to be in class,” Kili said. He set the guitar down gently and stood, stretching his arms up above his head, his shirt riding up just enough to show how toned his little brother’s stomach was. “You’re going to have to put up with me being here for thre rest of the week.”

“It’s Monday,” Fili said. He stood there, uncertain, toying with his keys.

Kili glanced at him, his arms falling to his sides. “Yeah. I got told to take a break by all my professors. I think if I show up on campus that one of them will drag me back here.”

Fili frowned. “Why would they...?”

“Fucked if I know,” Kili said, avoiding Fili's eyes. “I’ll probably...I don’t know. I’ll see if I can crash at Cyn’s or Nathan’s for the week, stay out of your way.”

“You don’t have to,” FIli said. “It’s your apartment too.”

Kili frowned at him. Fili turned and went into his room, only to see that Smaug had had fun knocking things off his dresser.

“Fucking cat,” Fili sighed, picking up his cleaning cloths and the couple of wood carved knick knacks Bofur, an old friend of their uncle’s, had given him through the years. One of them looked chewed on. “I’m going to skin that thing one of these days.”

He dug out his wallet and tossed both it and his keys on the bed. He looked around and grabbed the mystery he was currently reading and sprawled out on the bed. He had gotten through two pages when he heard the sound of the guitar again. He could barely make out the softer sound of Kili singing. He let the book fall to his chest and listened to the song. He didn’t recognize the song but it sounded sad. Something about how a heart didn’t break even. Fili listened, eyes closed. Kili was talented.

The sound of Fili’s cell phone ringing ruined the peace, Kili having stopped singing but not playing, and Fili rolled over to grab it from his back pocket. He hesitated when he saw the name on the caller id and picked up.

“Hi mom,” he said. “What’s up?”

“Fili, darling, when are you going to come back home?” she asked, just like she had every day for the past two weeks.

“I’m not coming back to California, mom. I’m staying here.”

“With that brother of yours,” she said, her voice tight with disapproval. “Fili, you remember what he was like before. Do you really want to expose yourself to that type of negativity?”

“Mom,” Fili tried, stretching out on his stomach. “He’s not negative. He’s actually pretty impressive.”

“Impressive,” Dis said. “Impressive like when he set the football pitch on fire that one time? Or when he drove the car through the dining room when he home for break over Christmas? Or are we talking about a different kind of impressive, when he manage to get kicked out of every single school until it got to a point where it didn’t matter how much money we gave them they just wouldn’t take him?”

Fili buried his face in the bedspread. “Mom, please stop.”

“Fili, I want you to come home. I haven’t seen you in three years.”

“My therapist is here,” Fili said.

“You can find another therapist out here,” Dis said. “Your uncle could help find a good one for you. He’s already waiting for you to come home and take your position in the company. You need to start learning these things.”

“Mom,” Fili protested. “I can’t. Just, let me do this. I need to do this on my own.” Fili was vaguely aware that the music had stopped playing. “I’ve been in the military for four years. I need to adjust to being a civilian again. Forcing me into Erebor isn’t going to help with that.”

“And staying with that...” Dis broke off, sighing. “Fili, please. Come home.”

“I’ll come for a visit, how about that? Uncle’s birthday is in a month. Why don’t I come see the two of you then?”

“And then you’ll stay?” Dis asked.

“No, mom, it’s just going to be a visit,” Fili said. “Three days. I’ll come stay with you for three days.”

“A week,” his mother countered.

“Three days,” Fili said.

“Five,” Dis tried.

“Two,” Fili snapped.

Dis sighed. “Three. All right. I’ll book the tickets for you.”

“No,” Fili said. “I’ll book the tickets myself.”

“Fili,” Dis tried. “I do this because I love you.”

“I know,” Fili said. “I love you too.”

“I look forward to seeing my baby. Are you letting your hair grow out of that awful military cut?” Dis asked.

“A little,” Fili said as he heard Kili start to play what sounded like a funeral march on the guitar. Fili got up off the bed and peeked outside his door. Kili was looking at him, a wicked smile on his face as he continued to play the march. “Hey, mom? I’ve gotta go. I’ve got a job interview.”

“A job interview?” Dis said, her voice raised an octave. “What do you mean a job--”

“Bye mom,” Fili said as he hung up. He slid the phone back into his back pocket and cross his arms over his chest. “That wasn’t very nice.”

“I’m not nice,” Kili said. “Unless you’ve forgotten that. Dis sure as hell hasn’t. Thorin hasn’t either, probably.”

“If you weren’t nice you would have told me to fuck off,” Fili said. 

“I did tell you to fuck off,” Kili said as he moved into a different song. This one Fili recognized as Titanium. 

“And then I called back and you said okay,” Fili said. “You never tell me why you decided to agree.”

“Whim,” Kili said as he looked down at his fingering, hair loose and sliding over his shoulder as he concentrated.

“Considering how much you’re doing and that schedule you have posted on the fridge makes me think otherwise. No one who is that anal retentive and determined to pack as much as they can into twenty-four hours does things on a whim.”

“I am not anal retentive,” Kili said, his fingers still as he looked up at Fili.

“Your schedule is color coordinated and blocked out and typed out by the hour and all seven days,” Fili said. “Your schedule looks more organized and structured than my military one was.”

Kili looked down at his guitar again and set it aside. “Believe what you want,” he said. “It was a whim.”

“I call bullshit,” Fili said. “After eight years you agree to let me move in with you when before we couldn’t even speak to each other without you trying to rip my face off.”

“Why did you even call me in the first place?” Kili asked. “If we want to be so honest with each other, if we want to act like _brothers_ , then why don’t you tell me why, after eight years of disdain, you called me of all people.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Fili asked. “Disdain? I’ve never acted that way towards you!”

“Typical,” Kili said. He got to his feet, hands on his hips. “Isn’t that the typical, perfect, golden Fili response. You should patent that innocent look and outraged tone. You should have gone for the CIA or something that requires you to lie because you are very good at it.”

“You’re insane,” Fili said, his own arms crossing over his chest. “Absolutely bat shit.”

“I’m crazy?” Kili demanded. “You think I’m crazy.”

“And destructive,” Fili said. “Oh, sure, you finally found a school that you couldn’t get kicked out of but you just became self-destructive instead! Who the hell else would have as many tattoos and piercings as you?”

“Wow,” Kili said. “You’re judging me based on my appearance. Just like everyone else in the whole goddamned world. I know a lot of people with more ink and more tatts that I have and they’re in jobs that are a hell of a lot stricter than a hospital.”

“Congratulations, only you would find people more fucked up than you and use them as an excuse to do whatever you want,” Fili said.

“Oh no!” Kili said, throwing his hands in the air. “The Golden One said fuck! Quick, someone phone the press. This needs to be made a new national holiday!”

“What’s wrong with you?” Fili demanded.

“Do you even know how to fuck?” Kili asked. “I’m sure that stick up your ass gets in the way.”

"I've probably gotten laid a lot more than you have with your ridiculous attitude! Who on earth could ever live someone so bitter and as fucked up as you?" Fili snapped.

Kili stared at him, stunned.

"For your information," Fili snapped, "the last guy I was dating shot me in the back and then got himself killed in front of me."

Kili blinked. "Wait, you're gay?"

Fili shook his head. "Bi, not that it's any of your business."

"Did and Thorin don't know, do they?" Kili asked.

"Does it matter?" Fili demanded.

Kili shrugged. "Dunno." He ran a hand through his hair. "Truce?"

"The fuck? No!" Fili said. "I want to know. Why did you go from being my awesome little brother who I usually liked hanging out with more than the dicks in school to this little terror who hated everything and everyone?"

Kili shook his head. "You wouldn't get it."

"Then make me get it," Fili said.

"Why do you even care? You're here until, what, you get your PTSD under control and then you'll go back to California and Dis and you'll forget about the family fuck up."

"Is that what you think, that you're the family fuck up?" Fili asked. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. "Kili, you're an idiot."

"I don't think it," Kili said. "I heard Thorin say it. Besides, it doesn't matter."

"Apparently it does matter," Fili pushed. "It matters enough that you're using it to describe yourself--"

"I'm sorry, did you take a psych class at business school? Or was it a mandatory requirement for canon fodder in the army?" Kili slapped a hand over his mouth, eyes wide. "I didn't mean that. I really didn't."

Fili sighed and sat down in the armchair. "Okay, let's...let's try and talk like adults."

"Adults?" Kili asked. "You want us to act like adults rather than, what, children? Not a lot of childishness going on here."

"Except there is. You're holding a grudge over something that happened when we were children. Tell me what it is and let's fix it. I." Fili stopped, running a hand through his hair. He got up and went into his bedroom, grabbing the dirty old bracelet Kili had made him and coming out to show it to him. "I hate pictures. I hate taking them, I hate being in them, I hate everything they represent because they're not real. But this, I've always kept this."

Kili reached out and took it from Fili, turning it over in his hands. "I remember this," he said softly. "I was...six? Dis sent me to that awful summer camp." He handed it back to Fili and sat down i the couch. "Why?"

"Because you're my brother, Kili. As much as you make me scream you also make me want to protect you. But you got so angry at everything, everyone, it was like you were this different person."

"You don't even know what you said, do you?" Kili asked, leaning back into the couch and tapping his fingers against his knee over a large hole in his jeans.

Fili sat down in the armchair again and waited. When Kili was younger all you had to do was wait and he'd start talking. He couldn't be that different now. But as Fili watched him, Kili crossed his arms over his chest and waited as well, an eyebrow arched. The clock ticked steadily off to the right. Smaug came skittering into the room and jumped up onto the couch, sprawling himself onto Kili's shoulder and head butting him. Kili smiled, turning his head and giving the evil beast a quick kiss.

"Fine," Fili said. "No. I don't remember what I said."

Kili didn't look at Fili, instead turning to scratch Smaug under the chin. "You were having a bad day and I was annoying you. You wanted to be left alone but I was determined to cheer you up. And you yelled at me, calling me an annoying, clingy little shit."

"That's it?" Fili asked. "You've been holding me calling you names over all of us for the past eight years?"

"No," Kili said. "What you said was true, I was being an annoying little shit. What you said after it is what got to me. You said that the reason dad left that night and got killed in that car crash? Was because he wanted to get away from me." He still wasn't looking at Fili, instead smiling as Smaug started pawing at Kili's hair and licking at his eyebrow. "The horrible thing is that you were right."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank Snarkasarus and Ceealaina for their help last chapter and helping me out with trying to work out the brothers's issues with each other. They are awesome people and deserve love! :D
> 
> Seeecond, do not hate Nathan. He serves a purpose. A very good purpose. >D

Fili had fled the apartment, leaving once Kili’s phone had rung and his friends asked if he wanted to go out, and went to one of the five bars within easy walking distance of the apartment. He ordered a whiskey sour and drank as he thought. Had he really said that? Had he really told Kili that it was his fault? He didn't remember anything specific about those days, nothing really. It was all mired down in grief and disbelief.

Their father had left one night, going to get something, and had been killed by a drunk driver. Fili had been twelve, Kili seven. Kili had always been the baby, spoiled and fussed over by everyone, and Fili hadn't really minded since he fussed over Kili too. Fili tried to stretch his memory, trying to think about why Kili would think it was his fault, why he might have said it was his fault.

It had been years, though, and Fili really couldn't think of anything. He dug out his cell, dialing a number, and waited for the other to pick up.

"Fili," Thorin said. "What can I do for you?"

Fili took another sip of his drink. "I need to ask you something," he said. "You were there the night dad died, right?"

"I was," Thorin said. "What's this about?"

"Kili," Fili said. "He thinks it was his fault dad got killed. I mean, it could kind of explain why he kept acting out."

"He started misbehaving five years after your father died, Fili. As much as I would like that to be the reason I honestly doubt it." Fili could hear his uncle shifting in his leather chair and the sound of papers rustling. "Your mother wants to know when you're coming home."

"I'll come home when I'm good and ready. Tell mom to stop harassing me or it'll just make me less likely to," Fili said. "And... I might have told Kili when we were kids that it was his fault dad died."

"Fili," Thorin said, voice sharp.

"Yeah, just. It wasn't, was it?"

Thorin sighed and the paper rustling stopped. "Kili was sick for that entire month. He ran out of medicine and your father went to pick some up. In a way, yes, it was Kili's fault in that clouds are responsible for floods."

Fili groaned. "Crap. He would see that as his fault."

There was silence on the other end of the line and Fili pulled the phone away to make sure the call hadn't disconnected. After a moment Thorin sighed. "That would explain a lot about his attitude over the last few years."

"He's been better," Fili said. "He's premed--"

"I'm aware," Thorin interrupted. "Two jobs, averaging a 3.7 GPA, a current course load of five, and is also being considered for several invitation only honor societies."

Fili took a sip of his whiskey. "You've been keeping tabs on him."

"I know his advisor," Thorin said. "Doctor Oin is an old friend of the family. It is in the interest of the family to keep an eye on him. It is the best way to head off any type of scandal he might cause. Though, I have to say, his radio show is very interesting."

"I've never heard it," Fili said. "I should sometime."

"Are things working out between the two of you?" Thorin asked.

"I'm trying," Fili said. "But...how the hell do you make up for telling him that he's the reason dad died?"

"You don't," Thorin said. "You only move forward."

"He thinks he's the family fuck up," Fili added. "He heard you say so."

"He was sixteen and blew up the chemistry lab of the third school we sent him to," Thorin said. "He lasted two months there. He was a fuck up then. He's gotten much better since he entered college."

Fili took a deep breath. "Uncle, I want to stay here. I want to try and fix things between Kili and me, try and get my brother back. If I do, if I can, do you mind if I bring him to your birthday party?"

"Your mother might have an issue with that but it might turn out beneficial," Thorin said. "It would be nice to see Kili again."

Fili sighed and drained his glass. "Any tips on how to handle this situation?"

"Dealing with your brother cannot be any worse than combat," Thorin said. "Consider it a military operation."

:::

"Lee, we need to talk later," Cyn said when she got in the car.

"That doesn't sound good," Nathan said from the backseat.

Kili let his head fall back and thunk against the seat. "Hey Cyn, great to see you. How have classes been? Good? Great. I'm doing good too. My professors got together to ban me from classes for a week. I'm going absolutely out of my mind. My brother's a dick. Got any ideas on how to deal with him?"

Cyn ignored him, putting her seatbelt on and turning to talk to Josie in the backseat. Kili sighed while Nathan laughed and put the car in drive. The plan was to drive to Fenway, grab burgers, and then see if they could get into the Sox game. He was very tempted to just let Nathan take the car for the night and take the subway home after Cyn got through with him. He knew what was coming. It had been coming for a while.

Cyn was a nice girl, someone he had met while he'd been a DJ for The Donkey Show, and they'd been together almost a year. She had been patient with him, for the most part, about doing so much but still making time for her, but lately she had been less and less responsive. The only time they saw each other in the past month was when Cyn had called him late at night for a booty call. That date a couple weeks ago had turned out to be nothing more than Cyn riding him in the backseat of his car. He didn't mind so much but it still made him feel cheap.

He pulled into the parking lot of Tasty Burger and watched the others get out while Cyn stayed sitting. Once the others had closed the doors, Kili sighed.

"Breaking up with me?" he asked.

"We both know this just isn't working," Cyn said. "You have too much going on, having a girlfriend is just getting in the way."

"You know," Kili said with a smile, "most girls would be telling me to ditch the band or drop a class, move my hours, anything like that."

"Those things are all more important to you than I am," Cyn said.

"Cynthia," Kili protested. "You are important to me."

"We don't love each other," Cyn pointed out. "We like hanging out and the sex is fantastic, but I can't see a life with you."

Kili looked out the window. "Okay," he said.

"Okay?" Cyn asked. "Just okay?"

"You don't seem like you would change your mind no matter what I would say," Kili said. "It sucks but, I mean, I know you haven't been happy. So, I mean. Yeah. It's cool and all."

"We'll still hang," Cyn said. 

"Of course," Kili said. "You're still my best girl."

Cyn smiled, leaning over and kissing Kili's cheek before getting out of the car. Kili sighed and flexed his hands around the steering wheel. He wanted to go back home and scream into his pillow and then play video games until his eyes fell out of his head. But Fili was there, at home, and Kili didn't know if he could handle that. Not after earlier. 

"What a shit show," he sighed, fixing his ponytail. He looked up at the knock on the door and tried to smile as Nathan slid inside. "Hey."

"You okay?" Nathan asked.

"That obvious, hunh?" 

"Anytime anyone says they need to talk it is nothing but bad news," Nathan said.

"It's just. It's icing. Cyn breaking up with me isn't that big of a deal but today of all days. First my professors decide they're worried and ban me from class for a whole week. Then they get my boss at the library to let me take the month off. Then I had to deal with my dick brother and got into a fight with him that just. The past, man, it should just stay there. In the past. Where it belongs. Shit happened, lets move on. And then. Cyn dumps me. I can't catch a fucking break."

Nathan reached over and pulled Kili into a kiss, hands cupping his face. Kili froze, eyes wide open, as Nathan made the kiss something more than just a bro type thing. No, this was like, date kissing. Like, I want to take you to bed and make you scream kissing. Kili hesitated and slowly relaxed into it, letting Nathan coax him into actually kissing him with tongue and teeth. 

Kili tilted his head and scooted closer when Nathan reached out and set his hand on Kili's elbow. Nathan slid his hand up and snapped Kili's hair band, freeing Kili's hair and burying his hand in it as he cupped the back of his head. Kili couldn't help the tiny moan he let escape as Nathan did something with his tongue that made Kili very glad he was sitting. Nathan withdrew after a moment, nipping Kili's lip gently as he ended the kiss.

"I've wanted to do that for years," Nathan admitted with a smile, brushing his thumb over Kili's lips. Kili licked his lips, and Nathan's thumb, without thinking about it. Nathan pulled his hands away and cleared his throat. "And you're not freaking out."

"I. You. I?" Kili said intelligently.

Nathan smiled and ran a hand through his slightly shaggy blond hair. "Too much?"

Kili swallowed and rubbed his aching lips with the back of his knuckles, thinking. They felt sore, slightly chapped from Nathan's goatee, nothing like how it was with his girlfriends. He liked it though, the way it felt, and that was just too much. Kili pulled the keys from the ignition and handed them over to Nathan.

"You and the girls take the car," he said. "I'll take the T back home."

"You sure?" Nathan asked. 

Kili nodded. "Yeah, I. Honestly the thinking will be good for me. I'll probably hoof it to Ruggles and just take the bus back."

"Sure you don't want to stay?"

Kili rolled his eyes and punched Nathan in the shoulder. "Yeah, I so wanna stay and hang with the girl who just broke up with me and the guy who just kissed me who just admitted to wanting to do so for years. That sounds like a fantastic idea."

"You wouldn't have to see your brother?" Nathan tried. "First round would be on me."

Kili shook his head. "No, I'm good. I can deal with Fili if I need to. This? This is too much. I need, I need to think. And. I don't know. I just, I don't. Yeah. Look, I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Sure," Nathan said. "I'll drop the car off later, all right?"

Kili nodded and opened the door, climbing out and closing the door. He leaned against the car for a moment, taking a deep breath and letting it out. He heard Nathan getting out behind him and looked over his shoulder. “Mind if I bum a smoke?”

Nathan walked around the car, pulling a pack out of his jacket pocket. He shook out two cigarettes, handing one to Kili and putting one in his own mouth. He lit his cigarette and leaned forward, smirking around the stick, as Kili leaned in and lit his off Nathan’s. He pulled away once it was lit, taking in a deep lungful and slowly letting it out.

“That was mean,” Kili said.

“No,” Nathan said, taking Kili’s cigarette out of his mouth and leaning in to kiss him again. “None of what I’ve done is mean.”

Kili licked his lips again and took his cigarette back. “I’ll see you later.” He turned and walked away, heading down Boylston and cutting through Northeastern’s campus. He tried not to think, just focused on breathing, on how the smoke felt in his lungs. His hand was shaking as he brought the cigarette up to his mouth. He dropped his hand, standing still and focusing on just breathing. That was key, breathing was key. He could feel the jitters starting under his skin, the tightness in his chest.

He dropped the cigarette before it could burn him and he squatted down, one hand curling around the back of his neck. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Calm thoughts. Calm. Kili started mentally listing all the fingers and nerves and muscles in the human hand. Slowly he could feel the tightness start to recede. He stood up, raising his arms and linking his fingers together behind his head as he walked to the train.

:::

Fili was in the kitchen, reading the instructions on the back of a box of mac and cheese, when he heard the door open and then slam shut. He set the box down and went into the living room only to see Kili’s door slam shut a second later. He hesitated, turning to go back into the kitchen, when he heard a muffled scream.

Fili crossed the living room and opened Kili’s door, staring. Kili was face down on his bed, screaming into his pillow, clutching it tight. Fili took a step forward and almost stepped on Smaug as the cat ran between his legs and jumped up on the bed, settling low on Kili’s back and starting to purr. Fili sat down on the edge of the bed and hesitated before rubbing Kili’s shoulder.

Kili let go of the pillow but stayed where he was so Fili kept rubbing his shoulder. It took a moment before Kili turned his head and squinted at Fili. He didn’t say anything, just looked at him.

“I’m going to guess today has been pretty bad,” Fili said.

Kili snorted, turning and burying his head in his pillow again.

Fili reached out and tugged on a bit of Kili’s hair. “Wanna talk about it?”

Kili made a muffled noise into the pillow that sounded very close to words. Fili smiled, stretching out next to Kili on the bed. How fortunate Kili’s bed was a king and could fit the two of them easily. 

“You know,” Fili said, pushing Kili’s hair off to the side. “I could have sworn you were saying something.” Kili turned and glared at him. Fili tapped his nose. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re a dick, that’s what’s wrong,” Kili grumbled.

“Yeah, I am,” Fili agreed. “I’m sorry. I messed up. I know it doesn’t solve anything, doesn’t make you feel better, but I’m trying. What happened wasn’t your fault, Kee. It wasn’t.”

Kili reached out and smacked Fili on the back of his head. “It was. It’s not a big deal. Gotten used to the idea and everything. Just, stuff. Other stuff.”

“You wanna talk about the other stuff?” Fili asked.

“Like hell,” Kili said. “It’s been a day I’d really like to forget, if I can.”

“You have more than enough booze for that,” Fili said.

“You are so judging me,” Kili said, a tiny smile on his face.

“A little,” Fili admitted. “You’ve got a ton of booze for someone who just turned twenty-one five months ago.”

“Yeah, well, my bandmate, Nathan, he’s...” Kili sighed and buried his face in his pillow again. Fili reached out and rubbed the back of Kili’s neck. “Nathan’s twenty-seven. He usually buys if none of us can.”

“You’re hanging out with people six years older than you?” Fili asked, frowning.

“Its a little too late for the protective older brother act,” Kili said. “Nathan’s twenty-seven, Josie is nineteen, Gemma is twenty-three, Chase is twenty, Hawk is...I have no idea how old he is.”

“Those are your friends?” Fili asked.

“They’re in the band with me,” Kili said. “Known each other for a couple years now. I met Gemma through the radio station and she introduced me to the others.”

Fili mulled this over and sat up. “Can, can we get to know each other again? Eat dinner, sit on the couch, and talk.”

Kili looked up at him and hesitated. “Not today, okay? Ask me tomorrow. Today. Today’s just cursed. I want it to end already.”

“Dinner might fix that,” Fili said.

Kili reached back, swatting Smaug off his back and getting to his feet. “I’m not hungry. There’s a freezer pizza you can toss in. Or I might have something frozen you can nuke. Go through the food, there’s enough lazy food that you shouldn’t starve.”

Fili shook his head. “I’m not helpless. I do know how to take care of myself.”

“Sorry, bad habit from when Drake lived here. Kid was a disaster. Could burn water,” Kili said. He stretched and rubbed his lips with his hand. “Yeah, I’m gonna knock myself out. Don’t have to bother with keeping to a schedule so. Fuck. Yeah, I need to stop.”

Kili pushed past him, heading for the bathroom and the medicine cabinet. Fili followed, curious, and watched as Kili snagged a white bottle and popped it open. Kili tossed something back dry and put the bottle back in the cabinet.

“Are you okay?” Fili asked.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Kili said. “I have trouble sleeping every now and then.”

“Have you ever thought about maybe cutting things back a bit?” Fili asked.

Kili snorted. “Well, Cyn just dumped me, been told not to come to class for a week, and been told not to work at the library for a month. So, yeah, I guess cutting back sounds like a really good idea since they made the choice for me.”

“You don’t like people telling you what to do, do you?”

“Never have, never will,” Kili said. “Night.”

“Night,” Fili said to Kili’s retreating back.

:::

Kili woke up with a groan. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and his eyes burned. Fucking drugs. It might have just been Advil PM but that didn’t mean his body appreciated it. Every college student had three things in abundance: caffeine, sleeping pills, and condoms. Alcohol was pretty high up there as well but there were plenty of underaged ones as well.

He rolled over and closed his eyes. He felt a tiny paw tapping at his cheek and sighed. “Go away, Smaug.” 

Tap, tap, tap.

Kili swatted at the air, not making any contact with Smaug, but hearing the little monster start up with purrs. Kili felt his pillow dip and pressure on his hair as Smaug settled above him. He tugged at his blankets and tried to relax back into sleep.

Tap, tap, tap. 

“Smaug,” Kili whined. “C’mon, brat, let me sleep.”

Tap, tap, tap.

“Ohmigod, cat,” Kili growled, reaching back and grabbing Smaug under his front paws and dragging the now mewling animal down to rest against his chest. Smaug whined low in his throat as Kili cuddled him. “Shh, let daddy sleep. Sleep is wonderful.”

Smaug meowed and started licking at Kili’s scruff. Kili sighed and let go of Smaug. The cat stretched out on the bed next to Kili and laid his head on Kili’s hand and purred as loud as he could. Kili looked down at him and sighed. 

“Okay, okay,” Kili sighed. “I’ll get up. Jeez.” He rolled over and tossed off the blankets with a sigh. Tuesday. It was Tuesday and he technically had classes and work and a whole bunch of other things to do. Instead, he had nothing to do until his radio show later that night. This was going to be interesting.

There was a knock on the door. and Kili got to his feet, opening it and staring.

“Hey,” Nathan said. “I was thinking. You have nothing to do now you’re not in class and I needed to drop your car back off, so I figured we’d hang. I brought food.”

Kili frowned, looking around.

“Your brother let me in on his way out. Said he’d call you later,” Nathan said. “By the way, I love your underwear.”

Kili shook his head. “So, what, you’re going to hit on me every time we hang now?”

“Nah, just couldn’t resist. I promise, no more kissing or anything else unless you start it,” Nathan said. He reached out and ruffled Kili’s already tangled hair. “C’mon, I’ve got you a large coffee from Dunkin and two dozen donuts. Think we can destroy those?”

“Yeah,” Kili said, ducking into his closet and pulling on a pair of jeans. “Horror movie marathon?”

“Sounds like a plan,” Nathan said.

He went out to the living room and turned on the PlayStation and the TV. Kili left him to it, going into the bathroom to piss and brush his hair. He washed his hands and then washed his face and brushed his teeth. It helped him feel a little more human and his eyes didn’t ache quite so much.

Nathan had flopped on the couch and was sipping his own iced coffee while he waited.

“What’s first?” Kili asked, sitting next to him and grabbing his coffee. He sipped at it as Nathan hit play.

“I was thinking Silence of the Lambs,” Nathan said. “Then Hannibal, Texas Chainsaw, The Ring, and then maybe something else?”

“Hit me,” Kili said, reaching into the box and snagging a donut. 

They spent the first two movies making fun of them, debating how humans would actually taste if they could get away with being cannibals or not. The donuts had long since been devoured and Kili’s coffee was empty. He leaned against Nathan when the other sat back down after putting in The Ring. 

“You know, when this thing first came out I was terrified of it,” Kili said. Smaug jumped up on the couch and started purring behind him. “Freakiest thing I ever saw.”

Nathan grinned. “Really? That’s saying something. You don’t scare easy.”

Kili smiled and watched the opening scene. He was relaxed and well rested. It was unusual and he kind of liked it. He’d forgotten what it was like to relax. Nathan had stretched out, an arm around the back of the couch and was giving Smaugh little scratched. Kili looked at Nathan and remembered last night. He wondered...

Great. Just what he needed; a sexual identity crisis on top of everything else.

Did he really need to label what happened last night? Did he need to overthink it? It was just a kiss. It didn’t mean anything. And, even if it did, did it really matter? Kili watched Nathan, the way the older man reached out and picked up the soda he’d grabbed and took a sip. The way his lips pressed against the can.

Kili thought about it. Yeah, he was on rebound. Yeah, Nathan was safe. Yeah, he’d never thought about it before but...that didn’t mean anything. Wasn’t this what college was for anyway? Experimenting. Finding one’s self.

Kili let Nathan put the can down on the table before moving over to straddle Nathan’s lap. He looked at him, really looked. Nathan had light green eyes and shaggy blond hair with a neatly trimmed goatee. He was shorter than Kili, but he had muscle along every inch of his body. He was their drummer, good with his hands. Suddenly, more than anything, Kili wanted those hands on his body.

He ran a hand through Nathan’s hair and leaned down to kiss him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NB: WERS is a real station. It’s the Emerson Radio Station, run by Emerson students, and wins tons of awards. 889@Night is also a real show on the station. I’m bending the rules a little because, technically, since Kili goes to a different school and all, but the UMass Boston radio station sucks and the people who run it as assholes (I worked tech support for that school and the radio people were the BIGGEST dicks). SO. Hence, WERS.
> 
> Also, all the stuff Kili talks about (the Oberon, Boston Circus Guild, etc) are real places/things/events. Some don’t exist anymore and I wish they did so I kept them around in here but everything is all real. :D

Kili wandered around the apartment, taking in the little changes. Fili had been there for eighteen days. In four days Kili’s life had gone from normal, if cramped, to empty and insane. He was suddenly rethinking everything, wondering if maybe he’d always had a thing for guys and had just subverted it, ignored it, or if it was just never there to begin with. He was terribly grateful that he didn’t have classes to try and focus on while everything was whirling through his mind.

Fili, somehow, had found a construction job in East Boston and was crashing with a new coworker of his, or maybe it was some old army buddy, Kili hadn’t honestly been paying attention. There was a house he was helping build in Winthrop, across from Logan, and Kili hadn’t seen him in two days. In some ways it was a good thing. If he had to figure out his head while his brother was there, a physical representation of everything else, of all his other issues, then he would probably have gone mad. Or, more honestly, would be smoking through two packs a day and drinking far more than he already was. 

Fili would be gone for another couple of days, at the least, as he kept working on the house. Kili didn’t know why Fili had chosen to bunk with someone else and he wasn’t really sure he cared. Had he... no. No. This wasn’t about Fili right now.

Kili opened the fridge and stared into the depths. He really, really needed to go food shopping. He had two six packs--one Guinness, the other Shipyard Applehead--and and a carton of eggs. He was sure there was something he could do with just the two of them but he honestly didn’t feel like it. He grabbed the pack of cigarettes from the top of the stove and lit one. He took a long drag and blew it out through his nose. 

Smaug darted through the door to the kitchen like his paws were on fire and leapt up to the top of the fridge, meowing loudly at the ceiling. Kili snorted and half-jumped out of his skin as the doorbell buzzed. He had lived in this apartment for two years and he had never gotten used to that ridiculously loud buzzer.

He went to the door and pushed it open before heading for the front door. He arched an eyebrow at Nathan as he opened the door. 

“You have a key,” Kili said, leaning in the doorway as he took a drag of his cigarette again.

Nathan smiled. “I wanted to get you out of the house,” he said. “I’m thinking we go somewhere, do something kitschy, something touristy.”

“Like what?” Kili asked.

“Did you know,” Nathan said with exaggerated enunciation, “that four of the duck boats are original World War Two amphibious DUKWs?”

Kili stared at him and crossed his arms, cigarette hanging from his lips. “Fuck no,” he said.

“C’mon, it’ll be awesome,” Nathan said. “How long have you lived here?”

“Almost four years,” Kili said. “And you’re not getting me on one of those things.”

“Okay, have you done the Freedom Trail?” Nathan asked.

“I am considering doing you some extreme bodily harm right now,” Kili said.

Nathan took a step toward him, hands going out to settled on Kili’s waist and pulled him close. Kili took his cigarette out of his mouth and let Nathan kiss him. Nathan walked him backwards, down the hall, and back into his apartment. Nathan plucked the cigarette from Kili’s hand, taking a drag himself before blowing it out.

“You should really switch to the electric ones if you’re going to smoke so much,” Nathan said. “Healthier. Can smoke wherever. Also cheaper.”

“I’ll think about it,” Kili said, flopping down on the couch. “Did you come here just to drag me out of the house?”

Nathan stood over him with a smile, stubbing out the cigarette in the ashtray on the table. “I want to take you on a date.”

Kili stared up at him. “A date.”

“A date.”

“Why?” Kili asked.

“Dates are things people do together when they’re dating,” Nathan said.

Kili snorted. “We’re not dating.”

Nathan frowned and sat down on the couch, moving Kili’s legs. “I thought we were.”

“No, you started kissing me. Kisses do not equal dating,” Kili said. “I’m not up for dating anyone. I have officially decided I don’t believe in the institution of dating. We should all just screw around with whoever we want and leave it at that. Dating is...archaic and should be abolished. We go out and do things all the time and spend time together. Why do we suddenly have to make it all awkward and do the dating thing? It’s bullshit.”

Nathan stared at him for a moment before leaning over and kissing him. “So, friends with benefits?”

Kili poked his cheek. “Don’t push it, Nate. I’m good with kissing. Maybe something beyond that but I’m still figuring shit out. Kissing is all you’re going to get right now.”

“Making out?” Nathan asked, watching Kili far closer than he would have liked.

“So long as it doesn’t go any further than that, sure,” Kili said.

Nathan nodded and leaned over to kiss Kili. “Do you want to go out and hang somewhere?”

Kili groaned and pushed Nathan away. “You’re ridiculous. Yeah, sure, fine. Whatever. Drag me where you want. It’s not like I’ve got anything to do before midnight.”

:::

“That admin keeps checking you out,” Steve said as he and FIli took a water break. “And she is fine.”

Fili looked over his shoulder. “She’s not horrible.”

“You’re a picky bastard, aren’t you?” Steve asked with a laugh. “I mean, look at her! She’s got amazing Skittles.”

Fili snorted and shook his head. “You guys are ridiculous.”

“I’d liked to taste her rainbow, if you know what I mean,” Steve said.

“I can’t decide who is more absurd,” Fili said, draining his water bottle. “You lot or my old unit. You guys use candy as euphemisms and they used country names.”

“And what do you use?”

“Nothing,” Fili said. He gave Steve a smile and approached the admin in question. She stared as he came closer and gave him a tiny smile when he stopped in front of her. “Emily, right?” he asked.

“Uh, yes?” Emily asked, tucking some of her black hair behind her ear. “What can I help you with?”

“Well, this job seems to be wrapping up quicker than I thought,” Fili said. “And I was wondering if you knew of any other jobs out there. I’m really a lot better with demolitions than with building.”

“That’s right, you were in the army,” Emily said. Fili smiled at her for remembering, noticing her eyes were the same golden brown as Kili’s. “Special forces?”

Fili ducked his head and chuckled. “No ma’am,” he said. “Wasn’t that good.”

“I sincerely doubt that,” Emily said. “Uhm, but. I could look into other jobs for you? And, uh, we could go for coffee tomorrow? I’ll bring a list of jobs you might be able to do?” She was stammering but looking him in the eye as she talked. Fili liked that. She might be nervous but she didn’t waiver once she committed.

“Sure,” Fili said. “I’m staying with a friend in East Boston since it’s closer than my brother’s place so something around here would be good. You have my number, right?”

Emily nodded. “I do. And I think someone mentioned the Moonstruck cafe in town center being pretty good.”

“Tomorrow around four good?” Fili asked. It was a weekend and he was pretty sure they wouldn’t have any work for him until Monday, if that.

“Tomorrow at four,” Emily said with a nod. “I’ll see you there.”

Fili nodded and headed back to Steve who was staring at him with shock.

“Did you get her number?” he asked.

“Better,” Fili said as they headed back to their area to finish hammering a few nails. “I’ve got a date tomorrow for coffee.”

“Holy shit, look at the army boy go,” Steve laughed.

:::

Fili couldn’t sleep. It was becoming a bad habit. He could sleep when he was at Kili’s, but that’s because he trusted his brother to wake him up if it got to be too much. Jonas was doing him a favor, letting him sleep on his couch while Fili was working, but he didn’t want to push it if he didn’t have to. 

He grabbed his cell phone and scrolled through the apps he’d downloaded a few nights ago. He hesitated, looking at the time, and clicked on the app for WERS. 889@Night was playing and that was Kili’s show. When Fili had heard his brother worked from 10 until 2 he’d been a little stunned, but that was Kili. He never did anything half-assed.

“So, it’s one thirty now,” Kili said, his voice sounding clear through the speaker of Fili’s phone. “We’ve just wrapped up a big block of music by Colette Carr, Kat Graham, Natalia Kills, and Neon Hitch. Girl power and all that stuff. I gotta say, female rappers are awesome and have some great beats.

“I kind of wanna play some really awesome kiss off songs but there’s not a lot I can think of. I could cop out and play my default playlist but I don’t know. You ever get in one of those moods where nothing really fits? I’m like this spiky, scribbly ball of emotions right now. My life has kind of gone topsy turvy and I’m scared I’m gonna start breaking out in Disney songs any minute now. Five hundred points to anyone who gets that reference.”

There was a moment of silence before Kili started talking again.

“Okay, so I have a confession to make. I was positive until a week ago that I was straight. Totally positive. I like girls and everything about them. But then my girl dumps me because I’m a self-confessed workaholic and then! And then my best friend, a guy, kisses me. And I’m cool with it. Like, really cool. It’s kind of nice. And I’m thrown. And he wants to date.” Kili sighed. “I don’t know. As I said, topsy turvy spiky scribbly ball of IDEK. And I just used chatspeak. Okay then, let’s see. Music. Music. I am so ashamed of myself.” Kili snickered. “Okay! Nirvana. Nirvana is safe for everyone. So let’s have a little Teen Spirit, while I crawl under the desk and hide.”

Fili stared at his phone as Smells Like Teen Spirit trickled out of his speaker. Kili...and a boy? That was not something he expected. Then again, what did he know? He didn’t even know his brother anymore. He brought up his text messages and shot one off to Kili.

//can we talk//

Teen Spirit turned into Nine Inch Nails, something that Fili had no reference to. The music kept going, songs turning into songs. Fili gave up on Kili responding, maybe he didn’t have his phone in the studio, and called up the annoying little bear game Kili had put on his phone.

//you live!!!// came the eventual response.

//good show// Fili sent. He twisted on the couch, flopping on his side instead of his back so he could type easier. //whats your playlist//

Fili had just hit the back button to go back to his game when the phone rang.

“What the hell are you doing listening to my show?” Kili asked.

“Giving into my curiosity?” Fili asked with a smile. “It’s good. Though, I gotta ask. Jed General? Is that honestly the name you chose to use on radio?”

“I swear to god I will drop Smaug on your face to wake you up the next time you’re home,” Kili said.

Fili grinned. “So, who kissed you?”

“I hate you. There are no words for how much I hate you.”

“Now, Kili, I am your older brother with plenty of life experience in this department,” Fili said, going for the older, wiser brother tone of voice.

“I’m going to hang up on you,” Kili said.

“So, I’m busy today but I’ll be home tomorrow,” Fili said. “What do you say to dinner out, just the two of us? We can try and catch up a little more.”

“Give me a sec,” Kili said and Fili heard the phone being dropped onto a flat surface. He could hear Kili talking, explaining who sang what in the set he’d just played and introduced a commercial break before picking the phone up. “You want to bond, don’t you?”

“I’d like to catch up with you a little,” Fili said. “We don’t know each other. We should. I want to.”

Kili was quiet for a moment and sighed. “Yeah, sure. Dinner tomorrow would be good. I don’t have the show tomorrow.”

“Good,” Fili said. “Good. I’ll, uh, see you then, yeah?”

“Yeah, see you then,” Kili said and hung up. 

Fili checked the time on the phone and smiled as the commercials stopped. 

“All right, not too much longer now before I have to turn over the mic for the morning. Though everyone, join me in saying hi to my big brother. Apparently someone couldn’t sleep and decided to listen to my show. I will tell you right now, if you even try to call in I will either put you on air and mercilessly humiliate you or just hang up on you. You better hope I just hang up on you.” 

Fili laughed at Kili and listened as he wrapped up his show. He shut off his phone and got more comfortable before trying to sleep again.

:::

“So we’re going to bond, is that the idea?” Kili asked as he took a sip of his beer.

Fili grinned. “That is the idea.”

“And what are we going to bond about?” Kili asked. “Guys? Cuz, I gotta tell you, I’m not even all that sure what’s going on with me right now.”

“Nah,” Fili said. “Let’s catch up on stuff.”

Kili rolled his eyes and played with one of the cocktail napkins their waiter had set down. “Okay, catch up. Why’d you join the army? I never got that. Thorin had your whole life planned out for you and you seemed perfectly content to just let him run your life. What changed?”

“There’s your answer.” Fili pointed at Kili with his beer glass as he took a sip. “I had my whole life planned for me and, let me tell you, it sucked. I still have it waiting for me when I get over my hissy fit, which is how mom termed this. She’s furious I’m here instead of back home with her and uncle.”

“You joined the army to get away from Dis and Thorin?” Kili asked. “Isn’t that a little extreme?”

“I’m good at extreme,” Fili said with a shrug. “I don’t mind having to take over Erebor or anything else Thorin has planned out for me but I want to be able to live my own life for a little bit. The army was a good way to get out and see things and meet people I normally wouldn’t. And now I’m doing the same thing here, doing construction and catching up with you.”

“Catching up with me is extreme?” Kili asked, grinning.

“I’d say so,” Fili said. “If you were part of any of my missions I’d be demanding combat pay.”

Kili stared at him. “What?”

“You’re a lot more volatile than most of the IEDs I dealt with over there,” Fili said. “And a lot more likely to explode and cause loss of limb.”

“I’m not sure that’s a compliment,” Kili said slowly. “Or an insult. I...what?”

Fili shook his head. “Nevermind, don’t worry about it.”

“No, what did you mean by that?” Kili demanded. He leaned back as their waiter placed the plate of nachos between them on the table.

Fili sighed and took a sip of his beer while Kili waited impatiently for an answer. “You’re...defensive,” Fili said. “You don’t trust me and you keep looking for a hidden meaning in whatever I say. You like arguing with me and you like to pick fights. Most of the time I’m not even sure why we’re fighting. I get it, I really do, but you blow up on me for the littlest things. You’re explosive and you have no timer that I can try and defuse, you just go off and god help whoever is nearby when you do.”

Kili fiddled with the napkin again, ignoring the food.

“Mostly what I meant by me being extreme by coming here is that I’m not doing what anyone wants me to do,” Fili said. “I think Thorin gets it, but he still wants me to come back and start working at Erebor so I can learn the company before he retires. Mom was absolutely scandalized when I told her I was working construction. You know her opinion on manual labor.”

“And staying with the black sheep of the family isn’t helping,” Kili said.

Fili shrugged. “Fuck ‘em. You’re my brother. If there’s one thing I learned over there is that brothers are important. My unit was my family for two years and I lost them all. Wade got on my ass a couple of times, asking why I’d let you just leave my life like you did. You know what I said?” Kili shook his head, staring at Fili. He wasn’t sure where this was going and he didn’t know if he wanted to. “I said I didn’t know. He gave me such grief over it. I wasn’t the only one with estranged family and he gave us all a piece of his mind about it.”

“Was Wade the one?” Kili asked, picking up a nacho and showing it in his mouth.

“Hunh?” Fili asked, frowning. “Oh! No, Wade was my CO. Mike was the guy I hooked up with.” He reached over and snagged a nacho and ate it. “So, can I ask you a question?”

Kili shrugged, taking a sip of his beer and eating another nacho. This whole thing was turning out to be a little surreal for him. He’d always thought Fili was perfect, always doing what he was told and not caring about all the things he was missing out on. Finding out how wrong he was kind of bent his mind a little.

“What made you want to go premed?” Fili said. “I never thought you’d want to be a doctor.”

“Not going to be a doctor,” Kili said. “Nurse. There’s more need and I think you have more of a connection with the patient. Everyone talks about the doctor does this and the doctor does that but any time I ever ended up in the ER it was always the nurses I saw and the nurses who took care of me. And I like taking care of people, helping them out. No one was there for me when I needed them so I try and be there for others when they need me. I know how important that is.”

Fili smiled. “It makes you happy,” he said.

“I haven’t done any of my clinicals yet,” Kili said, “but yeah. It makes me happy.”

“That’s all that matters then,” Fili said. He dug into the nachos, leaving Kili to try and figure out how he felt about Fili’s approval. Part of him, a small part, was glowing with pride and amazement that part of his family approved of what he was doing. No one had ever approved of him since he was twelve. It was kind of shocking.

They worked on the nachos in silence, working steadily to demolish the heap. Kili finished his beer and sat back as Fili scooped up the last of the jalapenos on a chip and ate them. Kili caught their waiter’s eye and held up his empty glass and got a nod back.

“So,” Fili said, wiping his hands on his napkin. “Tell me about the guy.”

“You first,” Kili said, avoiding looking at Fili’s face.

“You know how I was on the baseball and soccer teams in high school?” Fili asked. Kili glanced up and nodded. “That’s how I figured out I liked guys. There was enough locker room talk that I knew to keep my mouth shut, but there were a few of the guys who would look a little too long. We managed to figure it out and we hung out. Dates weren’t allowed because, c’mon, dudes don’t date.” Fili snickered. “Which was such bull but that was high school.”

“And Mike?” Kili asked.

“A lot of don’t ask, don’t tell,” Fili said. “Off base, though, was a lot easier. Normal dates with normal make-out sessions and everything else.”

“Did you love him?” Kili asked curiously.

Fili shook his head. “No, not like...undying love like everyone talks about. He was, I don’t know. He was important to me. It wasn’t love, not yet, but I think it could have been.”

Kili wanted to ask about the rest, about what had happened that led to Mike dying--and shooting Fili in the back--but didn’t know how to ask. He had some tact, after all, and he knew that it wasn’t a good idea to ask someone with PTSD about their trauma. At least not at an Applebee’s. Later, maybe, but he could let it go.

“What do you wanna know about Nathan?” Kili asked.

Fili stared at him for a moment and gave him a tiny smile. “I think I remember you telling me he was older and still in college.”

“Yeah,” Kili said, taking a healthy sip of his beer. “Nathan’s twenty-seven and a print media major. Fancy talk for journalist. He’s the drummer in our band and...I dunno. What do you want to know?”

“He’s twenty-seven and still in college?” Fili asked.

Kili rolled his eyes. “So disapproving,” he said. “Nathan’s done a lot. After high school he joined Greenpeace and did some stuff with them, did a stint at City Year, and some Habitat for Humanity projects. He only started college up last year.”

Fili stared at him. “How the hell did the two of you meet?”

“We got stuck in an elevator, actually,” Kili said. He sat back in the booth and tried to think. “It was about...almost four years? I was still in high school. I think...I think it was at the library downtown or somewhere like that but we got stuck there for about three hours because one of the transformers blew and half of the Back Bay was without power. So we got to talking and found out we had a lot in common.”

“I didn’t know you went to high school in Boston,” Fili said.

Kili opened his mouth to reply as the waiter came over and set their food down. Kili grinned and attacked his steak, cutting into it as Fili cut his burger in half. “Yeah, Dis finally found a school that would take me here. And, I dunno, I guess I got tired of being bumped around so much and I let one of the teachers sit me down and talk to me about my options. It was the history teacher, Mr Alexander, but he had a degree in philosophy and would talk to me about the philosophy of the founding fathers. Mostly Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, and Montesquieu but it got me interested enough.”

“Suddenly I’m starting to see why you and a political activist are friends,” Fili said.

“Get us drunk and watch us argue the Federalist Papers,” Kili said with a grin as he stabbed a bit of steak and ate it cheerfully. “Anyway, we met and talked. I had piercings and a tattoo already and he’s got plenty of ink and metal too. So, there was that and there’s a bunch of other things he showed me. I’ve made a lot of friends with a bunch of Boston’s burlesque crowd and the...offbeat stuff, I guess? The Boston Circus Guild and the people at the Oberon are amazing. I did a DJ gig there for the Donkey Show, even got written up in the Phoenix.”

“Words are coming out of your mouth but they have zero meaning to me,” Fili said.

Kili sighed. “Okay, uhm. Burlesque, please tell me you know what that is?” Fili nodded as he ate his burger. “Good. There’s a bunch of different troupes in Boston and there’s all these different events. There’s Traniwreck which is pretty often at the Oberon, a performing arts club in Harvard Square, and the Boston Circus Guild which is all over the place. There’s cabaret and a bunch of fun stuff.”

Fili finished half his burger and sat back, sipping his beer. “What’s the Phoenix?”

“It used to be Boston’s free newspaper,” Kili said. “They did write ups about the local music and performing arts scene. It closed earlier in the year because people and the economy suck.” He stole one of Fili’s fries. “Anyway, Nathan and I kept running into each other and that was that. He and bunch of people had put together a band and needed a guitarist and I’ve been playing that for years so.” Kili shrugged and went back to stabbing bits of meat on his fork. “So we’ve been pretty close for years.”

“I’m getting that,” Fili said, watching Kili closely.

“What?” Kili asked. “Do I have something on my face?”

“No, you’re just...a lot more relaxed and happy when you talk about Nathan and the things you do in Boston,” Fili said. “You’re like how you used to be.”

“If you say so,” Kili said, sipping his beer and attacking his potato with the steak knife.

“So, he’s an activist and a journalist, you guys have a lot in common,” Fili said, eating a fry. “I get why you guys are friends, but that doesn’t explain the jump to dating. What’s so attractive about him?”

Kili ate a bit of his potato as he thought. What was it about Nathan anyway? “He, kind of, reminds me of you, actually,” Kili said. He was frowning as he thought, going over the way he and Nathan mostly interacted. “Back before everything. Only he’s a lot more laid back then you are.”

Fili stared at him for a moment, fry raised halfway to his mouth, before he started laughing. “You’re a dick,” Fili said.

“Why, for stating the truth?” Kili asked with a grin. “Sue me.”

Fili threw his fry at Kili and rolled his eyes.

:::

There was a hard, slick body under him, someone on their hands and knees with their head hanging down as they made encouraging noises as Fili thrust slowly inside them. He leaned forward, biting an earlobe and tugging at it, tasting metal.

“Trust me,” he said, bracing a hand on the other’s hip and placing a heavy hand on the back of their neck. 

His partner went down easily, his knees spreading more for easier support, face pressed into the pillow. Fili ran his hand through the long brown hair and started fucking the other man again. Fili left his hand there for a moment before moving it to grab the other’s hand, their fingers wrapping together as Fili thrusts picked up speed.

“Fuck,” he groaned. “You feel so good, so tight.”

The man under him said something but Fili couldn’t understand the words. All he knew was those noises were encouraging and the other was staying exactly where Fili had put him, their fingers laced together. He leaned down, biting and dragging his teeth along the back of the other’s neck. He could tell there was a pattern there, a tattoo, but he was too focused on the feeling in his balls, the tightening, the need and burn. He bit down, shaking his head slightly and listened at the other gasped and cried his name.

Fili groaned, pulling out of the tight ass he’d been in, and grabbed the other’s hip, shoving him onto his back and fisted himself fast and tight. He looked up as he started to come, splattering it against the other’s stomach and cock, and locked eyes with Kili whose eyes were blown in pleasure and his cock heavy with need. He reached out, his hand sliding over Kili’s firm stomach in his own come as he leaned down to kiss him--

\--and promptly woke up by falling off the bed onto his back, shoulders and head first.

Fili cursed as he righted himself, blankets tangled disturbingly tight around his legs, realizing that he had made a complete mess of his boxers. He stared down his body as he stood, peeling off his come stained underwear, and looking down at his cock like it had betrayed him.

He was thinking of fucking his little brother. His little brother who had never been with another man (most likely). His little brother who--

Fuck, no. FIli was not going to think about how good of a lay Kili was. He wasn’t going to think of the way Kili was pure, lean muscle and all those tanned swaths of skin Kili showed off as he hung around the apartment in nothing but his shorts. FIli couldn’t even really think of Kili as his little brother, sort of, since the man he was sharing living space with was as far from the little brother Fili remembered as possible. This man was twitchy, volatile, and just figuring himself out.

Who also had a fantastic ass and a--

No.

No. This was wrong. All of this, this was wrong. There was no way in any world these thoughts were okay. This was incest, or at least fictional incest because, really, Fili couldn’t hold his sleeping mind accountable. His brother was very attractive, even with all that ink and metal, and Fili liked attractive men as much as the next guy. 

It was perfectly normal to have these type of dreams, he rationalized as he changed his underwear. Completely normal. He’d found out about Kili wanting to try things with guys, found out that Kili actually had a guy, and that said guy reminded Kili of him. Which, well, FIli hadn’t been too sure how to respond to that.

But he’d seen the marks on Kili’s neck and shoulders when they’d gotten home and Kili had hopped in the shower. There was even a bite mark on his shoulder. Part of him, a primal part of him, wanted to stake claim to the attractive man his brother had become. He wanted to own him, mark him, let everyone know that all of Kili was his. He wanted to be the one to have left that bite mark, the one who left those kiss bruises.

There was more, an innate curiosity about the piercings in Kili’s nipples, the one in his tongue that Fili had seen at dinner while Kili had been bored and played with idly. He wanted to reach out and play with those silver rings, to see what sounds he could wring from that firm neck, to see if what everyone said about getting head from someone with a tongue ring...he wanted those experiences, he wanted all of that.

But it was wrong. It was so wrong.

Wasn’t it?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The jokes about Emily that Kili uses are accurate and honest jokes. As someone who used to go to that college (I escaped while I could) I feel totally justified in using such...slurs. Though I will also admit that it's not true for everyone there. Just 95% of the people who go there. ;)

Kili laughed as Nathan overshot the trash and the paper towel full of lemon guts spilled all over the floor. "Oooh, tough luck! Now you gotta clean my floor!"

"The whole floor?" Nathan asked, looking at Kili with a disbelieving look.

"Oh hell yeah, you think I got time for that bullshit? I'll make it easy on you--Swifer is in the big closet in the living room." Kili grinned from his spot at the kitchen table, his bare feet propped up on the table as he watched Nathan cook. It was Friday, his last day of professor-imposed exile and his turn for the weekly dinner party. The living room was already set up with as much stuff to sit on and put drinks and food on as possible, along with games, video games, and card decks. Cyn had bailed out and Fili had a date so the drama should keep at a respectable level of zero. 

“How about this,” Nathan said, grabbing the canister of anti-bacterial wipes and squatting down near the trash, picking the lemon up and tossing it in the garbage and then cleaning that patch with the wipe. “And then when all our friends aren’t about to show you indulge in your maid fantasies then.”

“You gonna dress up as a French maid for me?” Kili asked, taking a sip of punch. As it was his house, he supplied the liquor while everyone else supplied the food. It was one of those nice rules they had come up with since everyone would be using plates and making a general mess. Drinks were the easiest thing they could give the host to do. And Kili made his drinks strong. The rum punch he had made had an entire 750mL bottle of Sailor Jerry's dumped into it. He had already had two glasses, just to check that it tasted all right.

Nathan turned the heat down low on the lemon Alfredo he was making and came over to Kili, tilting his chin up and kissing him. "If you want me to dress up like a French maid, I'm game, but then you'll have to dress up for me sometime."

Kili snickered. "Nah, I'm good. I don't think I could take you seriously if you wore a skirt."

"Good because I make a horrible drag queen," Nathan said as he stole another kiss and went back to the Alfredo.

Kili hummed under his breath and snagged his phone, sending a text off to Fili.

//sure u don't wanna come?//

//some other time// came the prompt reply. 

//date going that well?//

"I will lock your phone in the freezer if you keep fussing with it," Nathan said from over his shoulder.

"Fuck off," Kili said with a smile. He pulled up the reply from Fili and laughed. "Oh man, my brother got roped into a double date."

Nathan came over and took Kili's phone away, ignoring Kili's shout and pout, and dumped it in the silverware drawer. "Chase is gonna be here soon with the girls soon and the rest of the food. You can stop harassing your brother for a couple of hours.”

“I kind of like harassing him,” Kili said, taking a big drink of his punch. “It’s...weird. I mean, eight years, yeah? Its weird having him back but also kind of nice, right? I dunno. We're kind of getting along. For the most part. Realized I kind of missed his stupid face all these years. Still a dick but that’s brothers for you. But harassing him, now that’s fun. I wonder what he’d do if I put food coloring in his toothpaste.”

"You're drunk," Nathan accused as he started plating the Alfredo and throwing the chicken and shrimp he'd pan fried onto the plates as well.

"So come take advantage of my drunk self," Kili challenged.

Nathan made sure the stove was off before coming over and dragging Kili out of his chair and to his feet. "You want me to take advantage of you?" He asked, tugging Kili against him.

"Why not?" Kili asked. "I'm curious."

"Curious," Nathan asked with an arched brow.

"Yeah," Kili said with a smirk as he reached down between them and grabbed Nathan's cock through his pants. "Curious."

Nathan groaned, "Why do you do this now?"

Kili nuzzled Nathan's ear. "Stay the night," he said. "I want you to stay the night."

:::

Fili didn't expect the dinner party to still be going by the time he got home around eleven. The living room was strewn with plates and empty bottles of wine and craft beer. Glasses were everywhere and there was a big bowl of punch sitting in the middle of the coffee table. There must have been more people who had already left because surely three people couldn't make this much mess on their own. Kili was sprawled on the couch, using another man as a pillow, smiling and laughing as they played Trivial Pursuit on the PlayStation.

"Fee!" Kili cheered when he saw him. He tossed the controller to the floor and launched himself off the couch and over to Fili, half jumping on him and latching onto him. "Missed you!" Kili said as he nuzzled Fili's ear.

"He's drunk," the man in the couch said. He had shaggy blond hair and green eyes with ears almost as pierced as Kili's and a few other facial piercings in his eyebrow and lip. "He gets insanely affectionate when drunk."

"That's like saying a cat just likes catnip," the other guy said, this one with black and green streaked hair and dressed in a suit that would have looked more appropriate a hundred years ago. "You can get Lee to do just about anything when he's drunk. Remember that party at Kings? He got up and danced on the bar. Or that time at the Middle East? Or that--"

"That one time, at band camp," the blond said. He got to his feet and tried to help pry Kili off Fili. "I'm Nathan, nice to meet you. That’s Vin over there."

Vin waved. “I know Lee from the radio station.”

"No," Kili whined as Nathan finally detached him from Fili. "My brother! You can't have him. He's mine, he came back to see me.”

“Lee?” Fili asked, prying Nathan’s hands from Kili’s arms and letting his brother hang off him.

“Ki _li_? Lee? He goes by that more than anything else,” Nathan said. He was watching as Kili squirmed in FIli’s arms and jumped up to wrap his legs around Fili’s waist. 

Fili braced himself better and slid a hand under Kili’s ass. “Okay, I think the night’s over. If you guys don’t mind seeing yourselves out...?”

Kili wrapped his arms around Fili’s neck and nuzzled his hair. “Fee,” he said happily. “You smell really good and you’re strong. Reaaaaally strong!”

“You’re ridiculously skinny and drunker than a navy ass on leave,” Fili said, holding him and sighing. He watched as Vin got his stuff and started leaving but Nathan went back onto the couch and turned the TV on and started flipping channels. Fili narrowed his eyes but carried Kili into his bedroom. Kili kept rubbing his face against Fili’s hair. “Kili, c’mon, let go.”

“No,” Kili pouted, clinging to him tighter and unbalancing them. “You’re gonna leave me again!”

Fili reached out and grabbed Kili’s nightstand as he went down, cursing as they fell to the ground and the nightstand and lamp went with them. Fili yelped, holding onto Kili tightly to try and protect him, landing hard against the wood floor as the lamp smashed and then nightstand clipped Fili on the elbow. Kili squirmed, wrapping himself a little tighter around Fili and burying his face against his neck. 

Fili sighed and rubbed Kili’s back. “I’m not going anywhere, okay?” Kili didn’t budge, mumbling something unintelligible against Fili’s skin. Fili let his head thunk back against the hardwood floor. “You’re ridiculous when you’re drunk, you know that?”

Kili’s breathing had evened out and his grip loosened after a moment. Fili gently rolled him over onto the floor and got to his feet. He looked out into the living room and stared.

“What are you still doing here?” Fili asked Nathan.

“Kili asked me to stay the night,” Nathan said.

“Tough shit,” Fili said. “He’s drunk and passed out and I don’t want you here while I watch him. So get out.”

Nathan shrugged and got to his feet. “You don’t even know who he is anymore, what makes you think you have the right to care about him?”

“Because we’re family,” Fili said. “And family is everything. Now get the fuck out before I throw your ass out.”

Nathan shook his head and picked up his bag. “You might be trying to make amends and get to know him again but you’re just being selfish. One of these days you’re going to leave and he’s gonna be left here without you, just like before. If you care about him you should be the one who leaves. Let him get on with his life without any of you making it harder.”

Fili went to the front door and opened it, waiting with a pointed look for Nathan to leave. The man shook his head and left. Fili barely resisted slamming the door but did lock it and throw the chain. He ran a hand over his growing out hair and went back into Kili’s bedroom. His brother was still on the floor, his hair in his face, looking rather adorable. Fili pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a picture of Kili before kneeling down and shaking him awake.

“Fee?” Kili mumbled, squinting up at him.

“C’mon,” Fili said, pulling one of Kili’s arms over his shoulders and hauling his brother to his feet. “Let’s get you into bed and some water into you.”

Kili mumbled and stumbled a little once he was on his feet and stood, blinking at Fili for a moment before pulling his shirt over his head. It took a little more coordination, and Fili helping brace Kili, to get his jeans off, but he got Kili into bed and ruffled his hair. He turned the TV off in the living room and grabbed a couple of water bottles from the kitchen and went back into Kili’s room. Kili was sprawled over his bed and was smiling at Fili in the way that drunks do.

“Hi,” Kili said, drawing out the vowel. “How was the double?”

“How much have you had to drink?” Fili asked, sitting next to Kili.

“A lot,” Kili said. “Was cele...uhm. Celasomething.”

“Celebrating?” Fili asked. He got Kili to sit up a little, mostly by leaning on Fili, and gave him the water bottle. Kili drank at it while resting his head on Fili’s shoulder.

“Mmmhm,” Kili said, closing his eyes. “I got classes. Love class. Class is good.”

Fili rubbed Kili’s back and shook his head. “Anyone ever tell you that you have a problem?”

Kili straightened a little and blinked at him. “Problem?” he asked, head tilted adorably to the side.

“You do too much,” Fili said, tugging Kili’s hair out of his ponytail and putting it into a tight braid for his brother. “You should enjoy life a little more.”

Kili was quiet, sipping his water. “Who’re you dating?” he asked, carefully saying his words. 

Fili was amused and kept braiding. “Why do you wanna know so bad?” he asked. “Jealous?” Kili tried to pull away and Fili gave a sharp tug on Kili’s hair, making his brother stay still. “Her name is Emily,” he said. “She works for the construction company as an admin. She graduated from Simmons College and is going back for a degree in social work. She’s really nice, if a little shy.”

“Dump her,” Kili said, waiting until Fili took the hair elastic off Kili’s wrist and tied off the braid before looking back at him. “Simmons girls are trouble. They go to school and wait for the MRS degree and are total SLUGs.”

Fili stared at him. “Explain?”

“SLUGs are Simmons Lesbians Until Graduation,” Kili said as he carefully pronounced each word. “And they just go there so they can get their MRS degree. The Mrs degree, cuz they all just want a big fat diamond on their hand.”

“And you know this how?” Fili asked.

“Common knowledge,” Kili slurred, leaning back against Fili and drinking more water. “They’re bad news.”

“How about I dump her if you dump Nathan?” Fili asked. “Guy’s a dick.”

“But I want his dick,” Kili said, looking stubborn.

Fili watched Kili drink his water in silence for a moment before he sighed and dropped a kiss on the top of Kili’s head. “If you want to start dating guys you can do better than him.”

Kili twisted, looking at him. “Yeah?”

Fili nudged the almost empty water bottle. “C’mon, drink up.”

Kili finished the water and handed it to Fili, sitting up on his own as FIli got up to throw it out. “Will you stay with me, Fee?” he asked.

“You haven’t called me Fee since we were little,” Fili said, unbuttoning his jeans and sitting on Kili’s bed. “Why the sudden change?”

“Cuz,” Kili said. He leaned against Fili and looked at him considering. “You gonna stop seeing the slug?”

“I’m not going to let rumors dictate who I date,” Fili said.

Kili mumbled unhappily and flopped onto his back. Fili shook his head and smiled at the petulant look on his brother’s face. Fili chuckled and got up to shut off the light and get under the covers. “C’mon, Kee, under the covers. I’ll even cook you breakfast in the morning to help with the hangover.”

Kili went willingly enough and curled up with Fili like they used to when they were little. Fili rubbed Kili’s back and closed his eyes, listening as his brother’s breathing evened out in sleep.

:::

Kili opened the door when Nathan knocked and smiled at him. “Hey, sorry about Friday,” he said.

Nathan reached up and pulled Kili into a kiss. Surprised, Kili let it happen, closing his eyes as Nathan licked into his mouth and began walking them back into the apartment. Kili gave a tiny gasp when Nathan bit his lip gently and tugged before laving the spot with his tongue and going back to kissing.

They made it to the couch and Nathan pushed Kili down on it before following, kissing him again before moving his mouth to nibble and kiss his way along Kili’s jaw and throat.

“Oh god,” Kili moaned , shuddering as Nathan’s hands started to move along his sides as they went back to kissing. Kili tried to dominate the kiss, used to being the one in control, but Nathan would not yield to him. He pulled back after a moment, his green eyes dark and at half-mast, nipping Kili’s bottom lip. “Nathan,” Kili said, trying to hide the hitch in his voice.

“Shh,” Nathan said. “I’m easing your curiosity.”

Kili started laughing at that and arched up against Nathan, stretching slightly. “Yeah? And what’re you going to do with me?”

Nathan kissed him again, just a quick one pressed against Kili’s grinning lips. “We’re making out right now. I promise to keep it to at least second base.”

Kili snickered, leaning up and kissing Nathan again. “Second base? Which formula are we using? The four Fs or the typical one?”

Nathan leaned down, nibbling kissing along Kili’s jaw and neck. “What are the four Fs?” he asked.

“French, feel, finger, fuck,” Kili said, arching his back slightly as Nathan’s hands slid under his shirt. “Fuck. Nathan, c’mere, kiss me. I want you to kiss me.”

Nathan smiled and covered Kili’s lips with his own, kissing him with heat and hunger, enough that Kili could feel his cock hardening in response. He could already feel Nathan’s, the feel of it bigger than Kili’s own, and it sent a hot little zing through him. He’d done that. He’d gotten his friend hard. He reached up, hands going into Nathan’s hair and kissing him with everything he had.

“I was thinking,” Nathan said in between kisses. “The normal dating bases.”

“Yeah?” Kili asked. “Like what?”

“First base,” Nathan said as he pulled back enough to look Kili in the eyes, “is kissing. I think we’ve got that down without any issue.”

“None,” Kili said, licking his lips. “You’re good at that.”

“You’re not too bad yourself,” Nathan said. “Your mouth is addicting.” He leaned down and kissed Kili again, their tongues moving slick against each other’s. Nathan pulled back with a tiny groan and dragged his nails down Kili’s side. “Second base,” he said, “is hands.”

Kili arched an eyebrow. “Hands?”

Nathan pulled his hands away from Kili’s chest and reached down to rub against Kili’s cock through his shorts. Kili gasped, hips arching up and couldn’t stop the hungry moan from escaping. “Hands,” Nathan said with a smug smile. “Lots and lots of hands.”

Kili spread his legs just the tiniest bit, enough that Nathan was now cradled between them which gave him the perfect angle for grinding against each other. Kili bit his lip and grabbed at Nathan’s hair, pulling him down again for a kiss. Nathan indulged him, giving him little chaste kisses and nipping his lips gently, teasing him as their hips moved slowly together.

“Third,” Nathan said against Kili’s lips, “is mouth. And fuck but I’d love to see yours wrapped around my dick.”

Kili, not totally sure what to do with his hands, brought them down to rest over Nathan’s ass. “You’ll have to walk me through it,” he said. “Never done it before.”

“You’re gonna be a natural,” Nathan said with a rolls of his hips that had Kili biting his lip so as not to groan as loudly as he wanted to. “Such a natural.”

“Fourth?” Kili prompted, letting Nathan reach down and pull his t-shirt off. He grabbed the bottom of Nathan’s and helped peel it off of his friend.

“Fourth is me fucking you into your mattress,” Nathan said. “Face down, ass up, listening to you try and be quiet against your covers. Fuck, I can practically taste how amazing you’ll be.”

Kili moaned weakly as they continued to grind and kiss. He wanted to come, wanted so badly for so much of everything. His brain felt cloudy from lack of sleep and alcohol and Nathan felt so damned good against him. He barely heard Fili coming in as Nathan worked a hand between them and down Kili’s formerly loose cargos. Kili gasped, arching up against Nathan and moaned into the other’s mouth as jerked him off to completion.

:::

Fili leaned against his closed door and tried to get his breathing under control. That was his little brother out there, making out with his boyfriend--rebound, a nasty little voice in the back of his mind said, rebounds never last long--as said boyfriend made him come.

Fili hadn’t been able to move from his spot by the open door. He had watched Kili come, the way he flushed, the arch of his back and hips, the way his hands grabbed tight to Nathan’s arms. All too easily could Fili imagine being in Nathan’s place, pinning Kili down and...

No. That was wrong. Wrong on so many levels. He was...fuck but he wanted to see Kili come undone like that under his hands, his mouth, his cock. His own prick twitched and he could still hear the noises from the living room, the sound of Kili mewling and Fili could just imagine what was happening.

Fili reached down and readjusted himself just as Kili let out a long moan. Fili closed his eyes and gave in, unbuttoning his jeans and shoving them down just enough to get his cock out of his underwear and stroke himself to the sounds his brother was making. He closed his eyes and imagined what he would do to make those noises.

If he’d just made Kili come he’d lick him clean, making sure not to miss a drop that had spilled on his stomach, and he’d suck on his nipples, maybe use his teeth to pull at the metal he had there. The metal probably gave Kili’s skin a tang and Fili wanted to badly to know what he tasted like. He kept imagining what he’d do to Kili that he barely had time to shove his hand in his mouth to silence himself before he was coming, spilling all over his hand as he did so.

Fili slumped back against the door and looked down at his hand. He was so, unbelievably, fucked.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. There was a lot of personal shit going on and then work shit and I kind of...forgot about Paradox for a bit? Anyway, on Tumblr I do prompts and asks about the Paradox boys so if you're ever craving, you can keep an eye on my tumblr (jynxwrites) for whenever I open the asks/prompts for Paradox. Again, sorry for the delay, hopefully I won't make you wait so long between chapters again?

"It's been three weeks since you moved in with your brother," Dr Scott said. "When you first came here you were very negative in talking about him. Has anything changed?"

Fili looked at him. "Changed? Yeah, a lot has changed. An insane amount of things. It's ridiculous. I can't. I don't get it."

"What don't you get?"

Fili looked at the pictures above Doctor Scott's head and tried to think. He couldn't admit to having those thoughts about his brother. That would just be insane. His leg was jittering and he sighed, "I want to protect him. He's got this friend I'm not really fond of, Nathan. I might've mentioned him before. Anyway, I don't like him but he said something that's gotten to me."

"And what would that be?"

"Me and Kili have figured a way to deal with each other," Fili said. "We're not...perfect, not by a long shot, but we are better than we have been. And I love it, I love that we are getting close again because as much as he used to annoy me when he was younger he's actually a really great guy. He's a dork and ridiculously smart and driven and someone I'd be proud to call friend, let alone family. But, see, Nathan said that when I leave that it's going to hurt Kili again. And I didn't even really think about it that way. I have to leave eventually, go back to California and mom and Uncle Thorin and the company but, I don't know. If I do that, I'll lose him, I know I will. And I don't think I could bear to lose him again."

:::

Never before had Kili been so happy that it was Monday. He was back in classes and he was focusing on learning. He loved it. Though, his mind kept drifting back to that make out session with Nathan that had ended as something far more than just kissing. It was frustrating when he was trying to focus on his philosophy notes when his mind just wanted to think about the way Nathan's hand had wrapped around his cock and wow, no, okay. Bad mind. Popping a boner in the middle of class was such a bad idea.

He squirmed in his seat and focused intently on class and what Bilbo was saying. Once class had ended he bolted out the door and went to the library. He found an unoccupied couch and stretched out with his bag and laptop and pulled up Google. He really, really needed to find out what he was getting himself into.

He hesitated, glancing around his little corner and typed in "beginner butt play". He didn't really know what else to type and tried not to laugh out loud when the first result he got was Glamour's website. He clicked the link and browsed through the information there before hitting the back button. Nope, not what he was looking for.

He tried the next link, also a woman's website, and quickly read through it. All the information was the same. Cleanliness, lube, don't feel pressured, yadda yadda yadda. He read a little more and shifted down to get more comfortable. Experiment with butt plugs the website said at the bottom. Kili frowned and kept reading, eyebrow arching as he read further. Keep the butt plug in all day? Holy shit. How the hell could that possibly be comfortable?

He stared at a phrase and tried not to laugh. Butt Plug Pilates? What the fuck? He opened another tab, snickering, and did a search for it. He made a disappointed noise when he couldn't find more information about it and switched over to the other tab, grinning. He kept reading, finding that while this was aimed toward women that the information was pretty universal. Try different positions, push, fingers, and go slow. Kili opened up Evernote and started a new note, adding the website for more information later and some of the tips he'd found. He went back to Google and looked for another link to explore.

"A Beginner's Guide to Doing the Butt."

What the hell were these people smoking? Kili couldn't stop snickering. He knew the topics were serious and he really did need to know all this if he was going to let Nathan...

Or maybe he'd be the one doing?

But...

Kili bit his lip, staring blankly at the page in front of him. He'd automatically made the assumption that he'd be the one on the receiving end. Was it a good thing he was assuming this? He didn't even know which way Nathan went; one thing he knew was that most people were either bottoms or tops but tops were rare. He listened to Nathan and other people in his social stratosphere talk and he'd heard the bitching about picking a guy up at a club only to find out that both preferred to bottom. Kili didn't remember what Nathan had said on the subject and he grabbed his phone in a panic, about to send Nathan a text, but stopped.

Did he want to admit to Nathan what he was looking at? Would that be considered a green light to go ahead and push him into something he wasn't sure he wanted? He chewed his bottom lip for a moment before sending the text to Fili instead. Fili had had a boyfriend, he'd know the answer. And wasn't that the point of older brothers, to ask them questions and learn from their life experiences?

//how do u know who tops or bottoms?// he sent before shoving his phone back in his pocket.

He went back to the web site and poked around a little more. Condoms are a must, water-based lube, anal...anal beads? Kili made a note in Evernote of everything he found and kept going. He knew of a sex shop in Somerville that he could go to and ask questions (and buy things) but it would be best if he at least knew something of what he wanted to get.

Kili browsed through the rest of the results and sighed. Yeah, enough with the womanly advice. He needed more about the male perspective. He altered his search for gay anal sex for beginners and made his notes through what he saw. Most of the advice was the same and Kili browsed a couple more before closing his browser.

Every site recommended exploration. So that was what he was going to do. He was going to explore his body and see what he liked. Which meant a trip to the sex shop. This was going to be fun.

:::

Fili stared at the text Kili had sent and shoved his phone back in his pocket. He went back to picking out groceries and tossing them in the cart. Every few minutes, though, he pulled out his phone and stared at the message again.

He made a noise in the back of this throat and sucked it up before firing back a quick question.

//does the thought of a cock up your ass make you rock hard and desperate?//

Fili locked his phone and stuffed it back in his pocket before grabbing a couple bags of chips and putting them in the cart. He ignored his buzzing phone and continued through the aisles, trying to resist the urge to see what Kili said. He lasted ten minutes before groaning and pulling his phone out.

//idk//

Fili stared at his phone. He didn’t know? How could Kili not know? How could you not think of the imagery and decide if it turned you on or not? Was Kili oblivious?

//you can be both// he started typing. //do you want to be pinned down and ridden hard? do you want to ride someone’s cock until you & they lose their mind? or do you wanna do the holding down and be the cock?//

Fili tucked the phone back into his pocket and finished the shopping. His phone didn’t buzz with another text until he got home and was putting stuff in the freezer.

//gonna be late//

Fili stared at the text, a bad feeling settling in the pit of his stomach.

He left the apartment, not sure he wanted to be home when Kili got there, and pulled out his phone. He wanted Middle Eastern food. He never thought that in a million years he'd end up missing that food. When he was overseas all he could think about was getting himself a decent burger, or a good milkshake and fries, hell, even corn on the cob. He used to dream about all those insanely stereotypical American foods he never cared for before. Except for pizza, he loved pizza and had rejoiced when he had gotten back and snagged a slice of greasy cheese pizza at the airport.

He remembered Kili used to mess around in the kitchen when he was little and would make pancakes whenever he got the chance. Fili wanted those pancakes, or waffles...he should ask, next time they woke up at the same time on a weekend. He spent the next few hours wandering around Harvard and Davis Squares, not sure he wanted to be back at the apartment any time soon. He finally boarded the train home around nine after grabbing an ice cream come and watching a couple neck against the subway doors.

It was a nice night out, people having their windows thrown wide, walking around without jackets for once, and Fili watched them get off the train with a small smile. It was nice to see people enjoying themselves. He walked down the street with his hands in his pockets and froze outside the apartment when he heard someone moaning. He saw Kili's window was open and a dim light was on.

Heart in his throat, Fili went up the steps, straining his ears to see if he heard anyone else. There was the barest sound coming from the open window except for a sudden gasp and a loud groan. He felt himself flushing as he fumbled his keys and unlocked the door. He rubbed his neck as he stepped into the hall and hesitated. He could leave. He could turn around and find somewhere else to spend the night, but he also didn't want to leave Kili alone if he didn't have to. He’d done enough of that over the years.

He went to the apartment door and stuck his key in the lock, turning it and opening it. He didn’t try and be quiet, just in case Kili heard him and stopped whatever it was he was doing, and shut the door and threw the locks. He turned on the living room lights and stared at the fact Smaug was flopped out on the floor in front of Kili’s door and was pawing at it silently. The little demon looked at Fili and meowed pitifully, pawing at the door again.

“Like you think I’m gonna help you,” Fili murmured, his eyes immediately being drawn back to Kili’s door at a particularly loud moan. Fili swore silently and went into the kitchen, grabbing a beer and taking a deep drink of it. He saw a black plastic bag and a receipt sitting crumpled up in it and reached out to see what Kili had gotten. Black plastic bags usually meant liquor but Fili hadn’t seen anything new in the fridge.

He almost wished he hadn’t looked at the receipt when he saw the items. Condoms, lube, anal beads, butt plug, a vibrating butt plug, a normal vibrator, and dildos in two sizes. Fili let the receipt drop back to the counter and took another sip of his beer, flinching slightly as he heard Kili again. His imagination was officially his own worst enemy. He could just imagine what Kili was doing in there. His text earlier had been the beginning of everything and now here he was, locked in his bedroom, and making noises that made Fili’s cock fill.

Fili took his beer and went into his bedroom, thinking maybe he should go to bed, maybe that would stop his mind from imagining what was going on. He set his beer down and pulled his shirt off, making sure his window was closed and the shade drawn. He could still hear Kili’s gasps and moans and Fili swallowed thickly. He glanced down at his cock, already hard and straining against his jeans, and swore softly.

He shoved them down and wrapped his hand around his cock, eyes closed as he listened. He thought about himself in his brother’s room, watching him as Kili fingered himself, and stroked his cock slowly. He would tell Kili what to do, tell him how to angle his fingers to hit his prostate, or order him to shove that vibrating plug inside him. Fili knew those plugs and how they had a secondary remote and Fili would have it while Kili writhed on the bed.

He’d watch Kili bear down on that toy, gasping and moaning, as his little brother worked his cock...and then he’d turn on the vibe. He’d start out low, let Kili get used to it, and then slowly increase the vibrations.

Fili bit his lip, hand moving faster as he heard Kili get progressively louder. Kili was close, that much Fili could guess, and Fili wanted to come listening to Kili.

He let himself be drawn back into his fantasy, closing his eyes as his hand moved faster over his own cock, and thought about what he’d do. Once Kili had come once from the vibrations he’d climb on the bed with his little brother--his panting, come-splattered, hungry-eyed little brother--and pull the plug out slowly. He’d set it aside and push his fingers inside Kili, teasing him, listening to him moan and beg Fili to fuck him, and then he would. He’d grab a condom and the lube and he’d shove his cock inside Kili. He’d listen to Kili babbling, pulling him closer and moaning, begging Fili to fuck him hard, and he would. He’d do whatever Kili wanted, watching his face as Fili fucked him. 

Fili was startled out of his fantasy by the sound of Kili shouting and then whining softly and gasped, working his cock furiously as Kili came in the next room. Fili shoved his free fist in his mouth, biting down as he came as well. He made his way to his bed on unsteady legs, and looked down at his hand. He reached over for a tissue and wiped his hand clean. 

He’d just gotten off to listening to his brother in the next room. 

:::

Kili lay panting on his bed, his hair sticking to his forehead and his neck. He squirmed around as he pulled the vibrating plug out of his ass and set it on the towel he’d grabbed earlier. He didn’t think he’d ever had a more satisfying orgasm in his life. He knew now what Fili had meant when he’d asked if the thought of a cock up his ass made him desperate. If sex with another guy was anything like the toy he would definitely be wanting to be on the bottom. Holy shit.

Part of him wanted to call Nathan, tell him to get his ass over here and fuck him blind, but something stayed his hand. The websites all said to only do it with someone you trusted and loved. Kili remembered how his first time with a girl was awkward and flat out sucked. It was anticlimactic and neither of them had really enjoyed themselves. He wanted this first time to be different. He wanted it to be perfect.

:::

“I’ve booked tickets for you and your brother,” Thorin said as Fili ate breakfast. “The party is going to be at Atelier Crenn. You and Kili will be staying at the Mandarin and sharing a room. They’re a little over booked with this party.”

“That’s fine,” Fili said absently as he ate his oatmeal. “It’s in a week, right?”

“I want you and Kili to come the day before the party,” Thorin said. “Frerin was rather insistent on that. He wants to try and get Dis and Kili talking.”

“As much as I love him, Uncle Frerin doesn’t know when to quit. That’s great for PR but shitty for family,” Fili said. “If you want this to go painlessly then it’d be better to keep mom and Kili separated.”

“Which I agree on,” Thorin said. “I thought you and Kili might be able to go through some of his old things in the house instead. Dis will be flying back in later on in the day so you would have some time.”

“That would be nice,” Fili said. “We’ll do that and then he can spend some time in the city while I deal with mom.”

“Exactly,” Thorin said. “She is currently looking at prospective women for you to marry. You can expect many of them at the party, I’m sad to say.”

“Mom wants what she wants and will make us all do it eventually,” Fili said. “Heaven forbid I tell her I don’t want to get married and have kids. She’d start crying on me.”

“You could just tell her you prefer men,” Thorin said with a chuckle.

Fili winced. “Yes, let’s do that, and then see how long it takes for her to start screaming at me, and then, once that’s done, she’ll start trying to pair me with men who would be beneficial for the family.”

“That’s what was done for her,” Thorin said. “And she made the best of everything.”

“She did what she had to because you and Uncle Frerin wouldn’t,” Fili pointed out. “She got lucky that it was dad she ended up with. She told me she’d had a crush on him since she was little and then when great-grandfather forced the issue and picked him that she had never been happier in her life.”

Thorin sighed. “Are you going to continue to work construction?” he asked, changing tactics.

“Demolitions,” Fili said. “I’m good at blowing things up after the army.”

“Have you considered something else?” Thorin asked.

Fili groaned. “Uncle, I really don’t want to deal with Erebor just yet. Mom keeps pressuring me enough as it is. Please don’t add to that.”

Thorin chuckled. “No, I was thinking more along the lines of private security. It would be with Erebor but with you as an employee, not as someone in control. Dwalin had the idea, actually, saying it would be a good adjustment for you from soldier to civilian.”

“I’ve been doing okay so far,” Fili said.

“Fili,” Thorin said, his voice firm over the phone. “No one would be okay after what happened to you. We want to help you.”

“I like Boston,” Fili said. He watched as Smaug jumped up on the kitchen table and sniffed at Fili’s bowl. “I like living with Kili and adjusting.”

“Erebor does have a security office in Boston,” Thorin said. “You could still stay with Kili and take the job.”

Fili waved Smaug away with his spoon, the cat sitting back and trying to swat at it. “I’ll think about it.”

“That’s all I ask,” Thorin said. “Speaking of your brother, how is he?”

Fili hesitated and Smaug grabbed his spoon out of his hand and promptly attacked it, the spoon almost the same size as the ball of fluff. “What do you mean?” he asked carefully.

“The week off he had to take. Did it help?” Thorin asked.

“Sort of?” Fili said, leaning back in his chair and trying to breathe. “He got a lot done while home but I was at a job for a good chunk of the week.”

“All right,” Thorin said. “I was just checking.”

Fili frowned at the phone but let it go. “All right...”

There was the sound of talking on the other end of the phone and the muffled sound of cloth being dragged over the receiver and then Thorin was clearing his throat. “I have to go, Fili, but I’ll call you in a few days to make sure the travel information is all set.”

“Okay,” Fili said as he got up to get another spoon. Smaug was currently mauling his previous one, chewing on the metal. “I’ll talk to you later.”

Thorin didn’t answer, disconnecting the call instead, and Fili set the phone down. He ate the rest of his oatmeal in silence. He and Kili would be sharing a room for four days. He hoped Thorin had gotten them separate beds or this was going to be a very uncomfortable, unfortunate trip.


	7. Chapter 7

The next morning was awkward, to say the least.

Fili had gotten up and made a large pot of coffee and poured himself a bowl of cereal. He glanced at the schedule on the fridge door as he sipped his coffee. Tuesday. Kili's first class wasn't until noon. That gave him some time to talk to his brother about Thorin's party. Hopefully he'd be able to look Kili in the eye after last night.

Kili came into the kitchen as Fili was sitting down and made a beeline for the coffee pot. Fili watched him, taking in the way Kili's long hair was tangled and knotted in a way that advertised that he had had sex last night. The way he held himself, the confidence he exuded unconsciously, said even more.

"You, uh, might want to keep the windows closed next time," Fili said, breaking the silence.

Kili looked over at him, brow furrowed in confusion. "Hunh?"

Fili cleared his throat and took a bite of his cereal. "Last night. You, uh, left the window open. Heard you from halfway down the street."

Kili continued to frown as he took another sip of his coffee. Fili watched him and saw the moment his brain kicked online and realized what Fili was saying. "Oh my god," Kili said, his face flushing bright red. "You heard?"

"I don't think there wasn't someone on the street who didn't," Fili said wryly. Smaug jumped up on the table and walked over to Fili's bowl, looking into it curiously. "I'm assuming you found the answer to your question?"

Kili nodded, still looking mortified, and set his coffee down and picked the cat up and set him on his shoulder. "Yeah, I did," he said. "It's probably different with an actual dick but it was fun."

"I could tell," Fili said, eating more cereal

"Hey, you got any tips?" Kili asked, sitting down after snagging his coffee cup. "I mean, the internet only tells you so much."

Smaug hopped off Kili's shoulder and say on the table between the two brothers and began cleaning a paw. Kili grabbed an orange out of the fruit bowl and watched Fili expectantly.

"Tips?" Fili asked.

"Yeah," Kili said. "Tips. I've got a lot of things and I'm trying to figure out what I like."

Fili reached for his coffee and took a big gulp of it. "Sorry, I uh. I don't actually have much experience on the receiving end of things."

"Oh," Kili said, looking a little dejected. "Okay."

"Actually, I need to talk to you about something," Fili said, eating more cereal. Smaug was moving closer to his bowl and he flicked his spoon, and some leftover milk, at the furry softball. "Thorin's fifty-eighth birthday is at the end of the week."

"What about it?" Kili asked, sipping more coffee. He was shifting slightly in his seat and Fili could just imagine why.

"He wants you to come," Fili said. "Already bought tickets and a hotel room. He wants to try and repair the rift."

Kili stared at him and shook his head. "No."

"It was never him," Fili said. "It was always mom--"

"He never stopped her, did he?" Kili demanded. "None of you ever stopped her. Who cared, right, as long as we looked like the perfect family for everyone else. And once it became obvious that I would never toe the line she tried to get rid of me."

"Kee," Fili started to protest.

"We should all be thankful she decided to try her luck with the courts instead of hiring someone to kill me," Kili said. He was furious, cheeks flushed and eyes narrowed, but he looked gorgeous to Fili.

That didn't mean he had missed what Kili had said last.

"She would never have wanted to kill you!" Fili protested.

"You sure about that?" Kili asked. "She hates me. I'm a living reminder that dad died. That he died because he went out in a storm to get medicine. I'm still around even though I never got them so obviously it wasn't that important!"

Fili shook his head. "We ended up in the ER that night. You nearly stopped breathing twice. Mom wasn't there because she was dealing with dad but I was there. Do you know how terrifying that was?"

Kili sat there silently, drinking his coffee. Fili rubbed a hand over his scalp.

"Look," Fili said. "Shit happened. Yeah, you and mom will probably never be able to see each other without wanting to claw each other's faces off but that doesn't mean you need to cut everyone out. Uncle Thorin and Uncle Frerin miss you, so does great grandfather."

“Funny way of showing it,” Kili said.

Fili rubbed his face with both hands. “Kili. It’s three days. It won’t kill you to come see your family for three days. We’ll even keep you and mom apart so you don’t have to deal with her.”

Fili looked up when he heard the chair scrape against the floor. Kili was on his feet, taking his coffee cup over to the sink and pouring it out. He left the kitchen and Fili could hear his bedroom door slam shut. He sighed and picked up his own coffee, taking a healthy sip and trying to figure out how he would get Kili to California with him. He went to pick up his spoon and eat more of his breakfast when he noticed Smaug was face first in his bowl, eating and drinking his milk and cereal. Yeah, this was going to be a fantastic day.

:::

Kili was in one of the abandoned corners of the quad, picking away at his guitar and letting his mind wander. There was so much going on in his life right now that he was starting to lose hold on what was actually important, what he needed to do to keep true to himself. Fili's announcement that morning had thrown him for a loop, and he still wasn't sure how to react to it. Thorin wanted him to come--hell, it sounded like most of the family (except for Dis) wanted him there. That didn't make any sense. They're the ones who had been all right with Dis sending him away to school after school and they never fought her when she dragged him into court when he was sixteen.

None of this made any sense.

"Hey Lee," Nathan said, kissing Kili's cheek and sitting down in front of him. "What's hanging?"

Kili smiled, hands stilling. "Not much, you?"

"Same old," Nathan said with a shrug. He dropped his backpack on the ground and smiled at Kili. "Been thinking about the other night."

Kili laughed. "Yeah? What about it?"

Nathan took Kili's guitar away from him and set it on the ground, reaching out and dragging Kili into his lap. "Been thinking about how I made you come," he said. "I wanna do it again."

"I'd probably let you," Kili said. He kissed Nathan, tapped his nose, and pulled away enough to put his guitar in her case. He wasn't about to let something happen to her if he could help it. "What would you do with me if I let you?"

Nathan arched a brow. "What do you want me to do?"

"Orgasms are good," Kili said, straddling Nathan's lap and settling in it. "I'm pretty sure that's the whole point of fooling around after all."

"I should phrase it better," Nathan said, one hand going to Kili's ass. "What will you let me do?"

Kili reached out, dragging his fingers through Nathan's shaggy blond hair as he thought. He didn't love Nathan, not like an earth shattering love, and he trusted him to a point. He didn't want the second time he lost his cherry to be in the name of getting off.

"Want to agree on bases?" Nathan asked.

Kili arched an eyebrow, smiling. "Bases?"

"The four fs," Nathan said. "French, feel, finger, fuck."

Kili continued to fidget with Nathan's hair, smiling absently as the older man leaned into his touches. "I think I'm good with the first three," Kili said.

"You'd be good with fingers?" Nathan asked, clearly surprised.

Kili leaned down and kissed Nathan. "Probably. Don't push me."

"I have no intent to push you into anything you're not cool with," Nathan said. "You'd kick my ass."

Kili grinned. "Damned straight I'd kick your ass."

Nathan kissed Kili again, "What have you got left for the day?"

"Lecture," Kili said. "One of the long ones."

"What do you say to dinner and some fooling around?" Nathan asked.

"I've got the show tonight," Kili said, biting his lip as both of Nathan's hands ended up on his ass, kneading the flesh there. "You need to stop that right now."

"If I don't?" Nathan asked.

Kili tried not to groan and leaned in to kiss Nathan hungrily. "I am not missing my lecture," he said sternly.

"You've got, what, another thirty minutes before it starts?" Nathan asked. Kili nodded, trying to shift to relieve the pressure of his pants against his rapidly swelling cock. "Well, I know a good place we can go, and it'll let me help you out with that problem of yours."

"Yeah?" Kili asked, trying not to think of the multiple ways they could get caught and loving the thrill it sent through him. Who knew public sex could be a turn on? "And what're you gonna do to me?"

"I think," Nathan said, one hand moving from Kili's ass to grip his cock through his pants, "that I want this is my mouth."

Kili bit his lip, eyes closing. "Yeah, okay," he said. Fuck, Nathan's hand felt good. "Yeah. I'm game with that."

"Good," Nathan said, moving to stand and helping support Kili when his own legs shook. "Cuz I'm gonna see if I can make you scream."

:::

Kili hummed softly to the radio as he cooked food for the day. He'd gotten home from the station an hour ago, too full of energy too sleep properly, so he'd chopped vegetables and chicken and started making a stir fry. He kept one ear out for the sound of Fili having a nightmare but otherwise didn't focus on anything else except for the cooking. He turned the heat down low and fetched some plastic containers and a large plastic spoon to start dishing the food into them. He took the empty pan and put it in the sink, looking around and thinking about what else he could make.

He headed to the cabinets and pulled down a packet of marsala mix. He still had some chicken left over and he threw it into a new pan. His mind was deliciously blank after everything that had happened that day. Music and cooking tended to relax him and that was what he needed most right now, relaxation.

But he did have a decision to make.

He snagged a bottle of beer out of the fridge and browned the chicken in the pan. He poked them with a fork, considering. He was trying to think of any pros of going back home but all he could see were cons. Lots and lots of cons. No matter what Fili had promised there was no way he could totally avoid Dis. Then there was Thorin. Kili could still hear his uncle's voice reverberating in his head as he called him the family fuck up.

It really came back letting himself be hurt again. He had let Fili in, let his brother get under his skin in a way that he hadn't let happen in almost a decade, and so far there was no hurt. Oh, sure, they still fought but it wasn't the type of fight where they went for the emotional jugular. Could he allow himself the possibility of something better?

Fili seemed to think it was a good idea, though it rankled a little that Thorin and Fili had both assumed that he would say yes--enough that the tickets and hotel room had been booked.

Kili emptied the packet of masala over the chicken and took a deep drink of his beer. He stirred everything mindlessly for a moment, his mind blank. He reached back and dug his phone out of his back pocket and checked his calendar. End of the week... If they were to get to California at a decent time in Friday then Kili was going to have to skip his classes and let the station know to have a backup ready. He grabbed a pen from the bookcase next to the fridge and scribbled things to do on the cartoonish ghost shaped notepad stuck to the door. He turned the heat down on the chicken and went to the hall closet, checking to see if he had a duffel or suitcase.

He dug out a gym bag and poked around it, checking to see how big it was. Three days...he'd need to bring his books, laptop definitely. Clothes. Yeah, the gym bag should be fine. He tossed it into his bedroom and went back into the kitchen to poke at the chicken some more. He liked his lips and looked around. Rice would go good with the chicken and he could just dump everything in the rice cooker and let it sit. He got out what he needed and set it up, trying to quash the tiny flutter of excitement in his stomach.

He heard a body hitting one of the chairs and grabbed another beer, passing it over to Fili.

"Didn't hear you wake up," Kili said as he went back to the Marsala. It was bubbling nicely in the pan, cooking and seeping into the chicken.

"Woke up before the nightmares," Fili said with a sigh. "What're you making?" Kili speared a bit of chicken and offered it to Fili. Fili took the offering and chewed, humming softly in approval. "That's really good."

"Not all me," Kili said. "The sauce was premade."

Fili shrugged, "Still tastes good."

"I'm too lazy to make a Marsala sauce by hand," Kili said, turning away from Fili and poking at the chicken. He was nervous. Why was he nervous? "Which, you know, is ridiculous because I make Alfredo sauce from scratch and those have got to be harder than a Marsala."

Kili could hear Fili opening the beer and taking a sip before setting it down. He turned and opened the freezer, wondering if there was any lazy sweet he could make. He went over to the cabinet and pulled out a thing of chips ahoy and grabbed the carton of cool whip out of the fridge and set them in front of Fili.

"Uh...?"

"Insanely lazy ice cream sandwiches," Kili explained as he got Fili a spoon, a plate, and some plastic wrap. "Trust me, they're good. As if you're gonna be awake with me you might as well help out."

"Is it just me or are you a lot more energetic than you have any right to be at 4:30 in the morning?" Fili asked, opening the cool whip and pulling some cookies toward him.

Kili hesitated before digging around in a drawer and producing a container full of fish sprinkles. He set it down in front of Fili with a grin. When his brother looked at him funny, Kili shook the sprinkles onto the plate and took the finished sandwich from Fili, rolling the edges in the sprinkles before handing it back to him.

"Why do you have fish sprinkles?" Fili asked, wrapping the sandwich in plastic wrap and setting it aside.

"Because," Kili said, going back to the chicken on the stove. He pushed it around a couple of times and then took it off the heat, turning the stove off. The rice was still cooking so he sat down across from Fili and started making the lazy ice cream sandwiches with him.

"Because isn't a reason," Fili said.

"Cyn has a container of bright pink penis sprinkles," Kili said. "And Gemme has a bunch of tit shaped ones. Se also has a dick cake pan."

"So me thinking you'd matured and everything was probably in error?" Fili asked.

"No offense, bro, but you could use a little immaturity," Kili said.

"Immaturity is a bad thing, generally speaking," Fili said as he finished wrapping the sandwich he was making and took a drink of his beer. He yawned and set the bottle down before starting on another one.

"Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature," Kili said.

Fili stared at him for a moment and groaned. "How the fuck are you so goddamned functional on so little sleep?"

"Practice," Kili laughed.

"You're still an immature ass," Fili said. "Petulant too."

"Big words from someone who's half asleep."

"Big words from an immature person," Fili shot back.

Kili grinned. "Maturity is knowing when to be immature."

Fili stared at him for a moment before dipping his hand in the cool whip and flinging it at Kili. Kili laughed as it hit him in the middle of his face, licking what he could off his mouth and using his fingers to get the rest off his nose and cheeks. Fili made a disgusted sound and went back to his cookies. Kili went into the bathroom and ran the water, cupping his hands and wiping off the cream and sugar. He came back out with the towel, wiping his face.

"What time are the tickets for?" Kili asked as he sat back down. He dropped the towel next to his beer and took a drink of it, making a face when he realized it was almost gone.

"Tickets?" Fili asked with a frown.

"Yeah, for Thorin's birthday," Kili said. "What time do we need to leave?"

"You're gonna come?" Fili asked, the cookie he was handling dropping to the plate and crumbling. "You're really going to come home with me?"

"It's three days," Kili said, looking away from Fili. His heart was suddenly pounding in his chest. What was wrong with him? "You keep Dis away from me and we're good. I...just keep her away from me or I won't be held responsible for what happens next."

"That's totally fair," Fili said. "I'll call uncle in the morning and let him know that you're going to come and that we need to keep you and mom apart."

Kili nodded and got up when he heard the rice cooker pop. He grabbed a couple of Tupperware containers and started dishing out the food and put it in the fridge. He opened the freezer and started loading in the sandwiches he and Fili had made and started cleaning up.

“What made you decide to come?” Fili asked as Kili loaded everything in the sink.

Kili stopped up the sink and let the water run, pouring dish soap in with the water. He couldn’t decide if he should tell Fili or not. Was it really important to keep it from him?

“I trust you,” Kili said as he turned off the water once the sink was full. “You say you’ll make sure that Dis doesn’t go in on me and I trust you. You say that Thorin wants me there, that he wants to try and be family again, and I trust that.” Kili didn’t turn around, his heart thudding nervously against his chest and he could see his hands starting to shake. “You’re my brother and I trust that you want to look out for me. That we want to try and...set things straight.”

“Right,” Fili said after a long moment. “Brothers.” He got up from the table, his chair sliding across the floor, and wrapped his arms around Kili from behind. “I promise not to abuse that trust, okay?”

Kili turned and wrapped his arms around Fili in return. “Yeah,” he said. “Okay.”


	8. Chapter 8

Fili glanced at Kili as his brother came out of his room, gym back slung over his shoulder and a laptop bag in his hand. Kili was dressed in a pair of baggy cargo shorts and a t-shirt that declared More Cowbell and a green zip up hoodie. He looked absolutely normal aside from the jewelry, though he swapped out a lot of the more eye-catching jewelry with simple silver studs and bars.

"You ready?" Fili asked.

"Yeah, let's go," Kili said, bouncing a little on his feet. "Driving, right?"

"Yeah," Fili said. He was about to say something else when Nathan, bedhead and dressed in a pair of boxers, stumbled out of Kili's bedroom. The other stopped, kissed Kili's cheek, and headed for the bathroom. Fili tried not to grit his teeth. There was something about Nathan that just set him on edge. Kili liked him, though, and that was ultimately the most important thing. "Is he staying here while we're gone?"

"Nah but he'll be here every now and then to check on Smaug," Kili said.

The kitten came bolting out of the kitchen at the sound of his name and went back on his paws as he tried to climb up Kili by his shorts. Kili crouched down, setting his bags down and scooping the demon cat into his arms. He gave the cat a couple of good scratches and talked about how he was leaving for a little bit and wasn't he going to be a good kitten for Nathan? Fili tried not to smile but it was hard. Kili was ridiculous and so was the cat. Smaug was making pitiful sounding meows and was licking at Kili's nose.

"I've got him," Nathan said as he took Smaug from Kili. The cat meowed loudly but let Nathan flip him on his back and hold him like one would a baby. Smaug grumbled for a moment but stopped making noises.

"He's hopeless," Kili said with a laugh.

"He loves his owner," Fili said. He shifted his bag and nudged Kili. "C'mon, we better get going. We've got a flight to catch."

Kili nodded, gave Smaug one last skritch and gave Nathan a kiss, picking his bags up before following Fili out of the apartment. Kili had his keys out and opened the trunk, tossing the the bags in and slamming it shut. Fili climbed in the passenger seat and made himself comfortable. Hopefully he could catch some sleep on the six hour plane flight since he hadn't actually gotten much sleep last night. Apparently Nathan had decided to send Kili off to California with a smile, though Fili hadn't thought he'd stayed the night.

"You okay?" Kili asked as he pulled out onto the street.

"Just tired," Fili said, slouching down in his seat. "You get loud."

Kili flushed a little and rummaged around for his sunglasses when he stopped at a red light. "You wanna stop and grab a coffee?"

"No, I'm good," Fili said. "I'll just grab some sleep on the plane trip. Thorin got us first class so it'll be easy enough."

Kili turned and stared at him for a moment before glancing back at the road. "First class?" he asked.

"Yeah, what about it?" Fili asked, digging his own sunglasses out of his carry on and closing his eyes once they were on.

Kili was silent for a moment, just the low sound of the radio playing. "I forget, sometimes, what it used to be like. You know, having money, being able to do whatever you want. Working only because you need something to do, not to put food on the table and doing things because you want to not because you have to."

"You know that just because you cut mom out of your life doesn't mean you're not a Durin. You have the same right to the money as I do," Fili said.

"I'm not a Durin anymore," Kili pointed out. "I took dad's name when the courts granted my request."

"Like a name really means anything," Fili said, resting his head against the window glass and stretching out. "Blood is blood and you're family. Great-grandfather still has you in his will, same with Thorin, Frerin, and grandfather."

Kili didn't say anything after that, turning the music up and humming softly along to the songs as he drove. When he started singing, Fili smiled and kept his eyes closed. Kili really did have a lovely voice, a low tenor that he knew how to use to his advantage. Fili wondered if he'd ever been taught how to sing and if so, who had taught him. There was still so much he didn't know about Kili, so much he wanted to know.

Whether it was about his brother or Kili as a person. He didn't think it really mattered. Except it did. All these thoughts in his head were about Kili as a person, not his brother. Still, there was that flutter of unease in the back of his throat when he thought about the dreams he was having more and more recently. Forget the memories of war and dying and combat and explosions and death, the dreams and wants of pinning Kili down and fucking him, or feeding Kili his cock, or any number of things his mind came up with in the dead of sleep. He knew it was wrong but...it wasn't his brother he wanted. He hadn't had a brother for years. He had an insanely attractive man living next to him, one who was loud when caught In the throes of passion.

"You've got a nice voice," Fili murmured, yanking his mind away from those thoughts before his body gave him away.

Kili chuckled softly. "No I don't. Hawk is the singer of the group."

"I like it," Fili said, stretching a little. "We gonna park in long term?" Kili hummed an affirmative as he pulled off I-93 and made his way around the airport until he got to long term parking. He found a good spot in the garage and pulled out his phone, typing in the location of the car in his phone. "We should get you a new phone while we're in Cali."

Kili looked up at him. "Why?"

"That phone's, what, three or four years old? We'll get you something new that'll work better and do what you need it to do," Fili said.

"Wanna buy me a new laptop and an iPad while you're at it?" Kili asked, getting out of the car.

Fili opened his door and closed it, "Why not, if you need them."

Kili was opening the trunk and stared at him for a moment before pulling out their bags. He closed the trunk and locked the car, apparently deadest on ignoring Fili.

"I mean it," Fili said as they walked to the corner for the airport shuttle to pick them up. "If you need it, let us help you out. Consider it eight years worth of birthday and Christmas presents if you want."

"I'm fine," Kili said.

“You sure?” Fili asked.

“Drop it,” Kili said, ignoring him as they climbed into the shuttle.

Fili sat across from him and dug out his phone, sending a quick text to Thorin.

//on our way. think k might be having 2nd thoughts//

Fili locked his phone and watched Kili for a moment. “I think I’ve changed my mind. Coffee would be great.” Kili looked at him, snorted, and grinned, slouching comfortably in the shuttle.

:::

Kili stretched out in his seat in first class. This was amazing. The seats were those full body ones that encouraged sleep and had it’s own power outlets and there was even wifi. He dug out his laptop and it’s power cord, plugging it in and willing the heavy machine to power on. He could work on his philosophy midterm--a 5 page paper on Thoreau and Walden Pond--on the flight and relieve some of the burden on himself on the upcoming week.

Midterms were always hell and papers were easy. He’d get the paper done on the flight--wifi! on a plane!--and then spend whatever free moments he had this weekend reviewing his A&P notes and probably make up flash cards. He had a study group for A&P but they were meeting today and he would be in California by the time they met. He was on his own and he hoped he didn’t bomb the test. He knew on average that most students ended up taking A&P twice because they inevitably failed the first time but he would be damned if that was going to be him.

“You brought your laptop?” Fili asked sleepily from his spot in the adjacent seat.

“And my texts,” Kili said. “Midterms are next week. I have to study and hey, what better way to use six hours of enforced downtime?”

Fili made a tiny hum of agreement and shifted, getting more comfortable in his seat. Kili turned back to his paper, digging out the book he was using as his source and the articles he’d found on Project Muse. He had his battered iPod going while he worked on his paper, humming snippets of the songs he was listening to idly. His paper unfurled before him, concise and well written, as he hit save.

Which was when the laptop went black.

Kili stared at it in shock.

“Oh fuck,” he whispered. He unplugged the laptop and pulled out the battery, blowing on the connectors and praying to every god he knew the name of that this would work. He plugged the battery back into the computer and tried turning it on.

Nothing.

He plugged it back into the power.

Nothing.

Kili swore softly and viciously as he lunged for his old, beat up Blackberry. He pulled up the Google Drive app and frantically searched for his paper. The document was there and...and it was just missing the conclusion. Kili breathed a sigh of relief and started adding it from his phone. It was slow going and painful, but he needed to have it done. Once it was he dropped his phone back into his bag and groaned unhappily. He was so screwed.

“Wussap?” Fili murmured, cracking an eye open as he looked at Kili.

Kili sighed. “Laptop just died. Right before midterms. I love my life.”

Fili stretched in his seat. “We’ll get you another one later.”

Kili kept his mouth shut, flushing slightly in aggravation, frustration, and gratefulness. His pride demanded he say no. His bank account and his classes demanded he suck it up and say thank you. “Thanks,” he said softly.

Fili reached over and found Kili’s hand, giving him a firm squeeze. “Don’t mention it.”

Kili looked down at Fili’s hand, heart thudding painfully in his chest, his throat feeling tight. It felt almost like a panic attack but it wasn’t the same. He hunched down in his seat and let go of Fili’s hand. He pulled out his statistics textbook and started reviewing his formulas. He saw Fili shift again and fall back asleep.

Kili forced himself to focus on the numbers but he kept glancing over at Fili. He looked peaceful in his sleep, relaxed. Kili hadn’t ever seen FIli look so... Kili yanked his mind away from that thought process and looked down at his book. Nope. Math just wasn’t doing it for him. He put it back in his bag and tugged his notebook for psych out and opened it in his lap.

He read his notes on the testaments of those in a video who had discovered their sexuality as LGBTQAI. People who said that it started with subtle attraction, like butterflies and racing hearts, sweaty palms, all the typical with an added side dish of guilt and shame. Kili frowned. He hadn’t ever felt that way with Nathan. He’d felt lust and want but nothing like that the others had described.

It didn’t matter, though, Kili thought as he shut the notebook and put it away. So he wasn’t in love with Nathan and he didn’t feel the first stirrings of anything but the need to get off. He liked Nathan but he didn’t...he didn’t feel anything for him. Or maybe he did. Kili had never felt the way these people had. He looked at his notes, looking at the way he’d written down their descriptions. He’d never felt the anxiety before a first date, never had the sweaty palms or racing heart...

He never put himself out there. He’d never actually loved someone before because he didn’t want to open himself up to the hurt. Was he just settling then? It might explain the way he went through relationships. Cyn had been his longest, almost a full year between the two of them. Kili sighed and curled up on his side, unintentionally mirroring Fili. He needed to sleep. Maybe after some sleep his life would start making sense.

:::

“Do you know who’s picking us up?” Kili asked as he shouldered his gym bag and backpack on the same shoulder. He looked nervous and twitchy, like he wasn’t quite sure of what his reception would be.

“Uhm, I think Thorin?” Fili said, going through his phone. He’d sent a text as soon as they’d landed and had yet to receive a response.

“Kili!” came the shout across the room.

Kili froze, not sure who it was who had shouted and was immediately grabbed and swung around by Frerin. Kili’s bags had dropped and Fili winced. If the laptop wasn’t busted before it definitely was now. Thorin came up beside Fili, his hands in his pockets. 

“He wouldn’t let me come without him once he found out Kili was coming,” Thorin said quietly.

Fili smiled and watched as Frerin stopped spinning around with Kili and continued to hug Kili so tightly he would probably be feeling the hug for days. Kili had stopped being so stunned and was hugging back, every bit as tightly. Frerin was talking as he hugged Kili, letting go but gripping Kili’s shoulders tightly as he beamed at him. Kili looked a little shell-shocked, but was smiling and gripping Frerin’s shoulders back.

“I haven’t seen him smile like that,” Fili said. “This was a good idea.”

“Kili was always Frerin’s favorite,” Thorin said. “It comes with being a second son.”

Fili watched as his uncle stepped forward and took Frerin’s place, pulling Kili into another rib-cracking hug. Kili took a moment before he wrapped his arms around Thorin as well, but he did. Frerin was smiling and picking up Kili’s bags, cheerful as ever, and went back to wrapping an arm around Kili’s shoulders when Thorin let go. Fili had stayed where he was, watching and smiling. Kili looked a little overwhelmed with both Frerin and Thorin hugging him. Fili walked a little bit behind the three of them, climbing into the back of the car with Kili as their bags were put in the trunk by Frerin.

“So, back to the house or?” Frerin asked.

“Su--”

“We need to get Kili a new laptop,” Fili interrupted Kili. His brother shot him a wide-eyed look. “It crapped out on him on the plane and he’s got midterms next week.”

Kili slid down in his seat, hands over his face. Fili snickered.

“That’s easily done,” Thorin said. “What kind of computer do you need?”

Kili sighed, hands falling away from his face to rub the back of his neck awkwardly. “I just need something that turns on and let’s me write my papers and do research. A couple hundred. I was looking at one for about two fifty. Anything more than that is unnecessary.”

“The reason those computers are so cheap is because they are garbage,” Thorin said as he pulled out of the airport parking lot. “We’ll get you a proper laptop.”

Kili glanced at Fili with wide eyes, looking panicked. Fili smiled and reached out, grabbing Kili’s hand and squeezing.

“He joked that he needed a tablet and a new phone too,” Fili said.

“Fili,” Kili hissed, squeezing the hand he held as tightly as he could. Fili tried to yank his hand away, grinning at his mortified looking brother.

“That’s actually a really good idea,” Frerin said. “You’re premed, right?”

Kili stared. “What?”

Frerin turned around and smiled at Kili. “You. You’re premed at school right now, right? So, having the good stuff is important. Things that’ll last and that’ll help you with your future career.”

“But,” Kili tried to say, weakly. He looked so lost. Fili reached out, pulling Kili as close as he could with the seatbelts in the way.

“Your future is an investment,” Thorin said. “You’ve been doing enough on your own, let us help you with a tiny bit of it.”

Kili slouched. “Yeah, okay.”

“What do nurses need?” Frerin asked. “I know the type of computers and stuff like that are important.”

Kili shook his head. “I. What exactly are you determined to get me?” he asked warily.

Fili wrapped an arm around Kili’s shoulders. “Exactly what it sounds like. One from each of us.”

“Fili!” Kili protested.

“It is a fine way to look at it,” Thorin said as he drove. “Let’s stop by the phone store first. Which carrier do you have, Kili?”

Kili’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times before he fell to the side and buried his face against Fili’s shoulder. Fili chuckled and pulled Kili’s phone from his brother’s pocket.

“Looks like some prepay,” Fili said, running his hand over Kili’s hair, trying to comfort his brother. He didn’t know why Kili was acting the way he was but he wanted to try and stop it, to help. “Why don’t we put him on our plan?”

Thorin made a considering sound. “Good idea,” he said. “We have a large enough account, one more number will hardly do anything.”

“But!” Kili protested, trying to sit up. Fili, though, kept him close.

“Let us,” Fili said softly. “Please? You don’t need to do everything by yourself.”

Kili nodded and slouched against him, pressing his face against Fili’s neck. Fili chuckled and let Frerin go on and on about how Kili needed the best of the best while Thorin tiredly tried to shut him up. Fili wondered if him and Kili would ever be like that, that relaxed with each other. He glanced down at Kili as he pressed against Fili and smilied a little.

Even if they weren’t, this was fine enough for him.

:::

Kili watched as Fili opened the door to their hotel room and hesitated. “What’s up?” he asked, peering around Fili’s shoulder.

“Looks like there was a mistake with our room,” Fili said. He held the door open and let Kili in to see the problem--there was only one bed. “I’m gonna give uncle a call. You wanna take a shower first?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Kili said, sitting down on the floor and going through the shopping bags. Fili had gotten Kili a new cell phone, a Droid phone with a large and wonderful screen, while Frerin had bought Kili an iPad, and Thorin a new laptop. Everything was top of the line and expensive. The three items together was the price of three classes during a normal semester. It made Kili cringe just to think how much money his family had just dropped on him without a blink of an eye.

Fili was on the phone, standing in front of the bed, talking to Thorin and looking aggravated. Kili tried not to pay any attention to the conversation, fiddling with his new phone and sending a text to Nathan for picture proof that Smaug was being well behaved. Nathan made fun of him but sent him a picture of his furball hiding under Kili’s bed. Kili smiled and set the phone down as he heard FIli curse and hang up.

“What’s up?” Kili asked.

“So, half of it is funny half of it’s not,” Fili said. He tossed the phone on the bed and rubbed the back of his neck. “The funny half is that Thorin apparently didn’t think I was going to be able to get you to come, even if he already bought the tickets. So he booked one room.”

“The not funny part?” Kili asked.

“It’s one room, king size bed because there aren’t any other rooms,” Fili said. “When I told him you were going to come he tried to find you another room and couldn’t. The whole hotel’s booked up because of Thorin’s party and a convention.”

“Oh,” Kili said. “Yeah, that...could be a problem.”

Fili sighed. “So, here’s the choice. If you don’t want to share the room I can go back to the manor.”

Kili shrugged. “It’s fine. I can help you wake up from the nightmares faster this way.”

“Okay. You...wanna shower first or save it for after dinner?” Fili asked.

“Can we...not go?” Kili asked. “It’s a family thing, right? That means Dis is going to be there.”

Fili squatted down on the floor next to Kili and tugged him into a one-armed hug. “You wanna stay up here instead?” he asked. “It’s just the hotel’s place since Frerin and mom are staying here with us. We can have room service sent up and you can work on setting up the laptop and getting some work done?”

Kili nodded. “As great as it was to see Thorin and Frerin, I’m not up to dealing with Dis. Or Thror or Thrain.”

“They’re going to want to see you at some point,” Fili said.

“Yeah, just, just not tonight,” Kili said.

Fili ruffled his hair. “Okay. I’m gonna get changed and head down.”

“I’ll probably be asleep before you get back,” Kili said. “It’s been a long day and I’m exhausted.”

“Don’t forget to eat before you go to sleep, yeah?” Fili teased.

Kili rolled his eyes, digging into his shorts and pulling out a pack of cinnamon gum. “Judging much?”

“Nah, I learned my lesson,” Fili laughed. “Judging, no. Nagging, hell yeah.”

:::

Fili was slammed back into the door to their hotel room as Kili pressed against him, his eyes dark with desire and heavy lidded. Fili licked his lips, breathing Kili in, the unique scent of cinnamon and lemon, watching as his brother stared at him for a long moment. Kili leaned forward, barely brushing their lips together before slowly sliding down Fili’s body to kneel in front of him.

“Fuck,” he whispered, grabbing at the door as Kili deliberately, slowly, unbuttoned Fili’s dress pants and dragged the zipper down one tooth at a time. Their eyes were locked as Kili pushed the dark fabric down his thighs to his knees and leaned in to nuzzled Fili through his trunks. Kili dropped his eyes as he mouthed Fili through the thin cloth, the rounded bulb of his tongue stud rubbing against him as Kili made out the shape of him. “God, fuck, Kili.”

Kili gave a soft hum before tugging Fili’s underwear down, leaving his cock to curve freely toward his stomach. He leaned in, licking at the head of Fili’s cock and the precome already dribbling there, the warm metal nudging the slit of his cock as Kili licked. Fili’s hand gripped the door handle tightly, head falling back to hit the door. Kili chuckled against him, his warm breath brushing against Fili's cock and making him bite his lip.

Kili wrapped a hand around him, slowly jacking him off as he took the head of Fili's cock in his mouth, licking and sucking, working his tongue over the head and right under it, pushing the metal bead of his stud into the slit in his cock and wiggling it just the slightest bit. Fili swore, one hand dropping down to grip Kili's hair as his brother worked him, using the tongue stud to rub at the underside of Fili's cock and lower down along the thick vein in his cock as kili took more and more of him in his mouth. He had never thought his little brother would ever be so good at giving head and he hated the fact that someone else had had the pleasure of Kili's mouth before him. 

Just the idea made his hand tighten into a fist as he pulled Kili's mouth off his cock. Kili looked up at him, mouth red and swollen, saliva still connected from his mouth to Fili's cock.

"I want to fuck you," Fili said, licking his lips.

Kili chuckled and leaned back in, licking along the head of Fili's cock again. "Do you know how good you taste?" He asked, stroking Fili as he sucked on his head, rubbing that damnable, gorgeous stud along his slit again.

"Kili," Fili begged, tugging harder on Kili's hair.

Kili moaned, long and low, around his cock before back with a flush high in his cheeks. "Fee," he whispered. Fili licked his lips and tugged on Kili's hair again, pulling his brother to his feet. Kili went willingly, leaning into Fili so he could feel the echoing hardness in Kili’s baggy shorts. Kili leaned in, kissing Fili carefully, mind of the fistful of hair Fili still had. The echo of stale cinnamon on Kili’s tongue was almost completely smothered by the taste of Fili’s precome. “Fee,” Kili said again, breaking the kiss and nuzzling his jaw. “I want you to fuck me like it’s the last thing you’re ever going to do.”

Fili reached down and pulled Kili’s t-shirt off, tossing it aside as he grabbed his brother around the waist and tossed him onto the bed. Kili bounced with a laugh and laid back on the mattress, watching Fili at an angle.

“So, you gonna strip for me or what?” Kili asked.

Fili crawled onto the bed with him and leaned down, kissing him slowly. “I thought you might want to help with that,” he said, his hands stroking over the defined muscles of Kili’s abdomen. He slid his hands up to run his fingers over the sharp spikes of the tribal sun nipple shields Kili had in. He tugged on them and listened to Kili moan and leaned down to take one in his mouth, using his teeth to work the metal.

Kili pushed at him, pushing Fili down onto the bed and straddling him. “Too many clothes,” he said, grabbing Fili’s shirt and pulling it off. "Far too many clothes when you should be naked."

Fili grinned, leaning up and kissing Kili hungrily as they both worked at getting Fili equally as naked. Kili ground down against him as Fili raised his hands to run along Kili’s sides, his bony ribs, and up to play with his nipples. The tribal sun shields had been swapped out for barbells and looked amazing in their simplicity against Kili’s skin. Kili shivered and there was lube in his hand and he squirted some in his palm and wrapped his hand around Fili’s cock, stroking him and slicking him as Fili continued his assault on Kili’s nipples.

“Fee,” Kili groaned. “C’mon, please, I need you inside me.”

Fili pulled his mouth away and grabbed Kili’s hips. “You want me?” Kili nodded desperately and Fili maneuvered them so that Kili just needed to slide down onto his cock. “Then have me, Kee. I’m yours, for as long as you want me.”

Kili sank down on his cock and leaned forward, kissing Fili as he moaned and took every inch of him.

:::

Kili woke with a soft moan, trying to figure out what was going on and what had woken him. His eyes slitted open and took in his surroundings, recognizing the hotel for what it was. But that wasn’t what had woken him.

Someone was wrapped around him, their hands down his pants and on his cock, a hard cock pressed against his ass as someone rutted against him, moaning his name. Kili struggled slightly to get away but the hand felt too good. Kili closed his eyes and moaned, laying there and letting whatever this was continue to happen. It felt good, the hand on his dick exactly the way he liked it, and the feel of someone else pressed against him like this...it was perfection. Kili gasped and shivered as the hand jacked him off to completion, the person behind him brushing kisses over his neck as they whispered his name over and over again. He lay there panting as the other person in the bed rubbed off against him, coming from the friction and whatever else.

Kili finally got his breathing and rubbery limbs under control and got out of bed, wanting to know who the hell had decided to wake him up in such a confusing and delicious way. He turned on the light, squinting as his eyes burned at the sudden influx of light and froze.

Fili.

Fili, who was still asleep, but looking wrung out and content and still completely asleep.

Kili stared at him, trying to figure out what had just happened. Had Fili just used him because of a good dream? He really couldn’t fault Fili for that, Kili was also something of a heat seeker when he slept...but no. Fili had been saying Kili’s name as he touched him. What the hell did that mean?

Fili groaned, squinting his eyes as he woke up, the light having roused him. “Kee?” he asked, his voice rough. Kili shivered at the sound, trying not to think how sexy Fili sounded that way.

“Have a good dream?” Kili asked as he took a step back.

“Hunh?” Fili asked, pushing himself up into a sitting position. He looked down at his lap, finally noticing that his pants were soaked with come. It would have been funny if the situation wasn’t so serious.

“Why were you saying my name?” Kili asked, taking another step back.

Fili looked panicked, throwing the blankets off and staring at his lap like he’d never seen it before.

“Fili, why were you saying my name?” Kili asked. He didn’t feel right. He could feel the fluttering in the back of his throat and the way his chest started to tighten and tried to push it away but he couldn’t. “You got me off and then got off on me and you kept saying my name.”

“I,” Fili said before stopping, looking up at Kili with such a guilty look that no other words were needed. Kili took another step back and whirled, leaving the room with quick steps and breathing hard, his chest burning.

He found himself in front of the elevators and tried to breathe, tried to get himself under control, and stabbed at the down button, trying not to listen for the sound of their room door opening. He got into the elevator and hit a floor number as he finally heard the door open and Fili call him name in a panicked voice. Kili shook his head, rubbing at his face with one hand, the other shaking horribly.

He got off when the doors opened and beelined for a door, knocking on it frantically. He could feel his breathing picking up to the point of near hyperventilation and closed his eyes, trying to calm down. The door opened after a moment and a sleep tousled blond head poked out into the hall.

“Kili?” Frerin asked, reaching out and pulling Kili into his room. Kili gripped his arm tightly, trying to calm himself down, and Frerin got him into the bathroom, sitting him on the toilet and handing him a glass of water. “Drink, slowly,” he said, kneeling in front of Kili and putting his hands on either side of Kili’s face. “Slow and calm, yeah?”

Kili tried to swallow, bringing the glass to his mouth and taking a slow, shaky sip. He focused on Frerin’s voice and eyes--so like Fili with his blond hair but his eyes were Kili’s eyes--and slowly, minute by minute, Kili got himself under control.

“You okay?” Frerin asked, smoothing a hand over Kili’s head as he stood. Kili nodded, setting the glass aside. “Wanna tell me what happened?”

Kili looked at him and rubbed at his eyes. “I. I don’t know?” he said, his voice wrecked. “Fili. I’m not. He?”

Frerin watched him, waiting patiently, as Kili tried to get the words out.

“I. He...” Kili said, hesitating as he searched for words. What exactly had happened? His brother had had a wet dream about him, about Kili, and had gotten them both off to it. How did he even put that into words? “I. I think Fili likes me?”

Frerin frowned. “Of course he likes you, you’re his brother.”

“No,” Kili said in a small voice, both hands coming up to his face. “Like-likes me. Got off on me likes.”

Frerin stared, eyes widening as he got it, and knelt down in front of Kili. “Hey, Kee, look at me, kiddo,” he said. Kili looked at him, biting his lip. “He was asleep, right?” Kili nodded. “Okay, then maybe it’s not what you think it is. Maybe the PTSD is just, manifesting in something different.”

Kili choked back a laugh, knowing he was inches from being hysterical. “He had his hand on my dick while saying my name and he got off on me. Tell me how that’s PTSD.”

Frerin winced. "Okay, I can't "

Kili shook his head. "I can't do this. I can't. I won't. I've got too much going on right now, I can't deal with this too."

Frerin nodded and stood. "Okay," he said. He went into the bedroom of the hotel room and grabbed his laptop, brining it back into the bathroom with Kili. "I think we could get you on the last red eye out."

Kili bit his lip. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Frerin asked, looking up from where he was buying the tickets. "You're going to have a couple of connector flights but we should get you back to Boston easily enough."

"It was good to see you and Thorin again," Kili offered, trying to smile.

"We'll see each other again," Frerin said. "I'll come harass you for your birthday, how about that?"

Kili nodded and smiled a little. "I'd like that."

"And we'll keep Fili here, okay?" Frerin said. "Let you both figure out what you want to do."

"My stuff is still in the room," Kili said.

Frerin finished buying the tickets and ruffled Kili's hair again before getting to his feet. "I'll go grab your stuff. Why don't you hop in the shower and get clean and relaxed, okay?"

Kili nodded and pulled off his T-shirt as Frerin left. He climbed into the shower once he was naked and started scrubbing himself clean.

:::

Fili jumped at the firm knock on the door and pulled the door open quickly, hope dying just the slightest bit when he saw it was Frerin.

"You are an idiot," Frerin said with a sigh. "You completely freaked him out and he's going back to Boston."

Fili stared. "Wait, what?" he asked, confused.

"Forget it," Frerin said. "Where's Kili's stuff?"

Fili pointed it out, tucking his shaking hands under his arms. "Frerin, I--"

"You're gonna stay here with us," Frerin said. "Best thing for everyone right now. Erebor isn't the best thing for you right now but Dwalin has friends on the force and in private security. We can find something for you to do. We'll find you another therapist from the VA hospital and we'll get your head on straight."

"What did Kili tell you?" Fili asked warily.

"That you attacked him," Frerin said as he made sure all of Kili's belongings, including the new things, were in his bags. "I didn't ask for details. But we need to get you better before you can try fixing things with Kili."  
"I was doing just fine before," Fili said.

"Were you?" Frerin asked. "Were you really okay enough that you think you can go back to trying to fix things with Kili? Cuz, no offense, you just took a major step back with him. Figure yourself out and then deal with Kili. That way you both know what you want from the other."

Fili sat down on the bed and watched as Frerin packed Kili's bags. "Will you tell him I'm sorry?" he asked.

Frerin looked up and nodded. "Of course. I think he's just a little freaked out. Give him some time and I'm sure things will work between you two again."

Fili nodded and watched Frerin leave. He buried his face in his hands and tried not to wish that the first time he touched Kili like he had wasn't because of a dream. What kind of monster did that make him?

:::

Kili sat awkwardly next to Thorin as they waited at the gate for Kili's plane to be called. Frerin had called Thorin since he was the only one currently with a car and would be the best way to get Kili to the airport. The two of them hadn't exchanged a single word the entire drive and now Kili was dying under the silence.

"Things will work out between the two of you," Thorin said quietly.

Kili looked at him, startled that Thorin had been the one to give in first. "Between me and Fili?"

Thorin nodded and gave Kili a tiny smile. "He cares a lot for you and is probably beating himself up over the very thought that he could have hurt you."

Kili scrubbed at his face with his hands. "I'm sorry I wrecked your birthday."

"On the contrary," Thorin said. "You gave me the greatest gift of all, the chance to see you again."

Kili stared at him, blinking in shock. "What?"

"You've turned into a wonderful young man, Kili," Thorin said. "Despite a very rough start and several obstacles, you've made your own way in the world and you've figured out who you are faster than most people your age."

"I'm the family fuck up," Kili said, his throat feeling tight. "You said so yourself."

Thorin snorted, "Yes, we'll, you had just blown up a chemistry lab."

"I got bored," Kili said softly.

Thorin chuckled. "You are a very intelligent person, and I think we all realized exactly how intelligent when you managed to make thermite and set the football field on fire at the second school and then manage to make an explosive Molotov cocktail in your third school. Destructive but brilliant."

Kili flushed slightly under the praise, not sure what to say.

"I'm glad I got to spend some time with you, even if it wasn't as long as I would have liked," Thorin said. "We should arrange some time over the summer where either you come to us or we come to you."

"I take classes during the summer," Kili said awkwardly.

Thorin nodded, stroking his beard. "We will figure something out."

Kili nodded and jumped slightly when his flight was called. He and Thorin both stood and Kili merged softly as Thorin pulled him into a tight hug. Kili hesitated for the barest moment before wrapping his arms around Thorin as well and burying his face against his uncle's shoulder. Kili was just an inch or so taller than Thorin, something that threw him for a loop because all his life Thorin had been this unmovable mountain of a man, large enough to hold Kili easily against him to chase away the nightmares after their father had died. Kili bit his lip, trying not to cry. He shouldn't be this emotional about a simple hug from his uncle. When they pulled away, though, Thorin's eyes were just the barest bit damp and he gave Kili a proud smile.

"Call us when you get to Boston, all right?" Thorin said. "We'd like to know that you're safely home."

Kili nodded slowly, his nose itching. "Yeah okay. Thanks, for...for everything."

Thorin smiled and gave Kili one last hug before Kili had to bolt for the plane. Kili settled into his seat and sniffed, tears finally winning out over his will and falling into his lap as he hunched over and let himself cry.


	9. Chapter 9

Four months later...

Fili was just getting off shift, pulling his bulletproof vest off and wiping at his face with a towel. He hated bank robberies. They were ridiculous and this one had had a bomb, which had instantly become Fili's problem. He was too good with explosives not to be the one who inevitably had to deal with all these crazy idiots who thought a bomb instantly would give them whatever they wanted.

Morons.

Fili glanced at the calendar in his locker and touched the date. July 16th. Kili's birthday. He had sent a present with Thorin and Frerin a week ago when they had gone to see Kili but the two had refused to say anything on the subject. Frerin, though, had given Fili a wink when he'd asked which was a poor way to reassure him but he would take what he could get. Aside from a text the next morning saying he'd landed safely and was home Fili hadn't heard a word from Kili. It killed him, but Fili gave him his space.

Fili, in the meantime, had gotten his head on straight and done what could be done to manage his PTSD. He no longer had so many nightmares about his unit, but he did still have dreams of Kili. Not all of them were sexual, in fact most of them weren't. Most of them were sweet little dreams of joking in the kitchen, jostling each other while watching movies, insanely mundane things that were instantly made better by simply having Kili with him. He hated himself for the dreams because it had been their fault in the first place. If he hadn't had that dream, if he hadn't... It was no use wishing. Kili had no use for him in his life and Fili already knew that.

Fili pulled his T-shirt off with the intent of going to take a shower when his cell phone rang. He stared at the screen, not believing the words on the screen.

Kili.

Fili picked up his phone. "Hello?"

"Fee?" Kili asked, sounding both scared and resigned.

"Kili, are you okay?" Fili asked, sitting down on the bench.

"No," Kili said with a tight laugh. "Look, I know you're probably still in California but can you come get me?"

"Come...get you?" Fili asked.

"Yeah," Kili said. "I, uh, I've been arrested."

"What?" Fili asked, glad he was sitting.

There was the sound of shouting, Kili having an argument with someone else in the background and a sigh. "I'm being held at the Boston precinct downtown on Winter. I've got a five thousand dollar bail."

Fili rubbed his face. "What happened?"

"Shit, I gotta go," Kili sighed. "Please, Fili, I need your help. Please say you'll come get me."

"Of course," Fili said. "Of course I'll help you."

The call was disconnected and Fili stared at it. He had no idea what was going on but he wasn't sure he liked it. He changed out of his uniform while he called Thorin. If Kili was in some soft of legal trouble, well, it wasn't like EI didn't have enough lawyers to settle the issue.

"What can I help you with?" Thorin asked as he answered the phone.

"Kili just called me," Fili said as he unlaced his boots and pulled them off. "He got himself arrested."

There was silence on the other end of the line and then a sigh. "I'll call you back." 

Fili set the phone down and changed into his plain clothes. He was tying his sneakers when his phone rang again. "What'd you find?" Fili asked.

"Drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest, and indecent exposure," Thorin said. "I'm going to have you take the jet and get to Boston with one of the family lawyers. They'll get the charges dismissed and pay the bail."

"And me?" Fili asked, running a hand through his longer hair. It was in desperate need of a haircut, something he'd been dragging his heels on. 

"You are going to pack a bag for a week and figure yourselves out," Thorin said with a hint of steel in his voice. "I don't know what happened between the two of you--I don't want to know--but you need to fix it. Kili cannot afford to screw up his life again because of you, Fili."

Fili flinched, suddenly very glad Thorin wasn't in front of him. "Yes, Uncle Thorin," Fili said.

:::

Kili sat in the jail cell, trying to ignore Nathan who was sitting across from him.

"Lee," Nathan tried again. "Would you look at me?"

Kili twisted, lying down on the bench, hands under his head. He was pissed. There was absolutely nothing better he wanted to do then spend his twenty-second birthday in jail because his idiot boyfriend had decided to get him drunk and horny and then try to fuck him in an alley. Then, when they'd gotten caught--Kili with his pants literally down--Nathan had decided to argue with the officers. And Kili had tried telling Nathan off...only it had escalated into him yelling at Nathan and then at the cops when they had tried to break it up. And now they were sitting here, in jail, waiting. 

Kili had had to call Fili.

"Look, I know you're mad," Nathan tried.

"Mad?" Kili asked, scowling at the top if the cell. "Mad? Why on earth would I be mad, Nate? You got me drunk and tried to take advantage of me. On my birthday of all days."

"You make it sound like I was going to rape you," Nathan said, sounding hurt.

Kili felt his stomach clench. That...that sounded a little too right to him. Nathan had stopped being so laid back about Kili not wanting to have actual sex and started getting irritated with him. He'd been pushing for the past two weeks, each time trying to push Kili into giving in, and each time Kili had stopped him and left the room. There'd been angry arguments through doors and ducked phone calls and everything. It had stopped being fun and relaxing and started being a constant source of anxiety.

It wasn't something Kili needed in his life, especially after the past few months. Kili had bombed all but one of his midterms and then spent the rest of the semester messing up all over the place. He had passed most of his classes by the skin of his teeth and as much extra credit work as he could possibly do. It helped that his professors wee sympathetic and they saw that he was at his wit's end. His advisor had refused to let him take summer courses, telling him he needed a break, and from his abysmal performance at the end of the semester he really needed the break. Everyone thought he had finally burned himself out and Kili was thinking maybe they weren't too far off from the truth.

"Lee," Nathan tried again.

"I'm sick of this, okay? I'm sick of dealing with the pressure. I don't want to have sex, okay? But you keep forcing the damned issue. D you know how much that sucks?" Kili asked.

"And yet you have had absolutely no problem with women and screwing them on the first date," Nathan shot back.

"It's different, okay?" Kili said, not looking at Nathan.

"How is it different?" Nathan demanded.

"Kili Haegan," a cop said as he stopped in front of their cell. "You're brother's here for you."

Kili got up off the bench he was lying on and left the cell once the door was opened. He didn't turn around when Nathan shouted his name again. He was done with this bullshit, done with Nathan. He shoved his hands in his jacket's pockets and followed the cop out to collect his cell and wallet and all the other junk he had had on him at the time. Fili was waiting with some guy in a suit that screamed lawyer. Kili was escorted around the barred gate and tried to smile for Fili.

"Hey," he said awkwardly.

Fili stepped forward, pulling Kili into a tight hug but letting him go almost too fast. "C'mon, let's get you home."

Kili nodded and looked at the lawyer, hesitating slightly.

"Mr Durin hired me to represent you," the lawyer said smoothly. "All charges have been dropped and you are free to go."

Kili bit his lip, trying not to feel the burn of shame. Of course Fili told Thorin, and of course Thorin would make it go away. Different last name or not, Kili was still a Durin and what he did came back to reflect on his estranged family whether he liked it or not. Fili tugged Kili forward and they left the police station.

"I'll take the jet back to San Francisco," the lawyer said. "The rental is in your uncle's name and on the company card. Keep it as long as you need."

"Jet?" Kili asked faintly.

Fili nodded, "Thanks for the help."

The lawyer nodded and, as they walked to the parking garage, the lawyer hailed a cab and left. Fili dug the keys out of his pocket and walked over to a nice blue Audi. It was heads and tails better than Kili's beat up Kia and Kili hesitated before crawling into the passenger seat. Fili sat in the driver's seat and fiddled with the keys.

"Thorin told me to stay with you and work things out between us," Fili said.

Kili closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. "Okay," he said softly. "It's...I've missed you."

Fili glanced at him and Kili looked out the window, avoiding his brother's eyes. Fili put the keys in the ignition and turned it on, pulling out of the garage and driving back to Kili's.

:::

Fili wandered around the apartment the next morning, taking in the state of things. It was far more cluttered and the kitchen was a disaster, full of dirty dishes and pans, and the fridge was empty. Kili had, quite clearly, not been taking care of himself. He glanced at the clock with a frown; it was eleven am and Kili still wasn’t up. 

He rolled up his sleeves and turned the sink of and started cleaning what he could. He finished the dishes that he could and started cleaning the counters and stove. He went through the fridge, throwing out anything expired or on the verge of expiring, and checked the freezer. There was still a lot of food in there that Kili could use to make food. Fili pulled a few things out and threw them in the fridge to defrost.

Still no Kili.

Fili went into the bathroom and started cleaning in there, anything to give him something to do while he waited for Kili to wake up. 

By the time Kili came out of his bedroom, Smaug trailing after him and mewling angrily, it was one in the afternoon. Kili ignored Smaug, and Fili, and went to the bathroom and turned the shower on. Smaug sat down on the floor next to Fili and meowed pitifully at him.

“Don’t look at me,” Fili said.

Fili waited until Kili got out of the shower and followed him into his room, not letting him close the door. Kili shot him an annoyed look and grabbed a pair of boxers and pulled them on, sitting down on the bed and towel drying his hair.

“What happened last night?” Fili asked, figuring that might be a safe topic.

“Why?” Kili asked as he continued drying his hair.

“Indecent exposure, drunk and disorderly, resisting arrest? You’re better than that. That might have been you once before but not anymore,” Fili said.

Kili froze, slowly pulling the towel from his hair and looking at Fili. “You don’t get to say that,” he said. “You came back into my life and spent two months with me. You think two months is enough to know me again?”

“Yeah, I do,” Fili said. “Two months is long enough to see what you go through and admire you for everything you do.”

“And apparently lust after me,” Kili shot back.

Fili swallowed and crossed his arms over his chest, leaning against the door frame. “What happened?”

Kili looked down at the towel in his hand. “Why should I tell you?”

“You used to talk to me before,” Fili said.

“That’s because I didn’t think you were hiding things from me,” Kili said.

“I wasn’t,” Fili said.

“How long?” Kili asked, his hands clenching in the towel as he glared at Fili.

Fili shifted uncomfortably. “Kili...”

“How long!” Kili demanded, standing up and dropping the towel on the floor.

Fili let out a slow breath. “If I tell you can we move past this?”

“Move past what?” Kili asked. “The fact that my brother wants to fuck me?”

“It’s not like that,” Fili said, taking a step toward Kili.

“No? So I was just imagining your hand on my dick? The fact you got off on me?” Kili asked, taking a quick step back.

Fili hesitated, ready to deny everything, but something about the way Kili was looking at him stopped him. He took another step forward, watching Kili’s face closely, seeing the way panic fluttered across his face as he took another step back and almost fell on the bed. Fili closed the distance between them while Kili tried to stand and regain his balance. Fili reached out, his hands curling around Kili’s elbows and helping him stay on his feet, and looked at him, searching for some sort of sign. He didn’t know what he was looking for but...but he found something, something that he didn’t know the name for.

Fili let go of Kili’s elbows and wrapped a hand around the back of his brother’s neck, pulling him into a kiss. Kili went still against him and Fili went to pull back when Kili made a tiny, broken sound and started kissing him back. Fili kept the kiss as light and easy as possible, not wanting to make it a big deal, not wanting to push Kili, but Kili raised his hands and buried them in Fili’s hair, body molding against him as they kissed. There was a desperation there as Fili licked against Kili’s lips and his brother opened his mouth, their tongues touching and sliding against each other. They kept kissing, bodies molding easily to each other, hands grasping desperately at each other. Kili pulled away to take a breath and Fili tilted his head, brushing kisses and light nibbles along Kili’s stubbled jaw. Kili tilted his head back, letting Fili move his kisses down his throat, tasting Kili’s skin and the clean taste of him and sweat. 

“Fili,” Kili whispered, voice sounding strangled and wrecked. 

Fili pulled away from Kili’s neck, loving the way his name sounded on Kili’s lips right then, and pulled him in for another kiss. Kili moaned softly as they continued to kiss, taking a step back and pulling Fili with him as they fell onto the bed. Fili hovered over him, kissing Kili and giving into his wordless demands for more as they kissed. 

He had no idea for how long they kissed for, having kept it to strictly kissing though Kili had one hand on Fili’s hip and another clenched tightly in his shirt. There was heat and need and both of them were hard when Fili pulled away from Kili’s mouth, breathing against his shoulder.

“How long?” Kili asked again, one hand coming up to run through Fili’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp.

“Couple weeks after I got here,” Fili admitted, nuzzling the sweaty skin under his head. “You?”

Kili was silent for a moment and then let out a sigh. “I don’t know.”

Fili kissed Kili’s bare shoulder, marveling at the tan Kili had and the slight amount of freckles there. “It’s not because you’re my brother,” Fili said, moving his head and kissing his neck. “It’s because you’re Kili and just...everything, amazing, strong...”

Kili squirmed under Fili, bringing them face to face again, and shut him up with another kiss.

:::

“You gonna tell me what happened?” Fili asked as he made sandwiches for them later.

Kili groaned and took a sip of his beer. “Nathan’s a dick,” he said.

“Yeah, I kind of got that,” Fili said, setting the plate down in front of Kili and sitting down with his own.

“Did you seriously just make me peanut butter and jelly?” Kili asked as he poked his sandwich.

Fili grinned and took a bite of his own. “So why’s Nathan a dick?”

Kili took another sip of beer before he took a bite of the sandwich, clearly stalling for time. Fili let him, trying to be patient. “All right,” Kili said with a sigh, setting his sandwich down. “Which would you like to know first?”

“Why don’t you start at the beginning?” Fili suggested.

Kili toyed with his beer bottle. “A bunch of us went to Kings to celebrate my birthday. Nathan kept plying me with drinks and eventually we left cuz I wanted fresh air. And we ended up in an alley with Nathan doing his best to get in my pants. Actually got me halfway out of my pants when the cops showed up.”

Fili took a long drink of his own beer, trying not to get upset. “So that’s the indecent exposure.”

“Yeah, then came the drunk and disorderly because I was pissed at Nathan, pissed at the cops, just generally pissed off, and tried to walk away. I was obviously drunk and I was cursing up a storm and might have tried to take a swing at Nathan.”

“Resisting arrest?” Fili asked.

Kili snorted and picked up his sandwich with a smile. “What do you think?”

Fili laughed, leaning back in his chair. “Why didn’t Nathan just drag you into the bathroom if he wanted to screw you?”

“Cuz he hasn’t,” Kili said. “Maybe I always knew something was off or whatever but I never had sex with him. Well. Not actual sex. Like.” Kili waved his hand around, a flush sitting along his cheekbones. He promptly took a huge bite of his sandwich and chewed slowly.

Fili bit his lip, trying not to smile but then he realized what Kili wasn’t saying. “Wait a second,” FIli said. “You haven’t had sex with him?” Kili shook his head, still chewing. “And he was trying to have sex with you in the alley after he got you drunk?” Kili reached for his beer and Fili snagged his hand. “Kili.”

“I know,” Kili said with a sigh. “I know. I’m done with him.”

“What he tried, that’s unforgivable,” Fili said. “You could press charges.”

“Could,” Kili agreed, “but won’t. I mean, I was dating him for six months? And we did pretty much anything but full on sex.”

Fili bit back a smile. “You know, I kind of want to hear this and I kind of really don’t.”

“Why?” Kili asked, leaning back in his chair. “If we’re actually, you know, doing this? It’s not like I’m gonna let you fuck me anytime soon either. I’ve got some standards.”

“That’s fine,” Fili said. “I’d rather get to know you that way anyway.”

Kili frowned. “Get to know me?”

“You keep telling me I don’t know you, and I don’t. Sure, I’ve lived with you for two months but that’s not worth a lot in the long term. I want to know everything you’ll let me know,” Fili said. “Forget being brothers, that’s...that’s always going to be an issue between us. I want to know you as a person.”

Kili stared at him. “I kind of want to kiss you right now,” he said.

Fili smiled. “Eat your sandwich, dork.”

:::

Fili’s phone rang as he climbed out of the shower. He wasn’t surprised to see it was from Thorin and sighed slightly before picking it up.

“Hi,” he said, sitting down on the toilet in his towel.

“I saw the police report,” Thorin said.

“How detailed was it?” Fili asked.

“Enough that I’m asking the lawyers to see if they can press charges on behalf of Kili,” Thorin said.

“You know that’s not going to work,” Fili said with a smile.

“Then convince him he needs to.”

Kili peeked into the bathroom, Smaug racing in after him and jumping in the tub to roll around in the water left there and lick at the dripping faucet.

“I’m not going to tell Kili what to do,” Fili said. “If he wants to press charges he will. If he doesn’t then he won’t.” Kili shook his head. “And he doesn’t want to.”

“Is he at least going to distance himself from that man?” Thorin asked.

Fili glanced at Kili. “Yeah, I think it’s pretty safe to say he won’t see Nathan again.”

 

“Good,” Thorin said. “And have the two of you made progress?”

Kili smiled and hopped up to sit on the sink counter, watching Fili with a predatory look.

“I, uh. Yeah. I think we’ve worked things out,” Fili said, watching as Kili used his bare toes to try and free Fili from his towel.

“I’ll email you different positions you would be good at in Boston,” Thorin said. “Since I’m assuming you don’t want to work in EI right now.”

Fili tried to keep his towel on, freeing his hand from the phone and keeping it between his ear and shoulder as he grabby the terrycloth and eyed Kili. “Maybe working in EI wouldn’t be a bad thing right now. I’m not ready to do what you want me to but learning some things wouldn’t be bad. And the Boston offices are a lot more laid back.”

“Where would you prefer to start?” Thorin asked.

Fili grabbed Kili’s foot as he reached out to press his foot against Fili’s crotch. Kili, he was quickly learning, was a goddamned tease. And, apparently, took extreme delight in harassing him. They were going to take this slow, Fili was determined to make sure of that, but it seemed like Kili had his own ideas. He was going to get some rules out of the little minx...as soon as he got off the phone.

“Anywhere but PR and marketing,” Fili said. “Those are mom’s domains and I’m not sure I want to deal with her as my boss.”

Thorin made a soft, considering noise as Fili got off the toilet and stood, narrowing his eyes at Kili. “What about HR?” Thorin asked.

Fili blinked, temporarily forgetting about Kili. “That...actually could work.”

“I’ll contact the Boston offices and let them know,” Thorin said. 

“Thanks,” Fili said. “Uhm, I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you back later, yeah?”

They exchanged polite farewells and Fili hung up the phone, only to reach out and grab Kili and pull him against his body.

“You are, surprisingly, a little shit,” Fili said.

Kili grinned and tugged on FIli’s towel again. “You know what we should do?” he asked.

“What?” Fili asked. “Aside from let me get dressed.”

Kili smiled, nuzzling at Fili’s damp hair. “I think we should put Netflix on and make out of the couch. You’re a good kisser.”

“Ah, I see, you only want me for my mouth,” Fili said.

Kili grinned wickedly and licked the arch of Fili’s ear, the tongue stud rubbing against the thing skin there. “You could use my mouth.”

Fili shuddered. “I. That’s not slow.”

Kili kissed Fili gently. “We are going slow. Sex later, but for now...let me make you feel good.”


	10. Chapter 10

22 months later...

“C’mon, pose for the camera!” Frerin said as he chased Kili with a digital camera.

“Oh my god, what is wrong with you?” Kili asked, laughing. He had a hand in front of his face and was shaking his head. “How am I related to you?”

“By magic!” Frerin said cheerfully, giving up on taking a picture and grabbing Kili in a big hug. He ignored the squeak Kili gave as he lifted his nephew off his feet.

“You’re a freak! FILI! Get over here and save me!” Kili said.

“Nah, you’re doing fine,” Fili said, toasting Kili with his beer.

“It was good to see him graduate,” Thorin said, watching as Kili and Frerin wrestled with each other.

They were all standing in the backyard of Kili’s apartment with a cooler of beer and a grill, making food and laughing together. They had spent the entire day at the univeristy, watching Kili graduate with honors and a degree in nursing. People had been coming up all day to congratulate Kili, all of his friends and teachers, and now that they were finally free, they were celebrating. Thorin was manning the grill while Frerin chased Kili with the camera, laughing and wanting to document everything for the future--and also torment Kili with the pictures whenever he felt like it.

“I know,” Fili said, sitting at the picnic table he had built after officially moving in with Kili. The backyard had been something he’d tackled, wanting it to be more...welcoming than just a slab of uneven asphalt and a large chainlink fence. He’d gotten plants and turned it into something more homey with a little garden and a box of dirt that Kili used to grow vegetables. It wasn’t the best place in the world, but it was theirs. “I don’t think he expected as many people to come fuss over him as they did.”

Thorin chuckled, opening the grill and flipping the burgers with ease. “He earned it.”

“I saw all the presents that you piled into the kitchen,” Fili said. “Who sent stuff?”

“Most of the family,” Thorin said. “Dwalin said he was going to try and stop by when he finished whatever it was grandfather sent him to do. And I know some others had planned on Skyping Kili when they got a chance.”

Kili sat down next to Fili and stole his beer, taking a deep drink and giving it back, half-empty. Fili rolled his eyes and ruffled Kili’s hair. “What’re you two talking about?” Kili asked.

“Family stuff,” Fili said. “Apparently people are going to attack you via Skype.”

“Good to know I should avoid it,” Kili laughed.

“Where’d Frerin get to?” Thorin asked, glancing around the small backyard.

Kili waved his hand, “Putting the camera away. He said he’d grab the potato salad and stuff.”

Thorin nodded and went back to the grill, examining the burgers and plating them. He passed the plate to Fili and threw on some hot dogs and sausages and a few more burgers. Kili started making up his burger, grabbing a bun and a leaf of lettuce. Fili grinned and started his own, dumping onions, tomatoes, and peppers all over it. Kili made a face as he reached for the mayo, slathering some on his bun and fighting Fili for the mustard.

Thorin just shook his head, sitting down with his own food and passing out new beers to everyone. “Do you know what you’re going to look to be certified in?” he asked Kili.

“Probably emergency care,” Kili said. “If not that then I was thinking trauma. But, well, I like emergency care because I could work as an EMT and be a first responder. I have to work two years in emergency care first and then I can get licensed as one. I know a couple of people at Mass General so I’ll probably see if I can get in there.”

“It’s good you have a plan,” Thorin said, scooting down the bench as Frerin sat down and placed two containers down on the table, one of potato salad and one of cole slaw. “Better than this one over here.”

“I have a plan,” Frering said, handing Kili an envelope. “I work PR until you’re moved to president and then you make me your VP and I get to spend the rest of my days doing absolutely nothing.”

“Which is why Fili is going to be VP,” Thorin retorted. “You’re just hopeless.”

“Fili is very happy as SWAT, thank you,” Fili said. He’d spent seven months in Human Resources before finding an opening with the Boston Police Department as SWAT and immediately jumped at the opportunity. The army had given him the itch to be in the action. He wasn’t a desk person.

“Eventually you will be VP,” Thorin said. “EI has to stay in the family. You know this.”

Fili took a big bite of his burger, ignoring Thorin while Kili laughed at them. He turned to the envelope in his hand and opened it. It was a simple graduation card, nothing fancy, and he opened the card and then promptly closed it and ripped it in half.

“Kili!” Frerin protested.

“No,” Kili said as he dropped the card to the table.

“She’s trying,” Frerin said.

“No she’s not,” Kili shot back. “She probably got her secretary, or you, to pick it out and had someone else sign it from her. She doesn’t give a shit about me.”

Fili picked up half of the card and looked at the signature. “No, that’s her writing.”

Kili shook his head. “No.”

“It is your right to ignore her,” Thorin said.

Kili grabbed his beer and got up from the table, pulling out a cigarette and walking down the driveway to the front of the house. They watched him go in silence, Thorin getting up to check the grill while Frerin poked at his burger. He plated the rest of the food and turned the grill off.

“Is it so bad to want everyone to be happy?” Frerin asked.

“No,” Fili said. “But... Look, Kili’s still trying to acclimate himself to the rest of the family suddenly butting into his life and fawning over him. Dealing with mom is gonna take some time.”

“She’s trying,” Frerin said as he started to eat.

“You’re badgering her about it every time you see her,” Thorin said. “Of course she’s trying, if just to shut you up.”

“I wouldn’t mention that to Kili,” Fili said. “So, are we doing presents or we just going ignore the truly ridiculous pile of stuff in the kitchen?”

Thorin snorted, “The two of you can sort through that stuff later.”

Fili smiled. "Yeah we can. When do the two of you leave?"

"What, you wanna get rid of us already?" Frerin demanded, doing his best to look like a wounded puppy. Thorin elbowed him in the side and rolled his eyes and started eating his hot dog. “We’ve only been here a week!”

“A week is too long,” Fili said with a grin. “It’d be nice to have things get back to normal around here.”

“Did you manage to convince Kili to take some time off and enjoy his accomplishment?” Thorin asked.

Fili nodded, taking a bite of his burger and chewing before reaching for his beer. “I told him to pick something he’s always wanted to do.”

“What’d he pick?” Frerin asked.

“A cruise,” Fili said, grinning. “Two weeks in the Mediterranean.”

“Hey, that’s a really good idea,” Frerin said. “Maybe I’ll do that next time I have a vacation.”

“You don’t get a vacation unless you actually do some work,” Thorin said, ducking when Frerin threw a napkin at his head. “I have some other things for Kili that would be best if they came from you.”

Fili frowned. “Like what?”

“Part of his birthright,” Thorin said. He dug in his back pocket and brought out a bank book. “I’ve also arranged for his student loans to be paid for. I know he won’t appreciate it which is why I’m not going to say anything.”

“Yeah, I’m not going to mention that,” Fili said as he took the bank book. He flipped it open and gave a low whistle. Thorin had invested Kili’s money and it had done very well. Fili put it in his pocket, an eyebrow arched at Thorin.

Thorin finished his hot dog neatly. “Grandfather would like to see Kili when the two of you have a chance to come back out to California. Father would too but he can wait.”

Fili nodded, trying very hard not to mention that Thorin and Kili were extraordinarily similar in many ways. Frerin caught his eye and grinned, obviously thinking the same. Silence fell as Fili and Frerin continued to eat their burgers and Thorin selected another hot dog. Kili came back into the backyard after another couple of minutes, talking to a short and pudgy man dressed very dapperly with curly blond-brown hair and a kind smile.

“Professor, this is my family. Uh, Fili is my brother and these are my uncles Frerin and Thorin,” Kili said, pointing to each one in turn. “This is one of my professors, Bilbo Baggins.”

“Have a seat,” Fili said, gesturing at one of the lawn chairs. “We’ve got beer and burgers.”

“What’d you teach?” Frerin asked.

Kili sat down next to Fili as Bilbo pulled up a chair and accepted a plate and a bottle of beer. Thorin, however, was watching the new addition with curiosity. Bilbo let Frerin pile the plate with a burger, hot dog, sausage, potato salad, and coleslaw. Bilbo was laughing and holding the plate steady, encouraging Frerin to give him more.

“I teach philosophy,” Bilbo said. “I had the pleasure of teaching Kili for five classes.”

Kili flushed and ducked his head, snagging his beer and taking a healthy sip. “Your classes were more interesting than a lot of the others.”

“I was the one who got him to turn his minor into a major,” Bilbo said with a fond look at Kili.

“Which is why you were my advisor for that part of things,” Kili said, edging closer to Fili. Fili was trying not to smile too widely, poking Kili in the side.

“It’s nice to see you taking such an interest in your students, Mr Baggins,” Thorin said.

“It is very rare that there are those that deserve such an interest,” Bilbo said. “Most of the time they’re little shits who do the barest amount of work and think taking a philosophy course will be an easy A.”

Kili snorted. “Your classes were some of the hardest I’ve ever taken.”

“Because I demand you use what’s between your ears,” Bilbo said primly as he began to devour the food on his plate.

Kili laughed and picked his burger up, finishing it with a healthy appetite. There was an easy air about the lot of them, Frerin asking Bilbo curious questions as Kili leaned into Fili while Thorin watched the professor with an intensity that Fili had rarely seen his uncle express in anyone. The five of them relaxed after the food was all gone, talking until the beer had run out. Frerin had called them a cab, not feeling all that inclined to drive, draping himself over Kili and hugging him through the majority of the night, having displaced Fili. Thorin and Bilbo were engaging in a philosophical debate when the cab arrived, the two of them arguing with raised voices.

Frerin laughed. “Oh wow, looks like my big bro finally found someone who can put him in his place!”

Kili stared at Frerin and then looked at his professor and Thorin. “Oh no way,” Kili said.

“Yes way,” Frerin said, grinning in a way that Fili could see why Thorin often smacked Frerin around.

“Wait, what?” Fili asked.

“I think uncle is digging my prof,” Kili said, watching as Bilbo and Thorin walked toward the cab, still arguing.

“If they hook up, I will owe you some serious favors,” Frerin said.

“Thorin’s not gay,” Fili said, staring at Frerin and Kili.

“No more than I am,” Kili agreed.

“Eh, more like Thorin gets off--”

“Oh god, stop right there,” Fili begged.

Frerin grinned and grabbed Kili, giving him a bone-crushing hug, lifting him clear off his feet before let him go. “We’re all really proud of you, kid.”

Kili gave him a smile, ducking his head a little. “Thanks,” he said quietly.

“You need to come spend some time with us this summer,” Frerin said. “Before you get sucked into the neverending world of work and blood and bodily fluids.”

Kili wrinkled his nose. “Thanks for that pleasant image, asshole.”

Frerin cackled and heard the cab honk its horn. “All right, I gotta go before they leave me here. We’re gonna be here for most of tomorrow and then we’ve gotta get back home. Lunch?”

“Lunch is good,” Fili said. He watched as Frerin waved and ran for the cab. “Want me to clean up out here?” he asked Kili.

Kili glanced at the mess on the table. “It’s not much. We can just toss it all in the trash out here. And then we can crash.”

“Crash?” Fili asked, pulling out his cell and glancing at the time. “It’s only eight.”

Kili smiled and leaned in, kissing Fili quickly. “Yeah, but I’ve got plans.”

“Plans?” Fili asked, reaching out and snagging Kili by his belt loops. He pulled him in close and kissed Kili. “What kind of plans?”

“Well, first we need to clean up out here,” Kili said. "And then I'll tell you."

"Why don't you tell me now?" Fili asked, moving his hands to Kili's ass. 

"That'd ruin the surprise," Kili said, trying not to smile and failing horribly as his lips twitched.

"I hate surprises," Fili said.

Kili opened his mouth before shutting it and frowning slightly before leaning in to kiss Fili again. "I... I want to have sex with you," he said softly.

"We have sex all the time," Fili said, brushing a thumb over Kili's cheekbone.

"Yeah, no, we really don't," Kili said with a tiny smile. "We have everything but sex."

Fili stared at Kili, not sure if... Kili couldn't be saying what he thought he was. "Sex as in...?"

Kili laughed, his head falling to Fili's shoulder. "Someone once told me that if you couldn't say it with a straight face that you don't deserve to have it."

"It being?" Fili asked, grinning as he kissed Kili's head.

"I want you to fuck me," Kili said, turning his head to kiss Fili's neck.

Fili let out a deep breathe. "Okay." He glanced around the backyard, a hand on Kili's waist as he tried to think of anything but what Kili had just told him. "So, lets dump these plates in the trash and the bottles can stay out here until tomorrow. We need to stock up on beer again so, might as well leave them out."

Kili nuzzled lazily at Fili and he could feel Kili's smile against his skin.

"Okay. You, go take a shower," Fili said, taking a step away from Kili.

"Why?" Kili asked, his head tilted to the side.

Fili licked his lips. "If we're seriously doing this then I'm doing it right."

"It's not like there's a wrong way to do it," Kili said.

"Indulge me," Fili said.

"You are so weird," Kili said with a shake of his head and went inside. 

Fili took a deep breath and let it go in one big whoosh. Holy shit. He hadn't expected this to be happening...no, that was a lie. He and Kili had been together, in one form or another, for a little under two years and they hadn't had sex--not actual sex, not penetrative sex--yet. This wasn't a bad thing. They'd spent the past two years learning each other's bodies and moods, learning what made each other tick and what would result in a shouting match. There wasn't a lot they hadn't tried, Kili having decided during a snow storm to use his shiny new iPad to look up all the different sexual acts they could possibly commit with each other. They knew what did, and what didn't, work for them. Fili knew how to make Kili fall apart under his hands and mouth in minutes and knew exactly what to do to draw everything out to almost unbearable levels.

And now, the night of Kili's graduation, they were going to actually have sex. 

Part of Fili had to wonder exactly how long the little shit had been planning this. Kili had a flair for the dramatic and a mischievous streak a mile wide and had probably loved the symmetry of things ending and beginning, of graduating from one thing into the next. There were too many parallels for this entire thing.

But fuck all if he was going to tell Kili no.

Fili cleared up the backyard, his mind still whirling with what exactly he was going to be doing with Kili, and reached down to adjust himself. He was already hard just from the thought of sex with Kili and he knew that if this was going to be any sort of satisfying that they would both need to come first. He already knew what he was going to do first, something that drove Kili wild... Fili shook his head, trying to stop thinking so much, and looked around. It was as clean as it was going to get. Tomorrow they'd get rid of the empty beer bottles and clean the grill. 

He walked up the rotting wooden steps into the apartment, making a note that at some point this summer he should knock those down and rebuild them since Kili's landlord was a lazy, good for nothing asshat. He heard the water shut off as he came into the apartment, closing and locking the door behind him. Kili came out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel, his long hair clinging to his shoulders, neck, and chest. 

“What?” Kili asked, gathering his hair in one fist, pulling it off his body and letting it slap wetly against his back.

“You’re gorgeous,” Fili said, stepping forward and tugging Kili in for a kiss. “Completely gorgeous.”

Kili rolled his eyes at Fili but there was a tiny curl to his lips that spoke of appreciation and satisfaction. Fili nudged Kili in the direction of the bedrooms while Smaug darted forward and tried to climb Kili by the towel. Fili reached down and scooped up the troublemaker while Kili laughed. Smaug tried to bite Fili’s thumb and Fili responded by scruffing the tiny creature.

“You have an entire room to yourself, demon,” Fili said, striding forward and nudging the door to his old room open wider. His bed was still in there, neatly made just in case anyone decided to drop by. Smaug had made a little nest in the middle, somehow managing to get a couple of Fili and Kili’s clothes on the bed and Fili dropped him there. “You stay here. Kili and I have some stuff to do that you are definitely not going to be apart of.”

Smaug hissed at him, fur standing on end while Fili rolled his eyes and left the room. Kili was already in their room, sitting on the bed and towel drying his hair. Fili closed the door behind him to make sure Smaug didn’t try and jump in the middle of the action. Kili grinned at him, letting the towel fall to the ground. Fili pulled his t-shirt off and let it drop before walking over to Kili, reaching down and tipping Kili’s head back as he kissed him. Kili reached up, his fingers sliding into Fili’s short blond hair, keeping the kiss lazy and comfortable.

“I’m completely at your mercy,” Kili said against Fili’s lips. “What do you wanna do with me?”

“First I wanna make you beg,” Fili said, reaching down and drifting his hand over the creepiest tattoo he’d ever seen. Kili had one that looked like his thigh had been scrimshawed. It was beautiful but creepy in its realism. Fili much preferred the tattoo on Kili's other thigh, the dream catcher, equally realistic but absolutely gorgeous.

“You want me to beg you to fuck me?” Kili asked, scooting back a little and leaning back on the bed. “Fili, you already know I want you to.”

“I know,” Fili said, crawling over Kili and kissing him again as he straddling his little brother. “But I wanna get you off first. You want to enjoy this, right?”

“I’m gonna enjoy anything you do to me,” Kili said. 

Fili grinned and jerked his head to the side. “Roll over,” he said.

Kili watched him for a moment but rolled over. Fili smiled and pulled Kili up on his knees with his ass in the air. When Kili tried to go up on his elbows, Fili gently pressed down against his neck, keeping him where he was. Kili huffed out a laugh and moved his head so he could watch Fili with a smile.

“You know,” Fili said, smoothing a hand over Kili’s hip. “I don’t think you have enough ink.”

Kili laughed. “No? You wanna tell me what else I should have?”  
“Not yet,” Fili said, wondering what he might want to see sketched under Kili’s skin. He leaned down, nuzzling the damp skin at the small of Kili’s back, hands moving from hip to ass and kneading it teasingly. 

Kili swore softly, knowing what was coming, as Fili pulled his ass cheeks apart and blew teasingly against his hole. He leaned in, licking a wide stripe along Kili’s ass, faintly tasting the soap Kili had used, before teasingly swirling his tongue along Kili’s hole. His brother swore at him, a tiny laugh escaping, as Fili smacked Kili’s ass with a free hand and licked him again. He teased him like that, alternating between rubbing his tongue along Kili’s hole and licking him before he pushed his tongue inside Kili. 

They’d done this before, on several occasions, and it never failed to turn Kili into a whining, squirming mess. Fili would thrust his tongue in and out of Kili, working in a finger and milking his prostate while Fili would lick and rub and thrust with his tongue until Kili came. He did that now, pushing in a finger with his tongue, working Kili open, listening to him gasp and moan brokenly into the bed, sliding a second finger in and stretching and rubbing against the gland. Fili loved how vocal Kili was, how sometimes he was outrageously loud, because it let Fili know he was doing something right. It helped that Kili had a wonderful voice, something Fili wanted to listen to forever.

It didn’t take Kili long to come, one hand having snuck down to work at his cock as Fili ruthlessly ate him out. Kili was panting into the bed as he rode out his orgasm, Fili pulling away but keeping his fingers inside his brother, still working him open. Kili reached back and swat at him as he made a tiny noise of dismay. Fili slid his fingers out and kissed Kili's back, tasting sweat and soap and Kili. 

"Let me," Kili said, rolling over with effort, smiling up at Fili.

"Let you what?" Fili asked as he knelt over Kili, pushing his shorts and boxers down enough that he could wrap his hand around his cock and jack off to the sight of his brother looking debauched. Kili licked his lips and slid a hand down to cup Fili’s balls, smiling as Fili swore at him. “You’re beyond evil.”

Kili played with his balls, tugging and rolling them as Fili worked his prick. “C’mon,” Kili said. “Don’t you wanna come on me?”

Fili groaned. “Evil son of a bitch,” he said.

“Yes I am,” Kili said cheerfully, wrapping his hand around Fili’s and helping him. “Now come on me.”

It was almost embarrassing how quickly Fili came after that, with Kili’s hands on him and that hungry look on his face. Kili brought his hand to his mouth, licking Fili’s come off it as Fili tried to catch his breath. Fili leaned down to kiss him and was promptly stopped with Kili’s clean hand. 

“Teeth brushing and then kissing,” Kili said.

Fili rolled off Kili, nuzzling his shoulder lazily as he relaxed for a moment. Kili poked him and Fili laughed. “Fine, fine,” he said. “I’m up.”

Kili followed him into the bathroom, leaning in the doorway as Fili brushed his teeth quickly and shucked the rest of his clothes. The moment he shut off the water, Kili was pulling him into a hungry kiss, pressing up against him. They kissed slowly, languidly, as Fili leaned back against the sink, his hands on Kili’s hips as his brother leaned into him. When they broke the kiss, Fili turned and grabbed a washcloth from the towel rod and ran it under warm water while Kili nuzzled his neck.

“You look so much better with longer hair,” Kili said, moving and leaning against the heater as Fili slowly cleaned Kili of his drying come. Kili tugged him in for a kiss as he did, keeping the washcloth moving as he made sure to get what he could off Kili’s lightly furred stomach and chest.

“I’ll make sure to keep it like this then,” Fili said, nipping Kili’s lip.

“You spoil me,” Kili chuckled. He took the washcloth from Fili and dropped it in the sink. They kissed lazily in the bathroom before Kili tugged Fili with him back into the bedroom. Smaug, perched on the couch, meowed pitifully when Kili walked past him without giving him a scratch or a kiss. Fili kicked the door closed once they got back into the bedroom, wanting to thwart the little bastard from coming in and interrupting them.

Fili was pushed down on the bed, grinning as Kili got on top of him, kissing him again. They made out, hands stroking chests, legs, and arms as they did, the kisses starting lazy and ending with both of them panting. Kili licked Fili’s lips, a nervous look in his brown eyes, which Fili could hardly fault him for.

“Trust me,” Fili said.

“Always,” Kili said without hesitation.

Fili drew him down for another kiss, soft and gentle, as he rolled them. Kili spread his legs, cradling Fili between them, arching up against him. Fili couldn’t help but laugh into the kiss as Kili’s mouth curled around his.

“Do you want something?” Fili asked, nipping Kili’s lip.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Kili said. “I want you to fuck me. If you’re, you know, up for the task.”

“I’m getting there,” Fili said. He rolled his hips against Kili’s, breathing a laugh against Kili’s neck as Kili moaned under him. He kissed Kili once more before pulling away and grabbing the lube off the nightstand. He turned back to Kili as he popped the top and squeezed some onto his fingers. “Nothing new, right?”

Kili nodded, letting Fili kneel between his legs and squirmed slightly as Fili slid a finger inside him. Kili licked his lips and held himself still as he fought not to arch down. Fili leaned in, kissing him as a distraction as he worked his finger inside Kili, stroking and moving it slowly before adding a second one. They’d never gone past two fingers since most of the toys Kili had were small enough to not need more than that. Fili worked Kili with them, opening him slowly and carefully, watching and feeling as Kili panted against his mouth and his eyes closed.

“Good?” Fili asked.

Kili moaned softly, giving in and arching down hard on Fili’s fingers. “Fuck, Fee,” he said. “Give it to me.”

Fili crooked his fingers, rubbing them along Kili’s insides, finding his prostate and laughing as Kili let out a loud groan. He kept up the sweet torture as Kili writhed and fucked himself against Fili’s fingers. Fili pulled his fingers free after a moment, smiling as Kili’s eyes flew open and glared at him.

“God, you’re gorgeous,” Fili said, leaning down and kissing him. “You’re going to be insatiable after this, aren’t you?”

Kili watched him, licking his lips, as Fili slicked his fingers again and slowly pushed three of them inside him. Kili made a soft oof noise, swallowing and keeping his eyes on Fili, his hands knotted in his sheets. He carefully moved his fingers, working Kili open and leaning down to distract him with more kisses. After a moment Kili relaxed into him, hips moving counterpoint to Fili’s fingers.

“You think you’re good or you want another finger?” Fili asked, nibbling along Kili’s jaw and moving his fingers apart enough to see how open Kili was.

Kili’s eyes were squeezed tight together. “F-fuck, Fee,” he said, voice high and needy sounding. “I don’t. I just.”

Fili nuzzled his neck, licking and kissing and nibbling at random. “I’m not gonna hurt you.”

“I know,” Kili said, opening his eyes. “I trust you.”

He kissed Kili, licking into his mouth and distracting him as he eased his fingers free. Kili made a tiny noise of disappointment and broke the kiss, grabbing the lube and squeezing more onto Fili’s fingers. Fili chuckled, rubbing the lube between his fingers and very slowly pushing three and then adding the fourth into Kili. Kili winced, his hands coming up to hold Fili’s biceps, breathing through the movement of Fili’s fingers.

“Okay?” Fili asked.

“Yeah,” Kili said, licking his lips. “Full.”

“Anything hurt?” Fili asked as he moved his fingers carefully.

Kili leaned in, biting Fili’s shoulder. “Idiot brother,” he said.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Fili said, moving his fingers with a little more surety. He could feel his cock throbbing as it filled, wanting so much to just pull his fingers out and fuck Kili, but he held himself back. Kili took in a shuddering breath, moaning softly, his hips very slowly starting to rock counterpoint with Fili’s fingers.

“Fee,” Kili managed, breathing heavily. “Please.”

Fili licked his lips and slowly pulled his fingers free of Kili, reaching down and snagging Kili’s discarded towel, wiping his fingers clean. Kili was panting on the bed, his drying hair splayed around him like a dirty halo. Fili leaned down, kissing him, dominating the kiss and refusing to let Kili try and wrest control from him. Kili, though, didn’t even try, hands coming up to grip Fili’s shoulders as he submitted, moaning into Fili’s mouth.

Kili was staring at him with wide eyes when they broke the kiss, both of them panting for breath. “Okay,” Kili said. “You, we, can you?”

“Yeah,” Fili said, grabbing the lube and having it taken from him by Kili. His brother sat up, squeezing a liberal amount out onto his hand and reaching down to work it along Fili’s cock, grip just tight enough. Fili kissed Kili before pushing him away, wordlessly getting Kili to turn around and get on his hands and knees again.

Kili moved, letting Fili move him the way he wanted him. “Next time?” he asked.

“Yeah, next time,” Fili said, dropping a kiss at the little dip above Kili’s ass. “I wanna see you lose it.”

Kili let out a breath and glanced at Fili over his shoulder. “Okay, so. Uhm?”

Fili laughed, his hands smoothing along Kili’s sides. “Relax,” he said, leaning down and kissing along his spine gently before straightening. He gripped his cock, stroking himself a couple of times before pressing against Kili’s hole. Kili made a tiny noise of discomfort as his body stretched around the head of Fili’s cock as Fili pushed in. He stopped once Kili had taken that, stroking Kili’s flanks, murmuring words of nonsense against Kili’s back and skin, kissing him as he did so.

“Okay, okay, I, yeah, okay,” Kili managed after a moment. Fili could feel the way Kili relaxed just the slightest and eased a little bit more into him. They kept up the pattern, a little at a time, kissing and stroking and words of encouragement until Fili was fully seated inside Kili. Fili was stroking Kili’s chest and stomach, carding his fingers through his chest hair, nuzzling the back of his neck in comfort. Kili was panting, muscles flexing around Fili as he adjusted.

“You’re good, it’s okay,” Fili murmured. “It’s all on you. Whatever you want, Kee, just tell me.”

Kili breathed, one of his hands coming up to lace their fingers together. “M-move,” he said, squeezing Fili’s hand. 

“You sure?” Fili asked, kissing the back of Kili’s neck, nuzzling into his hair.

Kili nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I--okay, move? I, yeah. Move.”

Fili very carefully pulled out, listening as Kili moaned at the movement, before sliding back in. He kept the pace slow, listening for anything that meant Kili wasn’t enjoying this, trying to keep himself from just going for it. Kili felt so good around him and it was heady, knowing that this was Kili he was finally doing this with. It made it so much better and he had to stop himself from going too fast.

“Fee,” Kili said, his voice sounding rough. “C’mon, just, I can take it.”

Fili nipped the back of Kili’s neck, stilling his hips with a larger amount of effort than he should have needed. “Trust me?” he asked.

“You’ve got your dick in my ass, of course I fucking trust you,” Kili said, looking over his shoulder.

“You’ve got such a mouth on you,” Fili said as he nudged Kili forward.

“Good thing you like my mouth,” Kili said.

“It has it’s uses,” Fili agreed. “Think you can handle more?”

“If you don’t give me more I’m going to smother you in your sleep,” Kili said. There was enough bite to his words that Fili had no doubt Kili would try it at some point. Fili smiled and slowly pulled out, biting his lip as his dick slipped out with a rude noise. “What’re you doing?” Kili demanded, looking at him.

Fili moved, tugging on Kili’s arms, showing him to go down onto his elbows. “Trust me.”

“I do,” Kili said. He rolled his eyes as Fili kissed his cheek. He frowned when Fili nudged the pillows aside and eyed him but Fili just smiled at him. Fili leaned down, kissing Kili gently before scooting back behind him. Kili huffed out a sigh, laughing and yelping as Fili kissed, then bit, the top of his ass. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he demanded.

“If sex isn’t fun you’re doing it wrong,” Fili said.

Kili snorted. “Guess I’ve been doing it wrong.”

Fili gripped Kili’s hips gently as he pushed back in, kissing the very top of his back tattoo with the phases of the moon. “I’ll show you what you’ve been missing,” he said. He started moving just a little faster than they had before, listening to the way Kili’s voice hitched as he swore at him again. Fili had to admit, listening to Kili curse at him as creatively as possible because he wasn’t doing what his little brother wanted was hysterical. Not that he’d ever tell him that.

He started moving faster, trying different angles to find the right one while Kili moaned in appreciation. When Kili arched back hard against him and moaned, his head bent down and resting on his arms, Fili knew he’d found the perfect angle. Kili was panting, one hand reaching out and grabbing one of the pillows, fingers flexing against the plushness. Fili licked his lips, rocking in harder and faster right against that spot while Kili grew exponentially louder.

“F-Fee,” Kili gasped.

“Touch yourself,” Fili said as he deliberately kept away from Kili’s prostate, drawing an outraged moan from Kili. “I want you to jack yourself off to this, to feeling me inside you.”

Kili shifted, letting Fili pull his legs and ass flush against him as Kili braced himself on the bed with his chest, relaxing his back and slipping one hand down to wrap around his cock. Fili reached out, a solid hand on the back of Kili’s neck, thumb brushing against his hairline as he started to move, his free hand braced down on the bed near Kili’s free hand. Kili’s hand crept over to his as they moved faster, fingers twining together, Fili’s hand still on the back of his neck.

Kili was letting out the most delicious noises, not even loud, just breathing little gasps for more that Fili couldn’t deny. Part of him wanted to keep this slow and leisurely, to pop Kili’s cherry in a way that made this perfect, but the rest of him knew he should never have gone into this with a plan as Kili started to rock back against him. Kili defied all plans. It was part of his charm.

Their fingers were tightly entwined, Kili’s eyes screwed closed, mouth open as he gasped and groaned, voice climbing in pitch as he jacked off. Fili moved faster, keeping it just short of pounding into Kili. The both of them were close, so close, Kili rocking back demandingly against him, and Fili thrust into him, making sure to hit his prostate full on.

“Gyu-Fili!” Kili whined, his fingers gripping Fili’s painfully. “Just, that, need, please. That again, I. I need--”

“Shh,” Fili murmured, applying the slightest bit of pressure to the back of Kili’s neck and he rolled his hips into Kili harder, but slower, making his brother keen desperately. It didn’t take too much more after that, with Fili being forceful and nailing that spot inside Kili, for his brother to come, shouting Fili’s name into the bed loudly. Fili kept moving, loving how tightly Kili clenched around him, not lasting too much longer than his brother as he came inside him.

“Fee,” Kili whined softly.

Fili rubbed his thumb over the hard knot of bone at the top of Kili’s spine, leaning down and nuzzling the spot, nearly bending his brother in half. He scraped his teeth of it, relishing in the way Kili shivered under him, and very carefully pulled free of him. They fell together, Fili on his back and Kili sprawled on top of him. Fili lifted Kili’s hand and licked him clean of his release while Kili watched him blearily. 

“Okay?” Fili asked.

Kili closed his eyes and hummed his satisfaction, nuzzling into Fili’s neck.

“Love you,” Fili said.

“Love too,” Kili mumbled through his exhaustion. “More later.”

“We’ll see how sore you are after we wake up,” Fili said, rubbing a hand over Kili’s back.

Kili kissed Fili’s skin. “S’good.”

“Yeah,” Fili said with a smile, wrapping his arms fully around Kili. “It’s good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we have now reached the end of our ride. I'll still be doing prompts and some one shots because while there's not enough for a sequel their story isn't actually done yet. :) Thanks for hanging around with me and these dorks.
> 
> Prompts and shit can all be found over on tumblr at jynxwrites.


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